Today has been surprisingly mellow. We went to church and no one complained about having to go or got grumpy because of what someone else said. We had people come over for dinner and there were no panic attacks about getting things ready. My mom even forgot to make the squash yet she still didn't freak out. I didn't even get scolded for ignoring the church service and making a ninja star out of my bulletin. I'm completely baffled.
Usually on any holiday ever (or really just any day in general) I get yelled at for at least something. Come to think of it I didn't even get yelled at to get out of bed this morning. My dad willingly helped with all the chores. No one got frazzled or angry about anything. At least not when I happened to be there to witness it. I'm seriously starting to think that my family's been replaced by plant like aliens. (Yes, an Invasion of the Body Snatchers reference was necessary.) To quote my sister, "I'm so confused!"
While eating dessert, we had a thoughtful conversation about drug use and no one got angry. If we attempted that at any other time, my family would be yelling at each other, someone would flip a chair over, and inevitably someone would end up grounded. We discussed the various types and uses without anyone even cringing. This is something that is not done in my family. (see Problem Solving)
I don't know if it's because it's Easter. Or if there was something in the candy they gave us at church. Or even if my family has been replaced by cooperative robots. All I know is that it usually doesn't make a difference what day it is. Someone yells at someone. It's even more likely to happen on days when we are going to have company (pretty much all holidays).
I probably shouldn't be wasting my time trying to figure out and should just be enjoying it, but my mind is so blown, I can't fathom what might have happened.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Problem Solving
In my family we don't solve problems. Which is odd considering we have a detailed process in which we handle them. Every time there is one, we do basically the same thing. On occasion, there are variations.
First we find something that looks like it could possibly be a problem or might turn into one. (Depending on how much my dad actually hears, this could be anything from saying the word hamburger to threatening to rip off someone's face.) Once we have identified a possible problem, it is transformed into a horse using one of the many horse related metaphors that my dad has stored in his brain (honestly I have begun to think it consists of no information past the 1940's). Once the problem has become a horse, we flog that horse until it is dead. Once it is dead, we continue to beat it until it is nicely ground up into what looks like hamburger meat. Once it can easily be formed into a horseburger, we package it up, put it in the deep freeze, and forget about it. Months later when one of our crazy relatives pull it out, they'll throw it onto the pile of horse were currently flogging. And once again everything gets thrown into the freezer and forgotten about.
An argument starts as a polite conversation. It will then, morph into a heated agreement. Then before you know it, someone will say something that my parents don't agree with. In an instant we've dove head first in to a pool of yelling (usually in confined spaces). The arguments start out sort of legitimate, move to ridiculous, head into What the..., and finally loop back around to ludicrous (which usually involves my mom actually using the word ludicrous in a sentence). There's a pause. Then we repeat.
An actual two hour argument that occurred on a road trip went like this:
How one of my friends was doing. (Polite Conversation)
Submission to one's husband (Heated Agreement)
Argument about marijuana (Sort of Legitimate)
Argument about hard drugs
Argument about prescription drugs
Red meat (Ridiculous)
Breast Milk (What the...)
Anarchy
Methane gas
Who's trying to change who's opinion
Alcohol
Whether school system is projecting these ideas (Ludicrous)
*Pause*
Difference in opinions (Polite Conversation)
Parental examples (Heated Agreement)
*We stopped for gas thus breaking the loop*
First we find something that looks like it could possibly be a problem or might turn into one. (Depending on how much my dad actually hears, this could be anything from saying the word hamburger to threatening to rip off someone's face.) Once we have identified a possible problem, it is transformed into a horse using one of the many horse related metaphors that my dad has stored in his brain (honestly I have begun to think it consists of no information past the 1940's). Once the problem has become a horse, we flog that horse until it is dead. Once it is dead, we continue to beat it until it is nicely ground up into what looks like hamburger meat. Once it can easily be formed into a horseburger, we package it up, put it in the deep freeze, and forget about it. Months later when one of our crazy relatives pull it out, they'll throw it onto the pile of horse were currently flogging. And once again everything gets thrown into the freezer and forgotten about.
An argument starts as a polite conversation. It will then, morph into a heated agreement. Then before you know it, someone will say something that my parents don't agree with. In an instant we've dove head first in to a pool of yelling (usually in confined spaces). The arguments start out sort of legitimate, move to ridiculous, head into What the..., and finally loop back around to ludicrous (which usually involves my mom actually using the word ludicrous in a sentence). There's a pause. Then we repeat.
An actual two hour argument that occurred on a road trip went like this:
How one of my friends was doing. (Polite Conversation)
Submission to one's husband (Heated Agreement)
Argument about marijuana (Sort of Legitimate)
Argument about hard drugs
Argument about prescription drugs
Red meat (Ridiculous)
Breast Milk (What the...)
Anarchy
Methane gas
Who's trying to change who's opinion
Alcohol
Whether school system is projecting these ideas (Ludicrous)
*Pause*
Difference in opinions (Polite Conversation)
Parental examples (Heated Agreement)
*We stopped for gas thus breaking the loop*
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
The Pirates Incident
My family has a complete inability to go see a movie together. Whenever we try to, we end up fighting.
There are many instances in which we attempted to attend a movie as a family, but turned around and went home before we even got close to the theater (most of these happened to be when we were going to see Harry Potter movies). Then after more yelling we turned back around and went to see the movie. (It's a complicated process.
The last attempte was we made was when we went to go see Pirates of the Carribean 4 (No one keeps track after what that one's called). It actually started out really nicely. We got down to the theater (on time) without any yelling or arguments. It wasn't until we were done with the movie and in the car heading home that things went crazy.
My dad started going on about how you could make a really good historically accurate movie about a pirate that actually existed and blah blah blah. While he was going on about this my younger sister said something to me. I don't remember what it was. It was nothing significant. We start having our own conversation, then my dad truns around and starts yelling at us for being rude.
I wasn't aware that we were part of the conversation (really a lecture, but try and tell him that). We thought that he was talking to our mom. So he's starts yelling at us for interrupting him. My sister yelled that she was sorry and stuck her elbow on the open window trying to ignor the yelling man in the front seat. My mom then decided to roll up the window in order to make the car quieter.
So there we were on the highway. My dad's yelling at us for being rude. My sister is yelling because her arms rolled up in the window. My mom's trying to figure out how to roll the window down while she's trying driving.
My mom rolled down the window freeing my sister's arm, pulled over and got out of the car to see if she was okay. My dad is now yelling at me. He yells, "This is why i don't like to go anywhere with you!" I yell back that exact same sentence and the car goes silent.
It is determined that my sister will survive, my dad turns back around and my mom gets back behind the wheel. We pull back onto the highway. The car is silent for a couple minutes then my mom says, "So what were you saying?" My dad being offended started whining about how no one's listening anyways. My mom replies, "I was listening."
It took my dad all of two seconds to continue babbling.
There are many instances in which we attempted to attend a movie as a family, but turned around and went home before we even got close to the theater (most of these happened to be when we were going to see Harry Potter movies). Then after more yelling we turned back around and went to see the movie. (It's a complicated process.
The last attempte was we made was when we went to go see Pirates of the Carribean 4 (No one keeps track after what that one's called). It actually started out really nicely. We got down to the theater (on time) without any yelling or arguments. It wasn't until we were done with the movie and in the car heading home that things went crazy.
My dad started going on about how you could make a really good historically accurate movie about a pirate that actually existed and blah blah blah. While he was going on about this my younger sister said something to me. I don't remember what it was. It was nothing significant. We start having our own conversation, then my dad truns around and starts yelling at us for being rude.
I wasn't aware that we were part of the conversation (really a lecture, but try and tell him that). We thought that he was talking to our mom. So he's starts yelling at us for interrupting him. My sister yelled that she was sorry and stuck her elbow on the open window trying to ignor the yelling man in the front seat. My mom then decided to roll up the window in order to make the car quieter.
So there we were on the highway. My dad's yelling at us for being rude. My sister is yelling because her arms rolled up in the window. My mom's trying to figure out how to roll the window down while she's trying driving.
My mom rolled down the window freeing my sister's arm, pulled over and got out of the car to see if she was okay. My dad is now yelling at me. He yells, "This is why i don't like to go anywhere with you!" I yell back that exact same sentence and the car goes silent.
It is determined that my sister will survive, my dad turns back around and my mom gets back behind the wheel. We pull back onto the highway. The car is silent for a couple minutes then my mom says, "So what were you saying?" My dad being offended started whining about how no one's listening anyways. My mom replies, "I was listening."
It took my dad all of two seconds to continue babbling.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
LEAVE ME ALONE!
Most people have only one mother. I don't get that luxury. Yes I have the typical mother and father set. I'm not talking about how I'm actually related to people. I'm talking about people that mother you. I've got about three mothers (on occasion more). There's my actual mother. Then there's my older sister. And finally there is my younger sister.
It is actually my mothers job to bother me about "being careful" and "doing chores." It's not my sisters' job. things usually go: Oldest sister bosses around younger sisters. Middle sister bosses around youngest sister. Youngest sister sits there and gets mad because they're being bossy.
Somehow in my family the middle child ended being the center of all nit-picking. The nit-picking is at the worst when we're going someplace where we're supposed to dress up. I usually ask my mother what she wants me to wear (rather than having to change). Once, I get dressed that's when it starts. My mom will notice a tiny hole in my pants, so I'll have to change those. Then my older sister will complain about how I'm "such a boy" and she'll try to convince me to dress more feminine. Then once she's done my younger sister will also say something about how I'm dressed. I'm always the first one ready for these things (usually even before my dad is), but instead of getting ready they worry about what I'm doing.
On a daily basis I get bothered about brushing my teeth, brushing my hair (both things I can and do do on my own), my clothes don't match, I look like a boy, do I have a jacket, is it warm enough, if I get stranded and have to walk will I freeze, etc. Somehow at the age of eighteen I get treated like I'm twelve (on a good day). It's insane how incompetent my family thinks I am. My parents and sibling are completely convinced that I won't be able to live on my own. I can't even cook a burger without having a ten minute conversation about how to do so and then repeating the information back to my mother several times.
A couple weeks ago, I decided I was going to make dinner. Afterwards, my mom was absolutely shocked and said, "Now why do you say that you can't cook?" "Mom, I don't say that. You do." The thing that makes me laugh is that while I cook pretty often without burning things (not including myself), I get told that I need to learn how to cook more. My younger sister who has done things such as light the electric stove on fire, doesn't get these comments.
My family, who is horrible about asking for help when they need it, is fantastic at giving me help when I don't need it.
It is actually my mothers job to bother me about "being careful" and "doing chores." It's not my sisters' job. things usually go: Oldest sister bosses around younger sisters. Middle sister bosses around youngest sister. Youngest sister sits there and gets mad because they're being bossy.
Somehow in my family the middle child ended being the center of all nit-picking. The nit-picking is at the worst when we're going someplace where we're supposed to dress up. I usually ask my mother what she wants me to wear (rather than having to change). Once, I get dressed that's when it starts. My mom will notice a tiny hole in my pants, so I'll have to change those. Then my older sister will complain about how I'm "such a boy" and she'll try to convince me to dress more feminine. Then once she's done my younger sister will also say something about how I'm dressed. I'm always the first one ready for these things (usually even before my dad is), but instead of getting ready they worry about what I'm doing.
On a daily basis I get bothered about brushing my teeth, brushing my hair (both things I can and do do on my own), my clothes don't match, I look like a boy, do I have a jacket, is it warm enough, if I get stranded and have to walk will I freeze, etc. Somehow at the age of eighteen I get treated like I'm twelve (on a good day). It's insane how incompetent my family thinks I am. My parents and sibling are completely convinced that I won't be able to live on my own. I can't even cook a burger without having a ten minute conversation about how to do so and then repeating the information back to my mother several times.
A couple weeks ago, I decided I was going to make dinner. Afterwards, my mom was absolutely shocked and said, "Now why do you say that you can't cook?" "Mom, I don't say that. You do." The thing that makes me laugh is that while I cook pretty often without burning things (not including myself), I get told that I need to learn how to cook more. My younger sister who has done things such as light the electric stove on fire, doesn't get these comments.
My family, who is horrible about asking for help when they need it, is fantastic at giving me help when I don't need it.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Highly Contagious
Everyone knows at least one person who can't keep their nose out of other people's business. They always seem to "know" what's going on without actually knowing if what they know is correct or not. These are people who honestly have nothing better to do with their time. It's like some highly contagious disease. One person hears or sees something they find offensive (warranted or not) then they pass along how "horrible" it was to someone else. The next thing you know everyone is looking at you like you have a horns popping out of your head. This isn't even just the stuff of bad high school movies. It happens all the time, especially in my family.
I have an incredibly nosy family, but they don't bother to fact check. Listening to some of the things they say is like reading the front page of the national enquirer and trust me I have plenty of examples.
I'll start with the most ridiculous of family "controversies." A few years ago when my cousin was a little baby her parents and siblings and everyone else I'm related to came to visit for the summer (like they do every summer). We took some pictures of my older sister holding our baby cousin. My mom sent them to her mom. Instead of my grandmother thinking something logical like, "That's a cute baby. I wonder who's it is." she automatically assumed that my older sister had given birth to this baby. I don't know how her mind managed to come to that conclusion. Maybe, she thought that we hadn't sent her pictures for awhile because we didn't want to show any signs of my older sisters pregnancy. That's honestly the most logical reason I can come up with.
Here's another example: A year or so ago (not exactly sure), my younger sister posted the f-word on her Facebook status. Here's how things went down. My cousin (who's in her forties), showed her mother (my aunt). My aunt then called the neighbor's that we have at our family ranch in Wyoming (there isn't a phone at the actual ranch). My dad then went over to the neighbors to use the phone and received the message that his sister had called. My dad then called my aunt the see what the hullabaloo was. After that conversation he called home where he spent an hour yelling at my younger sister about her language.
The last one that occurred when I posted my blog about helping castrate a calf (see Balls!). My aunt called my grandma (my dad's mom) and after the chat, me and my younger sister received this nice little lecture about being careful with what we post online. I spent a week trying to figure out which of my Facebook posts caused the family freak out. I figured it was a link I posted about gay rights, atheism or something that might even be considered controversial. My grandma couldn't remember what it was, so after much asking from me and my sister she asked my aunt again and found out what it was. As it turns out my aunt was offended by a post that read, "'You might learn somethin'' Sorry Dad but I highly doubt that I'll ever need to know how to castrate a cow." What they found offensive about that post was that I used the word "castrate." What was I supposed to call it? Testicle Removal Surgery? Reproduction Away? Manhood Removal? Bye Bye Balls? I seriously don't know. I figured the technical term was just fine, but apparently that's vulgar.
With the way word travels in my family, I have a pretty good idea of what they'll be freaking about next. A couple weekends ago my younger sister had her boyfriend over. Didn't really think much of it other than it's really annoying to have to ask them to move while they're snogging because they're blocking the stairs. That night at dinner, after he left, my grandma said, "They were getting smoochy." I just know that she will say those exact words to one of my aunts. It will then travel down the crazy phone tree turning into, "they were moments away from sex." When we get it back to us my grandma will have forgotten her "smoochy" comment, but everyone will have taken their own spin on the term.
I have an incredibly nosy family, but they don't bother to fact check. Listening to some of the things they say is like reading the front page of the national enquirer and trust me I have plenty of examples.
I'll start with the most ridiculous of family "controversies." A few years ago when my cousin was a little baby her parents and siblings and everyone else I'm related to came to visit for the summer (like they do every summer). We took some pictures of my older sister holding our baby cousin. My mom sent them to her mom. Instead of my grandmother thinking something logical like, "That's a cute baby. I wonder who's it is." she automatically assumed that my older sister had given birth to this baby. I don't know how her mind managed to come to that conclusion. Maybe, she thought that we hadn't sent her pictures for awhile because we didn't want to show any signs of my older sisters pregnancy. That's honestly the most logical reason I can come up with.
Here's another example: A year or so ago (not exactly sure), my younger sister posted the f-word on her Facebook status. Here's how things went down. My cousin (who's in her forties), showed her mother (my aunt). My aunt then called the neighbor's that we have at our family ranch in Wyoming (there isn't a phone at the actual ranch). My dad then went over to the neighbors to use the phone and received the message that his sister had called. My dad then called my aunt the see what the hullabaloo was. After that conversation he called home where he spent an hour yelling at my younger sister about her language.
The last one that occurred when I posted my blog about helping castrate a calf (see Balls!). My aunt called my grandma (my dad's mom) and after the chat, me and my younger sister received this nice little lecture about being careful with what we post online. I spent a week trying to figure out which of my Facebook posts caused the family freak out. I figured it was a link I posted about gay rights, atheism or something that might even be considered controversial. My grandma couldn't remember what it was, so after much asking from me and my sister she asked my aunt again and found out what it was. As it turns out my aunt was offended by a post that read, "'You might learn somethin'' Sorry Dad but I highly doubt that I'll ever need to know how to castrate a cow." What they found offensive about that post was that I used the word "castrate." What was I supposed to call it? Testicle Removal Surgery? Reproduction Away? Manhood Removal? Bye Bye Balls? I seriously don't know. I figured the technical term was just fine, but apparently that's vulgar.
With the way word travels in my family, I have a pretty good idea of what they'll be freaking about next. A couple weekends ago my younger sister had her boyfriend over. Didn't really think much of it other than it's really annoying to have to ask them to move while they're snogging because they're blocking the stairs. That night at dinner, after he left, my grandma said, "They were getting smoochy." I just know that she will say those exact words to one of my aunts. It will then travel down the crazy phone tree turning into, "they were moments away from sex." When we get it back to us my grandma will have forgotten her "smoochy" comment, but everyone will have taken their own spin on the term.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Fire
I have been lit on fire three times.
The first time was when I was a little kid. It was the fourth of July so like every other American I attended a fireworks display. Well my family just made the mistake of attending one in New Castle, Wyoming. While I was sitting and enjoying the loud, colorful explosions a flaming piece of shrapnel landed on my foot and it caught fire. I didn't even have chance to react before the old man sitting next to me started stomping on my foot and put out the fire.
The second time I got to close to a candle when the power was out and caught my hair on fire.
The third time I was taking something out of the oven. I accidentally tapped to top of the oven and my oven mitt burst into flames.
Now while I have been lit on fire three times I was not the one that caught the electric stove on fire. Yesterday my younger sister went into the kitchen and turned on the stove with plans to cook an egg. Even though my mom had used it several times before that point, it burst into flames when my sister used it. I don't know what it is about my family, but they have quite the ability to kill technology (see Technology In My House)
The first time was when I was a little kid. It was the fourth of July so like every other American I attended a fireworks display. Well my family just made the mistake of attending one in New Castle, Wyoming. While I was sitting and enjoying the loud, colorful explosions a flaming piece of shrapnel landed on my foot and it caught fire. I didn't even have chance to react before the old man sitting next to me started stomping on my foot and put out the fire.
The second time I got to close to a candle when the power was out and caught my hair on fire.
The third time I was taking something out of the oven. I accidentally tapped to top of the oven and my oven mitt burst into flames.
Now while I have been lit on fire three times I was not the one that caught the electric stove on fire. Yesterday my younger sister went into the kitchen and turned on the stove with plans to cook an egg. Even though my mom had used it several times before that point, it burst into flames when my sister used it. I don't know what it is about my family, but they have quite the ability to kill technology (see Technology In My House)
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Technology in My House
For some reason, I am the only person in my house that can get technology to work for them no matter what. Everyone else has an incredible amount of issues.
MY COMPUTER
My younger sister, Liz, whenever she touches my computer it absolutely refuses to work properly. In fact this morning it even froze when she just walked in the room. My mom also has this obnoxious ability. It's for this reason that my family always complains about how slow my computer is. The thing is it runs perfectly fine when I use it. My friend, Spyke, built it for me my sophomore year. I absolutely love this computer. There are only a couple issues that I have with it.
1. It has to warm up a bit when you first turn it on.
2. On occasion it will play random eighties music from no discernible source.
3. Once instead of eighties music it decided to play the sound from a 1960's documentary called "The Homosexuals"
Those are the only three issues I have with my computer. I don't really mind them, but the last two are relatively disturbing at times. I'm pretty sure Spyke had some sort of subliminal messaging in mind when he built it.
THE DVD PLAYER
For years the only DVD player we had was a piece of crap that one of our aunts gave us for Christmas. This thing worked fine until my sister broke the remote. From then on we cold only do stuff with the buttons on the player itself. Now that wasn't even much of a problem until it decided that it was going to start rejecting random DVDs for no apparent reason. Almost anytime you put a disk in the machine it said, "no disk." You'd have to stick it in several times in order to get it to play. For some reason I was one of the few people that could get it to work. Whether it's because I'm incredibly stubborn would try dozens of times before giving up or that the thing just liked me for some reason, I don't know. We recently got a new DVD player that runs awesomely or well it did until Liz used it. Upon the first time my sister used it, the thing lost it's ability to fast forward or rewind. It can no longer be done.
THE SATELLITE RECEIVER
We get Dish Network satellite and it's one of the few things that remains functional in our house. The only problem is that Liz broke off the power button. If we don't have to remote (which by the way we've replaced more time than we can count) we can't turn on or off the satellite receiver. Also, whenever any time there is movement nest to it the signal to go fuzzy.
THE TV
Last week we got a new TV and there has yet to be any issues with it. The one before this one was a tube TV. This one was just getting old so the picture was going due to no fault of my family, but there were other problems created by my family. Like the satellite receiver my sister broke the power button off so we had to use the remote. I'm waiting in fear of what my family will do to the new TV.
THE CAR
This next one was just brutal. Not even something that is just a random happenstance. This would be my dad's disregard for anything he doesn't know how to use. In the Subaru Outback we had before I rolled it (see The Perfect Ending), We had some really nice speakers. It had one really nice sound system that my dad methodically murdered. Whenever he drove down our dusty dirt road on a warm day he'd roll the window down filling the car, it's CD slot and speakers with dust. That was the first step. The second step was reenacting. For all of his civil war reenacting adventures he'd have to transport tent poles and what not. He couldn't tie them on top of the car because that was reserved for his period accurate flag pole. Instead he shoved them down between the seats and the door and impaled the speakers. It wasn't even just once he did it multiple times. Step three was jamming the sky lights. When we first got it you could open the window covering and just look up at the sky with out actually opening the window. He jammed it so that it only opened when he opened the window. Step four was the cup holders. Not an overly important part, but none the less annoying. In the back seat the cup holders folded down. They got misaligned slightly so they were jammed. Instead of realigning them or fixing them in anyway like a normal person would, he just ripped them out.
THE TECHNOLOGY MURDERERS
MY MOM
My mom isn't as much of an issue as the rest of my family, but on occasion she gets to thinking that she's knows more than she does and usually causes more problems.
MY DAD
Refuses to learn how to properly use something. He just destroys it instead or asks people at ungodly hours to do it for him.
MY YOUNGER SISTER
Knows what she is doing, but technology just absolutely refuses to work properly for her.
MY GRANDMA
Usually has a pretty good idea of what she's doing, but on occasion gets confused about what is what and will have something running that she doesn't need or want.
P.S.
THE VACUUM CLEANER
As soon as I first posted this I went downstairs to vacuum like my mom asked. I changed the bag then when I went to turn it on again nothing happened. The light still worked but the vacuum made not even the slightest attempt to suck anything up. And now that I think about it I have had several vacuum cleaners quit while I was using them. I guess that I'm just not meant to clean.
MY COMPUTER
My younger sister, Liz, whenever she touches my computer it absolutely refuses to work properly. In fact this morning it even froze when she just walked in the room. My mom also has this obnoxious ability. It's for this reason that my family always complains about how slow my computer is. The thing is it runs perfectly fine when I use it. My friend, Spyke, built it for me my sophomore year. I absolutely love this computer. There are only a couple issues that I have with it.
1. It has to warm up a bit when you first turn it on.
2. On occasion it will play random eighties music from no discernible source.
3. Once instead of eighties music it decided to play the sound from a 1960's documentary called "The Homosexuals"
Those are the only three issues I have with my computer. I don't really mind them, but the last two are relatively disturbing at times. I'm pretty sure Spyke had some sort of subliminal messaging in mind when he built it.
THE DVD PLAYER
For years the only DVD player we had was a piece of crap that one of our aunts gave us for Christmas. This thing worked fine until my sister broke the remote. From then on we cold only do stuff with the buttons on the player itself. Now that wasn't even much of a problem until it decided that it was going to start rejecting random DVDs for no apparent reason. Almost anytime you put a disk in the machine it said, "no disk." You'd have to stick it in several times in order to get it to play. For some reason I was one of the few people that could get it to work. Whether it's because I'm incredibly stubborn would try dozens of times before giving up or that the thing just liked me for some reason, I don't know. We recently got a new DVD player that runs awesomely or well it did until Liz used it. Upon the first time my sister used it, the thing lost it's ability to fast forward or rewind. It can no longer be done.
THE SATELLITE RECEIVER
We get Dish Network satellite and it's one of the few things that remains functional in our house. The only problem is that Liz broke off the power button. If we don't have to remote (which by the way we've replaced more time than we can count) we can't turn on or off the satellite receiver. Also, whenever any time there is movement nest to it the signal to go fuzzy.
THE TV
Last week we got a new TV and there has yet to be any issues with it. The one before this one was a tube TV. This one was just getting old so the picture was going due to no fault of my family, but there were other problems created by my family. Like the satellite receiver my sister broke the power button off so we had to use the remote. I'm waiting in fear of what my family will do to the new TV.
THE CAR
This next one was just brutal. Not even something that is just a random happenstance. This would be my dad's disregard for anything he doesn't know how to use. In the Subaru Outback we had before I rolled it (see The Perfect Ending), We had some really nice speakers. It had one really nice sound system that my dad methodically murdered. Whenever he drove down our dusty dirt road on a warm day he'd roll the window down filling the car, it's CD slot and speakers with dust. That was the first step. The second step was reenacting. For all of his civil war reenacting adventures he'd have to transport tent poles and what not. He couldn't tie them on top of the car because that was reserved for his period accurate flag pole. Instead he shoved them down between the seats and the door and impaled the speakers. It wasn't even just once he did it multiple times. Step three was jamming the sky lights. When we first got it you could open the window covering and just look up at the sky with out actually opening the window. He jammed it so that it only opened when he opened the window. Step four was the cup holders. Not an overly important part, but none the less annoying. In the back seat the cup holders folded down. They got misaligned slightly so they were jammed. Instead of realigning them or fixing them in anyway like a normal person would, he just ripped them out.
THE TECHNOLOGY MURDERERS
MY MOM
My mom isn't as much of an issue as the rest of my family, but on occasion she gets to thinking that she's knows more than she does and usually causes more problems.
MY DAD
Refuses to learn how to properly use something. He just destroys it instead or asks people at ungodly hours to do it for him.
MY YOUNGER SISTER
Knows what she is doing, but technology just absolutely refuses to work properly for her.
MY GRANDMA
Usually has a pretty good idea of what she's doing, but on occasion gets confused about what is what and will have something running that she doesn't need or want.
P.S.
THE VACUUM CLEANER
As soon as I first posted this I went downstairs to vacuum like my mom asked. I changed the bag then when I went to turn it on again nothing happened. The light still worked but the vacuum made not even the slightest attempt to suck anything up. And now that I think about it I have had several vacuum cleaners quit while I was using them. I guess that I'm just not meant to clean.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
The Holidays
In my family, the Holidays are the time of year when we trudge through snow in our backyard looking for the perfect Christmas tree, make candy cane cookies, have guests over for tea, and of course have mindless freak outs. Around the holidays I get yelled at a lot. Today alone, I have been yelled to watch out for the train every time I walked past the tree, yelled at to stop stuffing my face when all was doing was eating one peanut butter cookie, and a few other things that aren't really important.
Last night my sister had a major freak out about decorating the house. While she was trying to put a garland of wooden cranberries on the stairwell. She couldn't find the tape so she freaked out. I gave her ribbon and told her to just tie it. It slipped out of her hand so she freaked out. I had walked away because I was about to go feed the animals so she freaked out and smacked me on the shoulder.
In the next week while me and my sister finish up finals, I'm sure there will be plenty of other freak outs and yelling matches. Some will be about wrapping paper others about garland and ribbon and I'm almost positive there will be more yelling at me because I have the potential to break something.
My family honestly needs to learn the meaning of relax. You don't have to make the garland look perfect. Heck, you don't even have to put it up. The tree looks fine. I won't step on the train. I will not knock the nativity set off of the shelf. Lighting a candle will not burn down the house. And I promise that I will not send my yo-yo flying into the new TV.
Last night my sister had a major freak out about decorating the house. While she was trying to put a garland of wooden cranberries on the stairwell. She couldn't find the tape so she freaked out. I gave her ribbon and told her to just tie it. It slipped out of her hand so she freaked out. I had walked away because I was about to go feed the animals so she freaked out and smacked me on the shoulder.
In the next week while me and my sister finish up finals, I'm sure there will be plenty of other freak outs and yelling matches. Some will be about wrapping paper others about garland and ribbon and I'm almost positive there will be more yelling at me because I have the potential to break something.
My family honestly needs to learn the meaning of relax. You don't have to make the garland look perfect. Heck, you don't even have to put it up. The tree looks fine. I won't step on the train. I will not knock the nativity set off of the shelf. Lighting a candle will not burn down the house. And I promise that I will not send my yo-yo flying into the new TV.
Friday, August 5, 2011
The Art of Avoiding My Family
During the three months of summer my house becomes infested with aunts, uncles, and cousins. The first of them arrive around the last week of school and the last of them leave 2-4 weeks before school starts. This leaves me with barely enough time, space or sanity to get ready for the on coming school year. To keep my sanity and avoid fights I have this system.
Step 1: Play music only you like. If you play music that your relatives can't stand they naturally avoid the area. The key to this is to play it quiet enough that it can't be heard all over the house, but loud enough that you can only hear people talk to you from the room your stationed in. If you set the volume just right your relatives will not come in to talk to you. When they want something of you they'll try to get your attention by other means which are easily ignorable. If it's important enough they will enter your room anyways to get your attention. (Having to actually go into your room can make them quite angry at times so beware when using this technique.)
Step 2: Avoid entering rooms where there are people. This is by far the most difficult. Since the art of teleportation is imperfect and most of us aren't ninjas this becomes the most difficult part. Most houses have it where you have to go through certain rooms to get to others. The problem with entering rooms with other people in them is that since you are in sight they remember things they wanted to ask you or have you do. By entering these rooms you can get caught in unwanted conversations or lectures and you can end up a lackey, getting drinks for someone because they saw you enter the kitchen, taking out the trash, etc.
Step 3: Don't enter or stay in any room where an argument is brewing. If you are already in a room when you sense an argument starting get out ASAP. You don't want to be stuck in a room with a fight in progress. Eventually someone will ask your opinion on something, thus dragging you in against your will. You can sense a fight brewing if voices start to get raised, they start clenching their fists, etc. The other part to this is to not enter a room where an argument is in progress. You can make an argument worse by entering at the wrong moment. In some cases you will get dragged in and there's a good chance you won't be coming out unscathed.
MAC (my dad's sister) has an uncanny ability to enter an argument at the worse possible moment. Instead of just leaving arguments alone or even trying to defuse them, she will step part way into the room make a passive aggressive comment that has very little to do with the argument and step out increasing the anger of the people fighting. THIS IS A BAD IDEA DON'T EVER DO IT!
WARNING: These techniques have only been proven to work on my family so use caution when attempting on yours.
Step 1: Play music only you like. If you play music that your relatives can't stand they naturally avoid the area. The key to this is to play it quiet enough that it can't be heard all over the house, but loud enough that you can only hear people talk to you from the room your stationed in. If you set the volume just right your relatives will not come in to talk to you. When they want something of you they'll try to get your attention by other means which are easily ignorable. If it's important enough they will enter your room anyways to get your attention. (Having to actually go into your room can make them quite angry at times so beware when using this technique.)
Step 2: Avoid entering rooms where there are people. This is by far the most difficult. Since the art of teleportation is imperfect and most of us aren't ninjas this becomes the most difficult part. Most houses have it where you have to go through certain rooms to get to others. The problem with entering rooms with other people in them is that since you are in sight they remember things they wanted to ask you or have you do. By entering these rooms you can get caught in unwanted conversations or lectures and you can end up a lackey, getting drinks for someone because they saw you enter the kitchen, taking out the trash, etc.
Step 3: Don't enter or stay in any room where an argument is brewing. If you are already in a room when you sense an argument starting get out ASAP. You don't want to be stuck in a room with a fight in progress. Eventually someone will ask your opinion on something, thus dragging you in against your will. You can sense a fight brewing if voices start to get raised, they start clenching their fists, etc. The other part to this is to not enter a room where an argument is in progress. You can make an argument worse by entering at the wrong moment. In some cases you will get dragged in and there's a good chance you won't be coming out unscathed.
MAC (my dad's sister) has an uncanny ability to enter an argument at the worse possible moment. Instead of just leaving arguments alone or even trying to defuse them, she will step part way into the room make a passive aggressive comment that has very little to do with the argument and step out increasing the anger of the people fighting. THIS IS A BAD IDEA DON'T EVER DO IT!
WARNING: These techniques have only been proven to work on my family so use caution when attempting on yours.
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