My family as an amazing ability to complicate things, but when you think of it so do a lot of people. Very few people keep things simple. They over think every aspect of everything and it never actually helps.
One question that I find absolutely hilarious when parents try to give an answer to is, "What's gay mean?" This specific question gets incredibly over complicated. You could go with the typical denial approach and tell them that it means happy, but it's not always effective. I say the best answer is a simple, "Some boys fall in love with other boys and some girls fall in love with other girls. They are called gay." People however complicate it beyond all belief. They automatically assume that sex will get thrown into it. When it really won't. If you use the same explaination of love as you would for a heterosexual couple you won't have much of an issue.
Another way people complicate things is by over planning. If they go into too much detail of how things should work they are innevitably disipointed and pissed off. If you have a basic plan, "We'll meet here at this time and do this," you usually don't have an issue. It's when they start saying stuff like, '"We'll meet here at this time, then we'll do this, and we'll be done by this time, and be home by this time, etc." Once they start they can't stop and it ends up looking like christmas lights when you pull them out of the box each year. People in general expect things to go according to plan, so the more you have planned in a short amount of time, the less likely it is that you are going to actually follow the plan.
One of the most deadly forms of complicating things is when it comes to comedy. When you tell a joke, it's never actually funny when someone has to explain it. You have to let a persons mind make their own conclusions. i.e. Last year for my drama class we had to write skits. I wrote one mocking 300 (which isn 't all that hard to do). It was really simple when I turned it in. People found it funny. When it came time to perform it the actor that played the Spartan kept talking after the punchline. The joke was lost in his attempt to make it funnier.
It's actually amazing how often people complicate things. The solutions to problem are almost always right in front of our face, yet amazingly we can never figure them out. People seem to think that when something is simple it can't be right. That would be because we complicate everything.
The Skit Previously Mentioned
MESSENGER: I have a message for the king of Sparta!
"SPARTAN": (yelling angrily) THIS IS (suddenly speaking politely) not Sparta. You're in the wrong place.
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
Oblivious
I'm oblivious on many things. On most occasions I'm the last to know things. Heck sometimes I'm even the last to know things that actively have to do with me. Often times when my mom plans something for the family I only learn about the night before. I'm not sure if this is because I just pay no attention or if no one actually tells me anything. Honestly I would say that it's both.
I'm not even just oblivious about what happens around me. I'm also horribly oblivious about what I do. When I get excited you might as well throw observance into a boiling pit of lava. There have been many occasions where I've gotten excited about something. Then fallen on my face because I tripped over something. Once I did an epic leap over the dog and landed perfectly. I was really proud that I stuck the landing. Then I took one step, tripped over my grandma's oxygen hose and THUMP! I was down.
I don't even just get injured when oblivious attacks. I do some dumb things as well. I went to the library, gotten really excited because they had a manga series that I was really excited to read, and with out reading I grabbed the whole series off the shelf. When I was checking them out I noticed that I had grabbed two copies of each book. I felt really bad that the librarian had to re-shelve half the books (but then he was rude about it so I felt a little less bad). I felt like a dumb ass.
Now I once again I feel like a dumb ass. Earlier today, I went shopping and got really excited when I saw that they had The Muppets soundtrack. I grabbed a copy off the shelf again not really looking. When I got home and was about to open it I discovered that I had bought a copy of it that was in Spanish. Or as it says on the cover, "LOS MUPPETS: INCLUYE: LA MUSICA ORIGINAL DE LA PELUCULA EN ESPANOL"
I'm a dumb ass.
I'm not even just oblivious about what happens around me. I'm also horribly oblivious about what I do. When I get excited you might as well throw observance into a boiling pit of lava. There have been many occasions where I've gotten excited about something. Then fallen on my face because I tripped over something. Once I did an epic leap over the dog and landed perfectly. I was really proud that I stuck the landing. Then I took one step, tripped over my grandma's oxygen hose and THUMP! I was down.
I don't even just get injured when oblivious attacks. I do some dumb things as well. I went to the library, gotten really excited because they had a manga series that I was really excited to read, and with out reading I grabbed the whole series off the shelf. When I was checking them out I noticed that I had grabbed two copies of each book. I felt really bad that the librarian had to re-shelve half the books (but then he was rude about it so I felt a little less bad). I felt like a dumb ass.
Now I once again I feel like a dumb ass. Earlier today, I went shopping and got really excited when I saw that they had The Muppets soundtrack. I grabbed a copy off the shelf again not really looking. When I got home and was about to open it I discovered that I had bought a copy of it that was in Spanish. Or as it says on the cover, "LOS MUPPETS: INCLUYE: LA MUSICA ORIGINAL DE LA PELUCULA EN ESPANOL"
I'm a dumb ass.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Fire
I have been lit on fire three times.
The first time was when I was a little kid. It was the fourth of July so like every other American I attended a fireworks display. Well my family just made the mistake of attending one in New Castle, Wyoming. While I was sitting and enjoying the loud, colorful explosions a flaming piece of shrapnel landed on my foot and it caught fire. I didn't even have chance to react before the old man sitting next to me started stomping on my foot and put out the fire.
The second time I got to close to a candle when the power was out and caught my hair on fire.
The third time I was taking something out of the oven. I accidentally tapped to top of the oven and my oven mitt burst into flames.
Now while I have been lit on fire three times I was not the one that caught the electric stove on fire. Yesterday my younger sister went into the kitchen and turned on the stove with plans to cook an egg. Even though my mom had used it several times before that point, it burst into flames when my sister used it. I don't know what it is about my family, but they have quite the ability to kill technology (see Technology In My House)
The first time was when I was a little kid. It was the fourth of July so like every other American I attended a fireworks display. Well my family just made the mistake of attending one in New Castle, Wyoming. While I was sitting and enjoying the loud, colorful explosions a flaming piece of shrapnel landed on my foot and it caught fire. I didn't even have chance to react before the old man sitting next to me started stomping on my foot and put out the fire.
The second time I got to close to a candle when the power was out and caught my hair on fire.
The third time I was taking something out of the oven. I accidentally tapped to top of the oven and my oven mitt burst into flames.
Now while I have been lit on fire three times I was not the one that caught the electric stove on fire. Yesterday my younger sister went into the kitchen and turned on the stove with plans to cook an egg. Even though my mom had used it several times before that point, it burst into flames when my sister used it. I don't know what it is about my family, but they have quite the ability to kill technology (see Technology In My House)
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Technology in My House
For some reason, I am the only person in my house that can get technology to work for them no matter what. Everyone else has an incredible amount of issues.
MY COMPUTER
My younger sister, Liz, whenever she touches my computer it absolutely refuses to work properly. In fact this morning it even froze when she just walked in the room. My mom also has this obnoxious ability. It's for this reason that my family always complains about how slow my computer is. The thing is it runs perfectly fine when I use it. My friend, Spyke, built it for me my sophomore year. I absolutely love this computer. There are only a couple issues that I have with it.
1. It has to warm up a bit when you first turn it on.
2. On occasion it will play random eighties music from no discernible source.
3. Once instead of eighties music it decided to play the sound from a 1960's documentary called "The Homosexuals"
Those are the only three issues I have with my computer. I don't really mind them, but the last two are relatively disturbing at times. I'm pretty sure Spyke had some sort of subliminal messaging in mind when he built it.
THE DVD PLAYER
For years the only DVD player we had was a piece of crap that one of our aunts gave us for Christmas. This thing worked fine until my sister broke the remote. From then on we cold only do stuff with the buttons on the player itself. Now that wasn't even much of a problem until it decided that it was going to start rejecting random DVDs for no apparent reason. Almost anytime you put a disk in the machine it said, "no disk." You'd have to stick it in several times in order to get it to play. For some reason I was one of the few people that could get it to work. Whether it's because I'm incredibly stubborn would try dozens of times before giving up or that the thing just liked me for some reason, I don't know. We recently got a new DVD player that runs awesomely or well it did until Liz used it. Upon the first time my sister used it, the thing lost it's ability to fast forward or rewind. It can no longer be done.
THE SATELLITE RECEIVER
We get Dish Network satellite and it's one of the few things that remains functional in our house. The only problem is that Liz broke off the power button. If we don't have to remote (which by the way we've replaced more time than we can count) we can't turn on or off the satellite receiver. Also, whenever any time there is movement nest to it the signal to go fuzzy.
THE TV
Last week we got a new TV and there has yet to be any issues with it. The one before this one was a tube TV. This one was just getting old so the picture was going due to no fault of my family, but there were other problems created by my family. Like the satellite receiver my sister broke the power button off so we had to use the remote. I'm waiting in fear of what my family will do to the new TV.
THE CAR
This next one was just brutal. Not even something that is just a random happenstance. This would be my dad's disregard for anything he doesn't know how to use. In the Subaru Outback we had before I rolled it (see The Perfect Ending), We had some really nice speakers. It had one really nice sound system that my dad methodically murdered. Whenever he drove down our dusty dirt road on a warm day he'd roll the window down filling the car, it's CD slot and speakers with dust. That was the first step. The second step was reenacting. For all of his civil war reenacting adventures he'd have to transport tent poles and what not. He couldn't tie them on top of the car because that was reserved for his period accurate flag pole. Instead he shoved them down between the seats and the door and impaled the speakers. It wasn't even just once he did it multiple times. Step three was jamming the sky lights. When we first got it you could open the window covering and just look up at the sky with out actually opening the window. He jammed it so that it only opened when he opened the window. Step four was the cup holders. Not an overly important part, but none the less annoying. In the back seat the cup holders folded down. They got misaligned slightly so they were jammed. Instead of realigning them or fixing them in anyway like a normal person would, he just ripped them out.
THE TECHNOLOGY MURDERERS
MY MOM
My mom isn't as much of an issue as the rest of my family, but on occasion she gets to thinking that she's knows more than she does and usually causes more problems.
MY DAD
Refuses to learn how to properly use something. He just destroys it instead or asks people at ungodly hours to do it for him.
MY YOUNGER SISTER
Knows what she is doing, but technology just absolutely refuses to work properly for her.
MY GRANDMA
Usually has a pretty good idea of what she's doing, but on occasion gets confused about what is what and will have something running that she doesn't need or want.
P.S.
THE VACUUM CLEANER
As soon as I first posted this I went downstairs to vacuum like my mom asked. I changed the bag then when I went to turn it on again nothing happened. The light still worked but the vacuum made not even the slightest attempt to suck anything up. And now that I think about it I have had several vacuum cleaners quit while I was using them. I guess that I'm just not meant to clean.
MY COMPUTER
My younger sister, Liz, whenever she touches my computer it absolutely refuses to work properly. In fact this morning it even froze when she just walked in the room. My mom also has this obnoxious ability. It's for this reason that my family always complains about how slow my computer is. The thing is it runs perfectly fine when I use it. My friend, Spyke, built it for me my sophomore year. I absolutely love this computer. There are only a couple issues that I have with it.
1. It has to warm up a bit when you first turn it on.
2. On occasion it will play random eighties music from no discernible source.
3. Once instead of eighties music it decided to play the sound from a 1960's documentary called "The Homosexuals"
Those are the only three issues I have with my computer. I don't really mind them, but the last two are relatively disturbing at times. I'm pretty sure Spyke had some sort of subliminal messaging in mind when he built it.
THE DVD PLAYER
For years the only DVD player we had was a piece of crap that one of our aunts gave us for Christmas. This thing worked fine until my sister broke the remote. From then on we cold only do stuff with the buttons on the player itself. Now that wasn't even much of a problem until it decided that it was going to start rejecting random DVDs for no apparent reason. Almost anytime you put a disk in the machine it said, "no disk." You'd have to stick it in several times in order to get it to play. For some reason I was one of the few people that could get it to work. Whether it's because I'm incredibly stubborn would try dozens of times before giving up or that the thing just liked me for some reason, I don't know. We recently got a new DVD player that runs awesomely or well it did until Liz used it. Upon the first time my sister used it, the thing lost it's ability to fast forward or rewind. It can no longer be done.
THE SATELLITE RECEIVER
We get Dish Network satellite and it's one of the few things that remains functional in our house. The only problem is that Liz broke off the power button. If we don't have to remote (which by the way we've replaced more time than we can count) we can't turn on or off the satellite receiver. Also, whenever any time there is movement nest to it the signal to go fuzzy.
THE TV
Last week we got a new TV and there has yet to be any issues with it. The one before this one was a tube TV. This one was just getting old so the picture was going due to no fault of my family, but there were other problems created by my family. Like the satellite receiver my sister broke the power button off so we had to use the remote. I'm waiting in fear of what my family will do to the new TV.
THE CAR
This next one was just brutal. Not even something that is just a random happenstance. This would be my dad's disregard for anything he doesn't know how to use. In the Subaru Outback we had before I rolled it (see The Perfect Ending), We had some really nice speakers. It had one really nice sound system that my dad methodically murdered. Whenever he drove down our dusty dirt road on a warm day he'd roll the window down filling the car, it's CD slot and speakers with dust. That was the first step. The second step was reenacting. For all of his civil war reenacting adventures he'd have to transport tent poles and what not. He couldn't tie them on top of the car because that was reserved for his period accurate flag pole. Instead he shoved them down between the seats and the door and impaled the speakers. It wasn't even just once he did it multiple times. Step three was jamming the sky lights. When we first got it you could open the window covering and just look up at the sky with out actually opening the window. He jammed it so that it only opened when he opened the window. Step four was the cup holders. Not an overly important part, but none the less annoying. In the back seat the cup holders folded down. They got misaligned slightly so they were jammed. Instead of realigning them or fixing them in anyway like a normal person would, he just ripped them out.
THE TECHNOLOGY MURDERERS
MY MOM
My mom isn't as much of an issue as the rest of my family, but on occasion she gets to thinking that she's knows more than she does and usually causes more problems.
MY DAD
Refuses to learn how to properly use something. He just destroys it instead or asks people at ungodly hours to do it for him.
MY YOUNGER SISTER
Knows what she is doing, but technology just absolutely refuses to work properly for her.
MY GRANDMA
Usually has a pretty good idea of what she's doing, but on occasion gets confused about what is what and will have something running that she doesn't need or want.
P.S.
THE VACUUM CLEANER
As soon as I first posted this I went downstairs to vacuum like my mom asked. I changed the bag then when I went to turn it on again nothing happened. The light still worked but the vacuum made not even the slightest attempt to suck anything up. And now that I think about it I have had several vacuum cleaners quit while I was using them. I guess that I'm just not meant to clean.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Why Zeus Hates Me
A couple summers ago, I went camping with my girl scout troop down below where we keep our horses. We camped for three days and it rained for all three days. The first night we got to chase cows back into their pin because they escaped. It's always fun to be drenched while chasing cows in the dark. the next day when walking up to the house for breakfast it started to rain again and me being my nerdy self decided to yell, "KNOCK IT OFF, ZEUS!" As soon as I said that it started pelting hail. Ever since that weather has not been my friend.
i.e. Today during last period there was a massive thunder clap, but when we got outside it was nice and sunny, but then as soon as play practice was about to end it started hailing.
i.e. Last Fourth of July when Me and my friend Fallom had to go outside to feed the cows and horses. It was bucketing rain before we went out, but as soon as we went out there it started to hail. After ducking under a tree for a couple minutes it stopped and we proceded. Then it started hailing again. This process happened several times before we were able to finish.
i.e. Today during last period there was a massive thunder clap, but when we got outside it was nice and sunny, but then as soon as play practice was about to end it started hailing.
i.e. Last Fourth of July when Me and my friend Fallom had to go outside to feed the cows and horses. It was bucketing rain before we went out, but as soon as we went out there it started to hail. After ducking under a tree for a couple minutes it stopped and we proceded. Then it started hailing again. This process happened several times before we were able to finish.
Official Adult
As of yesterday at 2:14pm, I am an official adult.
The original plan was to go out to eat, but thanks to Zeus' undeniable hatred for me, there were flash floods and power outages. Needless to say we didn't go out to eat. Instead we bought Papa Murphy's pizza, went home and baked it. Then I convinced my whole family to watch the dorkiest kid musical I could possibly think of, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
While I can now buy porn, cigarettes and scratch tickets, my money will most likely be spent on completing my Pokemon card collection (I only collect first and second gen. because lets face it all the others suck), or filling my bookshelf with more manga, or heck maybe even buying a few Dr. Seuss books I don't have. Trust me turning eighteen is totally wasted except in my ability to vote, drive as many people as there are seat belts in my car and my ability to stay out past midnight without breaking the law.
The original plan was to go out to eat, but thanks to Zeus' undeniable hatred for me, there were flash floods and power outages. Needless to say we didn't go out to eat. Instead we bought Papa Murphy's pizza, went home and baked it. Then I convinced my whole family to watch the dorkiest kid musical I could possibly think of, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
While I can now buy porn, cigarettes and scratch tickets, my money will most likely be spent on completing my Pokemon card collection (I only collect first and second gen. because lets face it all the others suck), or filling my bookshelf with more manga, or heck maybe even buying a few Dr. Seuss books I don't have. Trust me turning eighteen is totally wasted except in my ability to vote, drive as many people as there are seat belts in my car and my ability to stay out past midnight without breaking the law.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Dad-isms
Everyone has phrases they say all the time. Here are a few of my Dad's most famous statements:
1. "You might learn somethin'."
Usually headed with a "sit down" or "come here", my dad uses this whenever he is watching, doing, or talking about anything he finds interesting and you happen ask him what he's doing.
2. "That's as useful as tits on a boar hog!"
Used whenever my dad thinks anything is useless.
3. "I can read the horses ears."
Said whenever my dad thinks someone is agitated about something.
4. "Hellope?"
How my dad answers the telephone.
5. "I need your help with something. It will only take a few minutes."
Can mean: "I need your help moving this incredible heavy antique." "I need you to help me do this obnoxious/tedious job that will take at least twenty minutes probably more." "I need your help and it will take just a moment, but I will have you stand/sit there while I lecture you about history or something else you don't care about."
6. "What did you say?!"
He has blasted to bits his ear drums through reenacting and other loud activities (most involving guns). Never actually has hearing problems when you say something your not supposed to.
7. "It's Scarlett O'Hara time!"
This is a song my dad made up and sings whenever anyone pouts. He just repeats that line to a tune until whoever's pouting stomps off or laughs.
8. "I got to go pee, because I drank to much tea."
Another one of my dad's songs. This one is reserved for long car rides when you say you need to use the restroom. Although on occasion he will sing it when you get up to use the restroom in the middle of dinner.
These are just few or his many catchphrases. I'm pretty sure he has a few more farm metaphors, but as of right now I can't think of them.
1. "You might learn somethin'."
Usually headed with a "sit down" or "come here", my dad uses this whenever he is watching, doing, or talking about anything he finds interesting and you happen ask him what he's doing.
2. "That's as useful as tits on a boar hog!"
Used whenever my dad thinks anything is useless.
3. "I can read the horses ears."
Said whenever my dad thinks someone is agitated about something.
4. "Hellope?"
How my dad answers the telephone.
5. "I need your help with something. It will only take a few minutes."
Can mean: "I need your help moving this incredible heavy antique." "I need you to help me do this obnoxious/tedious job that will take at least twenty minutes probably more." "I need your help and it will take just a moment, but I will have you stand/sit there while I lecture you about history or something else you don't care about."
6. "What did you say?!"
He has blasted to bits his ear drums through reenacting and other loud activities (most involving guns). Never actually has hearing problems when you say something your not supposed to.
7. "It's Scarlett O'Hara time!"
This is a song my dad made up and sings whenever anyone pouts. He just repeats that line to a tune until whoever's pouting stomps off or laughs.
8. "I got to go pee, because I drank to much tea."
Another one of my dad's songs. This one is reserved for long car rides when you say you need to use the restroom. Although on occasion he will sing it when you get up to use the restroom in the middle of dinner.
These are just few or his many catchphrases. I'm pretty sure he has a few more farm metaphors, but as of right now I can't think of them.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Useless Facts
Everyone knows at least one useless fact that will most likely never benefit them in anyways, but they still enjoy saying it whenever they get a chance. It is people who happen to know way to many of these these things that end up on game shows and win tons of cash. I know my fair share of pointless facts, but they tend to be all centralized. If I were to end up on a game show most of the questions would have to be about comic books or cartoons otherwise I'd go home having completely wasted my time.
Most all the random facts i know will never come up in normal conversations and some of them are just random facts made up by me and my friends. Some of which are:
1. Singing makes you teleport.
2. ABS! doesn't exist on certain dimensional planes.
3.Super Jack The Ripper and Castration Superman are the worlds two most ruthless supervillians.
4. There is always a cape that is appropriate for your purposes.
5. All French teachers have signed a secret decree to be oblivious to what goes on in their class.
6. How to properly grade a baby.
7. How to blow someone up from the inside using gun powder and matches.
8.Only people who actually use their locker will get one that everyone stands in front of to make out.
9. A cramp in your toe can keep you from doing many things, including going to Hell.
Most all the random facts i know will never come up in normal conversations and some of them are just random facts made up by me and my friends. Some of which are:
1. Singing makes you teleport.
2. ABS! doesn't exist on certain dimensional planes.
3.Super Jack The Ripper and Castration Superman are the worlds two most ruthless supervillians.
4. There is always a cape that is appropriate for your purposes.
5. All French teachers have signed a secret decree to be oblivious to what goes on in their class.
6. How to properly grade a baby.
7. How to blow someone up from the inside using gun powder and matches.
8.Only people who actually use their locker will get one that everyone stands in front of to make out.
9. A cramp in your toe can keep you from doing many things, including going to Hell.
Monday, August 29, 2011
How to Dodge Flying Objects
At one point or another everyone ends up having something thrown at them. Whether it be accidentally or intentionally. Here are some tips to avoid getting hit with the thing.
1.Never insult anyone who has a good throwing arm.
2. Never Insult someone who is standing next to an object that can easily be thrown.
3.Learn to duck.
4.Learn to jump.
5. Learn to sidestep.
6.Don't throw something first.
7. Just don't insult anybody or make anybody mad. I know this is hard, but believe me the blood saved will make it all worth it (in most cases).
1.Never insult anyone who has a good throwing arm.
2. Never Insult someone who is standing next to an object that can easily be thrown.
3.Learn to duck.
4.Learn to jump.
5. Learn to sidestep.
6.Don't throw something first.
7. Just don't insult anybody or make anybody mad. I know this is hard, but believe me the blood saved will make it all worth it (in most cases).
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Bear-a-lope
Everyone has heard of a jack-a-lope, the cute little rabbit with antlers. But very few people have heard of the bear-a-lope. It is an above average sized bear with antlers on top of its head. The last reported sighting was in my back yard by my cousins. Since the bear-a-lope population seems to be returning here are a few things you should know in case you ever encounter one.
1. Where dirty or smelly clothes when hiking. Bear-a-lopes are naturally repelled by the scent of human body odor.
2. If you encounter a bear-a-lope run away as fast as you can the whole time while screaming loudly.
3. As you run away it is helpful to throw food to distract the bear-a-lope from you, but don't throw inedible items because this will cause the bear-a-lope to chase you in an effort to return the object.
4. Climb a tree if there happens to be one nearby. Bear-a-lopes can't climb trees because their antlers get caught on the branches.
5. Never play dead. A bear-a-lope will eat you thinking that you are an easy snack.
6. If a bear-a-lope wraps it's paws around you it probably just wants a hug and will not let go of you until you give it one.
Bear-a-lopes are generally gentle creatures, but they can cause some serious harm. They are always looking for a snack or a hug so beware when one gets close.
1. Where dirty or smelly clothes when hiking. Bear-a-lopes are naturally repelled by the scent of human body odor.
2. If you encounter a bear-a-lope run away as fast as you can the whole time while screaming loudly.
3. As you run away it is helpful to throw food to distract the bear-a-lope from you, but don't throw inedible items because this will cause the bear-a-lope to chase you in an effort to return the object.
4. Climb a tree if there happens to be one nearby. Bear-a-lopes can't climb trees because their antlers get caught on the branches.
5. Never play dead. A bear-a-lope will eat you thinking that you are an easy snack.
6. If a bear-a-lope wraps it's paws around you it probably just wants a hug and will not let go of you until you give it one.
Bear-a-lopes are generally gentle creatures, but they can cause some serious harm. They are always looking for a snack or a hug so beware when one gets close.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Ways in Which I Get Injured
Being a klutz is one thing most kids grow out of once they grow into their feet. I either have outgrown my feet or some invisible creature is really enjoying themselves. Despite years of ballet, figure skating, Scottish dance, and gymnastics as a small child, I seamed to have avoided all grace attempts made by my parents. My two sisters however managed to bypass the wonderful world of Klutz. I am living proof that putting your daughter in ballet as soon as she can walk will not make her any less clumsy.
Ways in which I've been injured:
1. Broke my right collar bone by falling out of my booster seat to the left side.
2. Broke my left collar bone by crashing into the stove which was on my right side.
3. Pulled my shoulder out of it's socket by picking up a wool blanket
4. Sprained my ankle on the fourth of July and don't have a clue how it happened.
5. Did a perfect trip fall and cartoon slide on my face down the ramp in the school auditorium.
6. Got elbowed in the face playing laptag (see Slang) at my seventeenth birthday party and broke my nose.
7. Accidentally got punched in the face while sitting on my friends couch at his eighteenth birthday party. This re-broke my nose and straightened it after I broke it at my seventeenth birthday party.
8. Dislocated my collar bone playing volley carton (see Slang).
9. Walked into the same pole three days in a row all three times while my friend was telling me to watch out for it.
10. Fell down the stairs on Christmas morning while carrying my cat. (resulted in a bruised butt as well as several claw marks)
11. While climbing on the bathroom sink to get something I couldn't reach in the medicine cabinet, I fell off and scraped my stomach on the corner of the sink.
12. While climbing a tree, the branch broke and I slid down the tree ripping my pants, underwear and shirt on the jagged nub of a branch that was left.
13. Received a black eye from the table when my dad tried to push in the chair I was sitting on. I was sitting on the edge and it flipped forward causing me to smack my face on the corner of the table.
14. Was sitting outside having a picnic with my family and when it started to rain. A rain drop fell into my cup right as I took a drink causing lemonade to splash into my eye.
15. On the fourth of July a piece of a firework landed on my foot catching my shoe on fire. The guy next to me stomped on my foot and put the fire out.
16. My hair caught fire when I got to close to a candle while the power was out. (one of the reasons I don't have long hair anymore)
17. Hit the oven mitt off the top of the oven when taking out a lasagna, thus lighting it on fire.
18. Hit my bare hand off the top of the oven while taking foil off the top of a lasagna.
19. Almost dropped the lasagna, but gained control of it without having to catch it with my bare hand. I then sat it down on the counter and accidentally bumped my bare hand on the corner of the pan.
20. While playing with my cat her claw went up my nose and ripped through the outside of my nostril.
21. Burned my hand by accidentally grabbing the hot part of the hotdog roaster.
22. The legs of the stool I was sitting on suddenly gave way launching me backwards into the closet door which I then broke with my freakishly hard head.
23. Crashed into my friend, flipped over her shoulder and landed head first on cement. I received a lump on the head and the cement was cracked.
24. Broke my glasses by putting my hand on the side of my head during math class. (not technically an injury, but still quite ridiculous)
25. Got pegged in the face by a basket ball three times in one fifteen minute game of catch. (resulted in broken glasses)
26. Sprained my pinky on a friends jacket while playing tag.
27. Bruised my ribs when a friend flopped on my stomach.
28. Crashed into my grandpa's station wagon while sledding.
29.Crashed my bicycle while trying to teach my little sister how to ride. (resulted in her never trying to ride one again)
30. While playing kickball during gym class I got elbowed in the jaw and was sent skidding back a good three feet. Thanks to the sprained jaw I received, I can no longer chew gum. Also my jaw can only open half as far as before and it clicks when I do so.
31. Jammed my knee cap by smacking my knee off of the trunk in my algebra teacher's classroom.
32. Scraped the side of my neck on a branch while falling out of a tree (oddly enough received no other injury).
33. Older sister accidentally slammed a car door on my fingers.
34. Took a chunk of flesh out of the side of my foot by stepping on the edge of a broken bolt on my grandma's doll buggy.
35. Stepped on a rusty coat hanger which went into my foot a good inch.
36. I constantly hit my head off the cupboard above the stove. It's at the perfect location where I collide with it at least once a week.
37. I have a lightning bolt scar on my right pinky because during a water fight my sister accidentally shoved a broken glass into my finger when I stuck my hand up to keep from getting splashed in the face.
38. I did a belly flop on my deck by falling off the railing I was trying to sit on.
39. I had to run to catch the bus with a brake drum in my bag. It was banging against my knee which swelled up to twice its size. (I had the brake drum because I was supposed to use it as a musical instrument in a band competition the next day.)
40. Slid into a nearby wall while playing Duck Duck Goose. (Note: This didn't occur when I was little, but only a few weeks ago at my friends eighteenth birthday party.)
I have injured myself many more times but these just happen to be the most ridiculous of them. I of course do everyday clumsy thing such as break dishes, stub my toe, trip, etc. If I were to list all my injuries we'd be here for quite a long while seeing as I injure myself in minor ways almost everyday.
Ways in which I've been injured:
1. Broke my right collar bone by falling out of my booster seat to the left side.
2. Broke my left collar bone by crashing into the stove which was on my right side.
3. Pulled my shoulder out of it's socket by picking up a wool blanket
4. Sprained my ankle on the fourth of July and don't have a clue how it happened.
5. Did a perfect trip fall and cartoon slide on my face down the ramp in the school auditorium.
6. Got elbowed in the face playing laptag (see Slang) at my seventeenth birthday party and broke my nose.
7. Accidentally got punched in the face while sitting on my friends couch at his eighteenth birthday party. This re-broke my nose and straightened it after I broke it at my seventeenth birthday party.
8. Dislocated my collar bone playing volley carton (see Slang).
9. Walked into the same pole three days in a row all three times while my friend was telling me to watch out for it.
10. Fell down the stairs on Christmas morning while carrying my cat. (resulted in a bruised butt as well as several claw marks)
11. While climbing on the bathroom sink to get something I couldn't reach in the medicine cabinet, I fell off and scraped my stomach on the corner of the sink.
12. While climbing a tree, the branch broke and I slid down the tree ripping my pants, underwear and shirt on the jagged nub of a branch that was left.
13. Received a black eye from the table when my dad tried to push in the chair I was sitting on. I was sitting on the edge and it flipped forward causing me to smack my face on the corner of the table.
14. Was sitting outside having a picnic with my family and when it started to rain. A rain drop fell into my cup right as I took a drink causing lemonade to splash into my eye.
15. On the fourth of July a piece of a firework landed on my foot catching my shoe on fire. The guy next to me stomped on my foot and put the fire out.
16. My hair caught fire when I got to close to a candle while the power was out. (one of the reasons I don't have long hair anymore)
17. Hit the oven mitt off the top of the oven when taking out a lasagna, thus lighting it on fire.
18. Hit my bare hand off the top of the oven while taking foil off the top of a lasagna.
19. Almost dropped the lasagna, but gained control of it without having to catch it with my bare hand. I then sat it down on the counter and accidentally bumped my bare hand on the corner of the pan.
20. While playing with my cat her claw went up my nose and ripped through the outside of my nostril.
21. Burned my hand by accidentally grabbing the hot part of the hotdog roaster.
22. The legs of the stool I was sitting on suddenly gave way launching me backwards into the closet door which I then broke with my freakishly hard head.
23. Crashed into my friend, flipped over her shoulder and landed head first on cement. I received a lump on the head and the cement was cracked.
24. Broke my glasses by putting my hand on the side of my head during math class. (not technically an injury, but still quite ridiculous)
25. Got pegged in the face by a basket ball three times in one fifteen minute game of catch. (resulted in broken glasses)
26. Sprained my pinky on a friends jacket while playing tag.
27. Bruised my ribs when a friend flopped on my stomach.
28. Crashed into my grandpa's station wagon while sledding.
29.Crashed my bicycle while trying to teach my little sister how to ride. (resulted in her never trying to ride one again)
30. While playing kickball during gym class I got elbowed in the jaw and was sent skidding back a good three feet. Thanks to the sprained jaw I received, I can no longer chew gum. Also my jaw can only open half as far as before and it clicks when I do so.
31. Jammed my knee cap by smacking my knee off of the trunk in my algebra teacher's classroom.
32. Scraped the side of my neck on a branch while falling out of a tree (oddly enough received no other injury).
33. Older sister accidentally slammed a car door on my fingers.
34. Took a chunk of flesh out of the side of my foot by stepping on the edge of a broken bolt on my grandma's doll buggy.
35. Stepped on a rusty coat hanger which went into my foot a good inch.
36. I constantly hit my head off the cupboard above the stove. It's at the perfect location where I collide with it at least once a week.
37. I have a lightning bolt scar on my right pinky because during a water fight my sister accidentally shoved a broken glass into my finger when I stuck my hand up to keep from getting splashed in the face.
38. I did a belly flop on my deck by falling off the railing I was trying to sit on.
39. I had to run to catch the bus with a brake drum in my bag. It was banging against my knee which swelled up to twice its size. (I had the brake drum because I was supposed to use it as a musical instrument in a band competition the next day.)
40. Slid into a nearby wall while playing Duck Duck Goose. (Note: This didn't occur when I was little, but only a few weeks ago at my friends eighteenth birthday party.)
I have injured myself many more times but these just happen to be the most ridiculous of them. I of course do everyday clumsy thing such as break dishes, stub my toe, trip, etc. If I were to list all my injuries we'd be here for quite a long while seeing as I injure myself in minor ways almost everyday.
Friday, August 5, 2011
The Art of Avoiding My Family
During the three months of summer my house becomes infested with aunts, uncles, and cousins. The first of them arrive around the last week of school and the last of them leave 2-4 weeks before school starts. This leaves me with barely enough time, space or sanity to get ready for the on coming school year. To keep my sanity and avoid fights I have this system.
Step 1: Play music only you like. If you play music that your relatives can't stand they naturally avoid the area. The key to this is to play it quiet enough that it can't be heard all over the house, but loud enough that you can only hear people talk to you from the room your stationed in. If you set the volume just right your relatives will not come in to talk to you. When they want something of you they'll try to get your attention by other means which are easily ignorable. If it's important enough they will enter your room anyways to get your attention. (Having to actually go into your room can make them quite angry at times so beware when using this technique.)
Step 2: Avoid entering rooms where there are people. This is by far the most difficult. Since the art of teleportation is imperfect and most of us aren't ninjas this becomes the most difficult part. Most houses have it where you have to go through certain rooms to get to others. The problem with entering rooms with other people in them is that since you are in sight they remember things they wanted to ask you or have you do. By entering these rooms you can get caught in unwanted conversations or lectures and you can end up a lackey, getting drinks for someone because they saw you enter the kitchen, taking out the trash, etc.
Step 3: Don't enter or stay in any room where an argument is brewing. If you are already in a room when you sense an argument starting get out ASAP. You don't want to be stuck in a room with a fight in progress. Eventually someone will ask your opinion on something, thus dragging you in against your will. You can sense a fight brewing if voices start to get raised, they start clenching their fists, etc. The other part to this is to not enter a room where an argument is in progress. You can make an argument worse by entering at the wrong moment. In some cases you will get dragged in and there's a good chance you won't be coming out unscathed.
MAC (my dad's sister) has an uncanny ability to enter an argument at the worse possible moment. Instead of just leaving arguments alone or even trying to defuse them, she will step part way into the room make a passive aggressive comment that has very little to do with the argument and step out increasing the anger of the people fighting. THIS IS A BAD IDEA DON'T EVER DO IT!
WARNING: These techniques have only been proven to work on my family so use caution when attempting on yours.
Step 1: Play music only you like. If you play music that your relatives can't stand they naturally avoid the area. The key to this is to play it quiet enough that it can't be heard all over the house, but loud enough that you can only hear people talk to you from the room your stationed in. If you set the volume just right your relatives will not come in to talk to you. When they want something of you they'll try to get your attention by other means which are easily ignorable. If it's important enough they will enter your room anyways to get your attention. (Having to actually go into your room can make them quite angry at times so beware when using this technique.)
Step 2: Avoid entering rooms where there are people. This is by far the most difficult. Since the art of teleportation is imperfect and most of us aren't ninjas this becomes the most difficult part. Most houses have it where you have to go through certain rooms to get to others. The problem with entering rooms with other people in them is that since you are in sight they remember things they wanted to ask you or have you do. By entering these rooms you can get caught in unwanted conversations or lectures and you can end up a lackey, getting drinks for someone because they saw you enter the kitchen, taking out the trash, etc.
Step 3: Don't enter or stay in any room where an argument is brewing. If you are already in a room when you sense an argument starting get out ASAP. You don't want to be stuck in a room with a fight in progress. Eventually someone will ask your opinion on something, thus dragging you in against your will. You can sense a fight brewing if voices start to get raised, they start clenching their fists, etc. The other part to this is to not enter a room where an argument is in progress. You can make an argument worse by entering at the wrong moment. In some cases you will get dragged in and there's a good chance you won't be coming out unscathed.
MAC (my dad's sister) has an uncanny ability to enter an argument at the worse possible moment. Instead of just leaving arguments alone or even trying to defuse them, she will step part way into the room make a passive aggressive comment that has very little to do with the argument and step out increasing the anger of the people fighting. THIS IS A BAD IDEA DON'T EVER DO IT!
WARNING: These techniques have only been proven to work on my family so use caution when attempting on yours.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Slang
Every culture has their own slang. Me and my friends are not exceptions to this rule. Just like anyone else, we use slang on an everyday basis.
ABS!!!: One of the many hallway games we play. If you get absed you have to run in the opposite direction of the person the who absed you until you hit a solid object.
The Crazies: My dad's side of the family. (see MAC and MAM)
Hedgedog: combination hedgehog and dog (what Spyke is known as)
Laptag: One of the most intense games we play. A cross between wrestling, running for your life and tag. Has the highest injury rate of all the games we play. Only one of our games not played in school.
The Letter Game: One letter is chosen and you are not allowed to use the letter in conversation. If you slip up and use this letter you will be slugged violently in the arm by each of the other participants.
MAC: Simply means Mad Aunt C- (I won't say her actual name, but feel free to fill in the blank with any C name of your choice.) My dad's oldest sister.
MAM: simply means Mad Aunt M- (I won't say her actual name, but feel free to fill in the blank with the M name of your choice) One of my dad's older sisters. There is no worse insult in my family than being compared to her.
Soccer Carton: A spin off of volley carton. Often played in the school hallway between the Drama workshop and the auditorium. Same rules apply as soccer. Except not even goalies use their hands. Usually played after lunch during passing period.
Tote Kinder: A sport created by Spyke, Watson, Veg and I. (those are my three closest guy friends and yes they are actual people not animals, toys or food). Created during CSAP week at school, it is one of the most intense passing period sports ever created. You attack each others feet trying to either knock them over or remove their shoe using only your feet.
Vamgo: A vampire gopher
Volley Carton: Our favorite lunch time game. Using someone's (usually mine) empty milk carton we will bop it around the air trying to keep it from hitting the ground.
ABS!!!: One of the many hallway games we play. If you get absed you have to run in the opposite direction of the person the who absed you until you hit a solid object.
The Crazies: My dad's side of the family. (see MAC and MAM)
Hedgedog: combination hedgehog and dog (what Spyke is known as)
Laptag: One of the most intense games we play. A cross between wrestling, running for your life and tag. Has the highest injury rate of all the games we play. Only one of our games not played in school.
The Letter Game: One letter is chosen and you are not allowed to use the letter in conversation. If you slip up and use this letter you will be slugged violently in the arm by each of the other participants.
MAC: Simply means Mad Aunt C- (I won't say her actual name, but feel free to fill in the blank with any C name of your choice.) My dad's oldest sister.
MAM: simply means Mad Aunt M- (I won't say her actual name, but feel free to fill in the blank with the M name of your choice) One of my dad's older sisters. There is no worse insult in my family than being compared to her.
Soccer Carton: A spin off of volley carton. Often played in the school hallway between the Drama workshop and the auditorium. Same rules apply as soccer. Except not even goalies use their hands. Usually played after lunch during passing period.
Tote Kinder: A sport created by Spyke, Watson, Veg and I. (those are my three closest guy friends and yes they are actual people not animals, toys or food). Created during CSAP week at school, it is one of the most intense passing period sports ever created. You attack each others feet trying to either knock them over or remove their shoe using only your feet.
Vamgo: A vampire gopher
Volley Carton: Our favorite lunch time game. Using someone's (usually mine) empty milk carton we will bop it around the air trying to keep it from hitting the ground.
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