Brittany S. Pierce Is A Genius

Since I am one of those mythical creatures known as a giant geeky dorky nerd, I have recently fallen in love with the show Glee. It's an awesome show and most people who say otherwise haven't actually seen it. Anyways, one of the characters in the show is a blonde cheerleader who is so stupid her GPA might just be negative. (Something that is somehow actually possible. Seriously I've seen it.) I however think that Brittany S. Pierce is a genius.

1. She doesn't over think anything.

How many times have you been trying to figure out what to do and your mind won't stop talking? You think so much about everything you get nothing, but a headache and usually the wrong solution. I do it all the damn time and never get anywhere.

Brittany doesn't over think it. She just goes with what she feels is right and things work out brilliantly for her. Her life is so much less complicated than mine simply because she just goes with it. There's no second guessing, over thinking, or loathing (of self or others). She does know what's going on she just doesn't rip it into tiny little pieces like the rest of us do.

2. Her ridiculous answers do have a basis in logic.

When she answers a question, the answers are so unbelievably wrong the audience can't help but laugh and face palm. However her answers do make sense (at least to my slightly cracked mind).

In one episode Mr. Shuster asks, "Who can tell us what an anthem is?" She replies, "The bottom of an ants pants." I find that a genius answer. If you split "anthem" into two words you get, "ant hem" which would be the bottom of an ants pants. (I spent all of high school making puns. No way I could miss this one.)

Another example. A teacher asks, "What's the capital of Ohio?" Brittany replies, "O." And she is correct O is the capital of Ohio. She thinks differently than most people and that is awesome! I kind of wish my brain worked like that.

One more just because. Mr. Shuster says, "What's a duet?" Brittany says, "A blanket." Duet sounds pretty similar to "duvet." I can see someone making that mistake. People mix up words and their meanings all the time. I know I do. Something sounds similar and our brain waves cross and we get a wrong answer that made sense before it left our mouth.

You'll also note that Brittany answers really quickly without hesitation. She just says the first thing that pops into her head. With all the useless junk I have in my head, I would sound like such a dumbass if I did that. Chances are you would too.

3. She's slow, but not stupid.

Brittany usually takes a moment to catch up. She processes the information a bit slower than anyone else, but she does catch up and she does know what's going on.

Example:
Mr. Shuster: Take it away, Brittany.
Brittany: Take what away?

4. She gets people better than anybody I know.

Seriously she is a genius when it comes to people. She knows exactly what they are and loves them for it regardless. She's nonjudgemental no matter what.

Since she's not over thinking everything, like us people who think we're oh so smart, she always knows what people need to hear. She knows Kurt is awesome and should celebrate it as much as possible. She knows Santana shouldn't hide who she is because who she is is awesome and so on. She gets people and doesn't care.

5. She's braver than most people.

Throughout the series she is never afraid to say what's on her mind, do what she thinks is right, or do what makes her happy. She seriously is the poster child for guts.

She offers to go first when coming out with Santana. (Which is seriously one of the scariest damn things.) She tells people what she feels all the time and is always willing to show that she doesn't get it. There's none of that prestigious pretend laughter when you don't get something that all us smart people do to avoid looking dumb.

Say what you want, but Brittany gets it. She really does. She sees the world completely differently from everyone around her and that makes for some damn entertaining statements, but Brittany, my friends, is a genius. If the Glee characters weren't fictitious, Brittany would be the one of them that would be happy for the rest of her life no matter what.

Velociraptors

When I first was allowed to watch Jurassic Park all the way through, (not just the scene where the baby velociraptor is born) I was like six. So at the perfect age to start enjoying it when people got ripped apart on film, velociraptors became my favorite. Let's face it velociraptors are kind of the most bad ass of all the dinosaurs.

In Jurassic Park, the velociraptors are large, intelligent, hungry lizards. Now everytime I look at an updated image of a velociraptor, the damn thing gets more feathers. It started with a tuft or two on the top of their heads in Jurassic Park III and has progressed ever since. Last I checked, it was looking like a very angry cross between a turkey and a parrot. The velociraptor is like a drag queen slowly getting more comfortable with it's sexuality and love of the performing arts.

While the velociraptor still remains totally awesome for it's ripping apart ability, I have a feeling the next time I see a picture of one it's going to look like an Angry Bird. Just a round ball of poofy brightly colored feathers. A very violent, six foot long ball of poofy feathers, but a ball of poofy feathers none the less.

The Cell Phone Conundrum

There used to be a time when horror movies just had to take place in the middle of nowhere and the audience had nothing to say about their inability to call for help. Now that everyone has a cell phone, there is almost a requirement for someone to pull one out at some point and either break it, lose it, or make the obligatory, "crap no service!" If it's not said somewhere in the film that the cell phone is useless or even that they just forgot it that day, the audience is going to leave saying the people are stupid for not calling 911 or even sending a text of, "SOS evil killer after me. At abandoned mansion. Hurry." Rather than the more standard complaints of "they shouldn't have split up" or "maybe they shouldn't have gone into the abandoned cabin." And as a film maker you can't have that.

In older horror movies, it's a pretty simple case of establishing no hope. Now it has to be established that there's no way out, no phone, no cell phone, and no wi-fi. The only thing dying more than the people is the damn cell phones. Horror movies are now homages to crappy cell service. Otherwise the audience would be face palming way more than the obligatory horror movie amount.

The fact that everyone has a cell phone does limit the amount of miscommunication related situations available in films. The fact that I have a computer in my pocket more advanced than the first space shuttle, kind of puts a damper on conflict.

In high school, I didn't have a cell phone and neither did my parents. There were all sorts of ridiculous misunderstandings, getting mixed up, and getting forgotten going on. Had my parents just had one indestructible Nokia, doing things would have been far easier. (To be fair we did have one shared family cell phone.) It's a lot harder to be forgotten when you can call someone and ask, "hey where the heck are you?" This state of constant communication really makes it harder to find conflict. (Maybe that's why there are so many stupid arguments online.)

Seriously just think of a show and add cell phones. Changes things doesn't it? Can you just imagine how much easier it would be? Hell there's a damn good chance there'd be a lower death rate, less miscommunication, and who knows what else. Really puts a damper on screenwriter laziness, doesn't it?

ParaNorman

I fell in love with the movie, ParaNorman the moment I saw it. It was a fantastic film. Creative, funny, and overall just plain great.

Since someone will complain if I don't say so SPOILER ALERT!

There was an endless stream of complaints about the fact that at the end of the movie it's revealed that the Jock character as gay.

As expected there were complaints from your normal everyday homophobes. That's just to be expected. As noted by the theory that "sex" is secretly written all over Disney movies, if a character were to sneeze and it could possibly be speculated into them saying something inappropriate, someone would complain.

What you wouldn't expect however is the people who called the screenwriters homophobic for the way they wrote it. In one article I read, the author said that they should have showed the characters' progression with the realization and that "the filmmakers felt having an openly-gay character would undermine the enjoyment of the film." They then called the filmmakers the homophobes.

I take issue with that. Personally I thought it was done brilliantly and I do believe it was shown quite well throughout the course of the film. At the very least, I saw it coming. (To be fair i see everything coming.) Throughout the entire film I kept thinking, "that guy is totally gay." I didn't actually expect it to be blatently stated on screen. That was the surprising part for me and I wanted to stand up and cheer. (Which I could've since my friend and I were the only ones in the theater). Let's face it, not even the meat-headiest of straight men could be that oblivious to a woman hitting on them as obviously as she was. Believe me, I know, I've been friends with some of them.

As for it not being mentioned sooner, why would it be? At what point in that situation would an openly gay person just blurt that out. Sorry to tell you, but gay people don't spend every waking moment thinking about the fact that they're gay. Just like straight people don't think about the fact that they're straight and women don't just think about tthe fact they have boobs. When was the last time you heard a straight person just bring up their sexuality for no reason? It would have made no sense for someone who is comfortable being gay and already out to bring it up at random points in time especially a point in time when they are a bit more preoccupied with zombies.

The way they revealed it at the end was brilliant as well. It was very nonchalant. In real life, you either find out someone's gay by your impeccable gaydar, they tell you because you asked them out or it just  came up in conversation, or they casually mention their boyfriend/girlfriend just like you'd mentioned yours.

To be honest, the fact that it's straight up said in a movie with a rating under PG-13 is alone amazing. For once, the multitudes of fans don't have to write countless fan fictions and subpar arguments for it to be true. We should just be glad that a children's movie has an openly gay character in it, rather than complaining about it.

I won't blame you if you didn't see it coming, but I will blame you for expecting it to be a big deal within the context of the film. Why does every movie with a gay character have to focus on that fact?

Talking Speed

I am always being told that I talk really fast. To me it seems like I'm talking at a normal speed, but apparently everyone around me hears it like a sped up version of the rest of the world.

When I speak, I know everything I'm going to say three sentences ahead of my mouth. (Sometimes more depending on how excited or hungry I am.) As a result, I rarely say something that isn't carefully thought through in my mind before it comes out of my mouth.

Last week, I was explaining something about living in a small town to my psychology class and it all came flowing out at what I presumed was a normal speed. After class a couple of my friends informed me  I was talking incredibly fast. Apparently I talk like when you push the a button to jump past what a video game character is saying. It's just out and gone before you have a chance to know what was said. Or it's out and you have to slow down for a moment to catch up.

All throughout high school, I had issues choosing monologues because I would just say them really fast when I performed them. As fast as my speaking is when I'm making it up as I go along, when I've known what I'm going to say for weeks in advance it's even worse. For every play, acting exercise, and just about everything else, I always received the comment of "Sloooooow doooooown!" I finally managed to remedy that by choosing a monologue that was actually required to be recited at hyper speed and got a pretty good grade on it even though everyone commented on how they had no idea what just happened.

Most notable would be from my friend, Mike. "I didn't know what the f--k that was." I didn't know him until a couple weeks after the performance, so I got to hear his comments as an unbiased witness to my insanity.

For my acting class (a class that is slowly attempting to suck my creative soul) we are performing monologues. In college, I seemed to forget my predisposition to talk like an overwound motor and chose a really short monologue to avoid memorizing a bunch of stuff. This proved problematic. When I performed it, I spoke so fast I halved the time. I was done so quickly I had to cut myself because the class was expecting there to be way more.

When I'm having a conversation with people, I usually listen pretty intently (that is if they're actually saying interesting things), but my mind is still plotting my next move. By the time the other person has finished their statement, about three or four actions/sentences have gone through my head. I've analyzed them all and know which one I'd really like to say, but couldn't get away with, which one I'd like to say and may or may not get away with, which one will propel the conversation forward in it's current direction, and which one will make everyone laugh. Depending on my mood I usually pick the latter.

A lot of the time when I say something it comes shooting out of my mouth perfectly fine. Then there are times where it gets super jumbled into a giant ball of syllables and I just stand then stuttering over the letter "I" until I'm forced to slow down while the giant word paper jam sorts itself out. Which is usually when a person who just rips the words free and says the sentence for me.  That's usually my sister and I find it terribly frustrating. I kind of like finishing my own sentences.

When I actually do speak at what I'm told is a normal speed, I feel like I'm speaking way too slow. Like when someone is trying to make sure little kids really get it. I feel slow when I talk at a normal speed especially if I was just told to slow down. And sometimes even then I'm told to slow down more.

While I don't talk a lot, I do talk fast. Maybe that's part of why my mom doesn't think I talk. I just say it all at once and am done until I have something else to say.

Classic Disney Princesses

Since I'm doing a project on how media affects gender roles, I have invariably been watching lots of Disney movies and reading lots about them. There is no end to the bitching about the three classic Disney princess movies, Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty.

There is without a doubt a fair amount of sexism in the films, but to be honest there's not as much as you'd think. That is not counting Snow White because lets be honest all she does in that film is cook, clean, and wait for her prince (who has serious issues since he was willing to kiss an unconscious and presumed dead girl he doesn't know).

Cinderella, while having its sexist moments, is really not that much worse than modern movies. There are gobs of romantic comedies that manage to come out around this time of year that show bitchy people who are worried about appearance and their favorite passtime is fighting about clothes just like the step sisters do. Those two characters, who we're not supposed to like anyways, are total dumbasses and we very much want to stab them. That's sort of the intent. (Ella Enchanted does a similar thing as well.)

The step mother however is actually smart and we hate her because she's sadistic and enjoys tormenting Cinderella. She actually knows what's going on around her and does her best to gain her daughters some status. (It's almost sweet in an evil sort of way.)

Now there's the main character Cinderella. Sure she spends a good deal of the movie cooking and cleaning, but it's made quite clear its forcible and she hates it. When it comes time for the ball, she takes matters into her own hands. Granted it's because she might meet the prince, but think about it she's kind of just hoping to get away from dishes for a few hours. Unlike her step sisters, she's fantasizing about fun not necessarily just the prince. Instead of just sitting there passively she gets started doing whatever the hell it takes to go. She finds a dress, cleans the shit out of that house, and with the help of her mice friends, is all set to get the heck out of that house.

Then her crazy family, gets pissed that she actually managed to do what they asked and rips apart her outfit. She's rightfully a little upset I think. A night of freedom and fun was slammed right in her face. It's like if you were about to go to that thing you've been waiting for with such anticipation you couldn't sleep and your parents suddenly changed their mind as you were about to leave. And instead of just leaving it at a "no" that had to assault you as well. That's some pretty terrible shit.

Since it's a fairy tale, the fairy godmother shows up and produces the magic that makes the whole happy ending possible. Sure there's the fact that her rescue was by marriage. That is a bit annoying, but think about modern movies where that's still the case. I'm not saying it's a prime example of modern feminism or anything like that. I'm just saying it's not endlessly sexist either.

Okay there is that mouse that says, "Leave the sewing to the women." But hey, people still say things like that, so go make a sandwich and shut up.

Now on to Sleeping Beauty. This movie is actually not as sexist as you'd think. For starters it is almost an entirely female dominated cast (Cinderella also has one of these). The main characters are the three fairies. One could argue the blue one (is it Maryweather?) in particular if you want to get way into prominence. They are all quite smart, if a bit goofy and silly. They aren't shown with the inherent ability to cook and sew. In fact,they're damn right terrible at it.

Maleficent is highly intelligent. She's got her plans sorted out. She knows what she's doing and is enjoying it. Granted she has some terrible lackeys and that pesky human spirit proves to be quite an obsicle. Plus that whole bad guy thing is just destined to ending in a stabbing. (Usually in prison.)

Now for the main object of sexism. Princess Aurora herself. After we first meet her, it doesn't take long for us to here her fantasy about meeting a prince. Okay, be honest, how many of you people out there never day dreamt about something similar? Plus she's sixteen thinking about love (and other things along those lines) is essentially what your brain is programmed for at that age.

So then a prince just shows up and it's hormones everywhere. The princess actually has less irrational behavior in this case. She invites him to her birthday party, while he goes telling his pop that he's getting married.

That's when stuff gets serious. Aurora is all excited because she just met a cute boy (something that's not simple in the middle of nowhere), its her birthday, and she just received some cool presents. Oh yeah, then she's told her life is a lie. Boom! Just like that. You're a princess, you're getting married, you'll never return to this place, and we're magic fairies. That's a lot to take in. The crying and despair isn't exactly a terrible reaction. The fairies want to say that its because of the boy she just met, but think about it. Your life just took a drastic turn and as far as you know your future consists of birthing royal babies and acting proper. Sounds pretty bad to me.

So, Aurora's in a daze because her life is very strange all of a sudden and she doesn't actually know shit about the spinning wheel prophecy. Plus there's that whole glowing mind control thing Maleficent's got going on, so not ending up a damsel in distress is kind of difficult. Really you do better.

The main issue I have with these movies is the kissing unconscious people. Especially in Snow White's case (no pun intended). Princes have serious personal space issues. I can at least see Prince Philip's reasoning in Sleeping Beauty. He was at least told this would do the trick. Whereas the Snow White guy just decided to kiss some dead broad.

Running Gag

I realized something. I am the running gag in movies, TV shows, etc. I am the cabbage merchant, Seamus Finnigan, and the fat guy with the ice cream cone.

The reason I no longer attend Hogwarts.

1. When minding my own business, I am often the kid who gets hit with stray projectiles.

About a week ago while playing old racing games at an arcade, a giant squishy sticky ball from the prize booth came flying out of nowhere bounced off the screen and pegged me in the face before settling nicely on the game's dashboard.

Many times during high school lunch hours, I'd be doing my own thing and the apples, pencils, milk cartons (that is if I wasn't the one launching it), soda streams, and flailing limbs would manage to hit me. One time I got pegged in the throat by a kid's elbow and spent the rest of the day walking around with an ice pack and sounding like a boy going through puberty.

When the kids on the bus were throwing an unwrapped condum around, I got pegged with it (thank god it was clean). Same goes for the paper balls, wet maxi pads (just water), panty hose, and whatever the hell else middle-schoolers and freshmen found hilarious to throw.

Gym class alone could be classified as an excuse for my face to come into contact with solid objects. (Often thrown by the same damn person.)


2. I have been lit on fire multiple times.

At a 4th of July celebration in Newcastle, Wyoming when I was like six, a firework landed on my foot catching my shoe on fire. The old guy next to me kindly stamped it out. I wasn't burned at the extent of some old guy trampling my foot!

The other two times aren't as exciting. Got close to a candle burning my hair and caught the oven mitt on fire by tapping the ceiling of the oven. Also I have a serious issue of dropping hot pads into the oven and catching them on fire.


3. Pants do not believe that they belong on my body.

Why I don't play mini-golf.

They are often ripping in spectacularly obliteratory ways. Usually: when I'm in public or with small groups of people I don't know very well.


4. My birthday is often complete and total insanity.

With breaking my nose, rolling my car, or just the rainfall in my bathroom, I should probably just stop with having them.

In fact since the original outbreaks of these events on my birthday these things just keep happening. Except the rolling the car. That only happened once. (I tried to find a picture of a rolled Subaru Outback. Such a thing doesn't exist.) Making my nose, raining bathroom, and birthdays running jokes in and of themselves.


5. I am always the one that gets hurt, but rarely when I should be.

If I'm getting injured there's a 95% chance that I am doing something that should be exceedingly simple and not detrimental to my health. If I'm not getting hurt, there's a 65% chance I'm doing something that should be detrimental to health.

Just basic good old fashioned fun.

A death wish. (The dress part is a death wish for whoever tried to get me to put it on.)

Without a doubt I am the running joke. That person in the background who has unfortunate things happen to them. Unfortunately I'm not one of the less painful running jokes like the talking zebra that calls Candace Kevin, the floating baby head, or heck I might even take the guy with the cheese.

I wear the cheese. It does not wear me.