On Being Quiet

I am a quiet person. That is a fact. In general the thoughts that pop into my head don't come spilling out of my mouth. For years this has been a problem for my family.

My family are the types of people who talk a lot. Nothing against them for it. I just don't. Everytime I call home, it's a circus. The last time I did so the conversation went like this.

Grandma: hello?
Me: hi, Grandma, is Liz there?
Grandma: I don't know. (Walks into other room) is Elizabeth here?
Dad: (overheard from across the room) no, she's off with Jayson (her boyfriend).
Grandma: Here's your dad.
Dad: Hellope.
Me: Hi, Dad, it's Sarah. I'm guessing Liz isn't there?
Dad: Liz isn't here. Do you want to talk to your mom?
Me: Sure...
Dad: Wendy
Mom: What?
Dad: Miss never talk is on the phone.
Mom: Oh okay. (Takes phone) hello?
Me: hi, mom.
Mom: what's up?
Me: I just had a question for Liz, but I hear she's off with Jayson.
Mom: they went *some activity I don't remember*
Me: alright well can you have her call me?
Mom: yeah. Love you. Bye.
Me: bye.

I got conversation whiplash from that phone call. I just needed to ask my younger sister a question and instead talked to everyone excluding her. (And my aunt. Who honestly I'm surprised I didn't end up talking to.) It was insanity. In less than two minutes, I had said hello to the entire house, but had no answer to my question and the person who could answer it wasn't even there.

Everytime I talk to my father, he states one of the following in regards to my being quiet:
"Getting answers from you is like pulling eye teeth." (I really don't know.) 
"Trying to have a conversation with you is like pulling eye teeth." (Again huh?)
Basically just multiple forms of "pulling eye teeth" whatever that means paired with something about me being quiet. At least when I talk it's in English, not Backwoods Huh?. (My Dad's very fluent in his language.)

There have always been comments made about me being quiet. When I was little I didn't participate in a tallent show because I didn't want to play a leaf like my older sister insisted, so I didn't participate. At the talent show I sat with my mom and her friends in the audience. One lady I was introduced to said, "so this is the shy one." Apparently me being a stubborn little kid who was unwilling to play a leaf made me shy.

Years later, (like when I was in high school) my older sister had a birthday party. While we were all sitting at the dinner table, I made a joke at the expense of one of my sister's friends. Everyone appreciated it (except the friend of course). Then my sister told him that he just got dissed by her antisocial younger sister. It was some big surprising thing apparently. Despite the fact I make jokes at people's expense quite often.

Let's get something straight. I am not antisocial. I like my privacy and space. I enjoy alone time, but I in no way am antisocial. I enjoy conversations, hanging out, and even *gasp* meeting new people. I do enjoy company just not all the time. (My summers in an overcrowded house cured me of that.)

Since my family's convinced I'm antisocial and don't talk to people they're convinced that I'm lonely. Every conversation I have with my mother involves her saying, "I worry about you being lonely." I appreciate the concern, but relax. When my older sister moved out, she had a hard time adjusting to being alone. I did not. At least not in the same way. I wasn't lonely so much as paranoid. I kept expecting to be yelled at and had to remind myself that the yelling somewhere else actually in no way involved me. It was more culture shock than loneliness. I love living alone and have since the moment it began.

Another problem I have is that when I'm not feeling any particular emotion, I let my face relax. As a result, I, apparently, look really pissed off at any given moment. That partnered with the silence and I look like I'll beat you within an inch of your life if you say hello to me. I promise you that's not actually the case.

Now the final and most annoying thing. On occasion, I stutter.  It's usually not so much because I'm nervous or afraid. It's usually if I'm excited. When I'm excited my mind runs fast. I know everything that's coming out of my mouth before I say it in general. When I'm excited it's at hyper speed. As a result I get vocal back up.  A word gets stuck and I can't get my sentence out doomed to repeat a syllable until it breaks free or someone finishes my sentence for me. Since I stutter people seem to think I have low self esteem or some such nonsense.  I assure you I have no lower self esteem than anyone else. Sure I have insecurities, but so do all you nonstutterig people out there.

The strangers out there can continue to speculate as much as they'd like. They don't effect me. As to my family, believe me when I inform you I am fine. I can ask where the bathroom us without your help (a skill my younger "social" sister can't even master). I am not lonely. I am not pissed at you. I do not need you to give me a confidence boost. And I will only beat you up if you keep asking if I'm okay.