Not So Passive Princesses

Frozen was awesome! Anyone that says otherwise either hasn't seen it or is stupid. That however is not the point of this blog because the entire internet will tell you I am right. Instead I have something else to discuss. I was reading an article about the ways in which Frozen is the most progressive Disney movie and who can argue, but I will argue with the statement made that all the Disney princesses have been passive characters. So here's to those that we grew up with who weren't doormats even though some of them found a prince. In no particular order.

Pocahontas
She may have caused some problems with all that magical listening to her heart, but fact is she was not passive. She didn't just sit there throughout the film. When her father wanted her to marry that one guy (Kocuom or something right?) she didn't. When John Smith got arrested by her tribe she stood up for him and when he asked her to come with him she said no. Pocahontas didn't have her ass saved by John, she saved John's ass. (For time and sanity related purposes, I am ignoring sequels.)

Belle
She ignores Gaston not even for a second putting up with his crap. When he put his boots on her book, it probably took more self control than you can imagine to not murder him right there (totally different story then, huh?). When the horse comes running back terrified, she hops on without hesitation to find her father. Same with giving up her freedom and happiness to take his place. She refuses to do what the angry furry dude tells her even though he has huge with fangs. And she even attempts to run away at one point. She does have more guts than she gets credit for. Beauty and the Beast may have some other issues, but a passive lead is not one of them.

Mulan
Okay, this one may be a given, but Mulan kicks ass! She is so beautifully assertive, it is damn right wonderful! She argues with the scrawny dude on his high horse about her father going to war. She won't let the matchmaker drink a bug (which alone makes her a better person than me). And if course she runs off to war to save her father and doesn't even give up when whatshisface (yeah yeah lecture me all you want for forgetting his name) tells her she's unsuited for the rage of war. So hats off to Mulan. High fives all around!

Jasmine
She doesn't put up with cocky princes trying to woo her. She sicks a tiger on them! (She may have some anger issues.) On top of that she runs away to have freedom, but willingly gives it up when it means saving the boy that saved her ass. She confront Jafar about it even though suffers from untold levels of creapy. She refuses to buy Aladdin's prince act. And above all else she is very glad to help Aladdin fight Jafar. When she's sees him sneaking in she doesn't just wait to be rescued she kisses the creapy old man, so passivity not one of her qualities. On top of that (and yes I said I wouldn't bring this up), even in the sequels she helps with the ass kicking.

Ariel
She's not the best example because everything she does is for a man she hasn't met, but she isn't passive about it. While not the brightest traffic cone she does take matters into her own hands to be with her fella, so she does deserve points. She also gets a few for blowing off singing to fight a shark and for running to stop the wedding rather than just accept it. Granted, that was after Skuttle did his whole raving thing. She's by no means the highest ranked, but she does get some points even if the motivation is all wrong.

Cinderella
She has a lot of shit to deal with. A crazy sadistic step mother and siblings that have been trained to follow suit. On top of that she has to hear their bad singing and do all the chores. It's pretty impressive that Cinderella manages to be optimistic enough to be in a good mood ever let alone not punch someone in the face. When it's time for the ball she doesn't just sit there thinking "I'll never be allowed to go", she buckles down cleans the whole mansion and has her mouse friends build her a dress. Then when it gets ripped apart in like three seconds that's when she gives up. Everyone needs help once in awhile guys. She wasn't expecting the fairy godmother, but she would be damned if she wasn't taking the invite. On top of that she willingly booked it midconversasion out of the ball and when the slipper guy came about she was fighting (mostly by encouraging mice) to get out and get that thing on her foot. Come on guys it's an escape. You telling me you wouldn't take it in that situation?

Rapunzel
She wasn't rescued from the tower. I mean come on Flynn took a frying pan to the face and it was her idea to use him as a guide to go exploring. On top of that her hair does a lot of ass saving for the both of them. For a princess in a tower story, she really does not do much passive sitting about. Just listen to the opening song people. Nowadays it would be, "I watched Netflix. Then more and more. I'm cool with staying here." (Maybe with more rhythm and tune.) Rapunzel kicks ass!

Tiana
I have only seen this movie once, so bear with me about how this one won't be as detailed. She is willing to work her butt of to build a successful restaurant on her own. And when she gets turned into a frog it's not just sitting there accepting it. Lots of things are tried so that she can have posable thumbs again.

Megara
Who doesn't love Megara? While I can barely watch Hercules without cringing (what did you do to mythology?), I still love Megara. She is one of the first leading love interests to not be innocent. She's the femme fatal who doesn't ask for help. She takes matters into her own hands and even refuses rescue when she first meets Herc.

Esmeralda
Another femme fatal type. She isn't one whatsoever to sit still and wait for anything. As soon as she has sanctuary, she starts looking for an escape (well after a song of course). She won't give in to Frollo even when strapped to a stake to burn. And let's not forget she was the only one willing to give Frollo the finger (oh she totally would have if it wasn't a kids show) and cut Quasimodo free.

There you have it. The princesses of yore, while definitely not maybe as badass as the ones in Frozen were not totally passive and useless. Give credit where credit is due and thank God all of us have the sense to not marry a man we've never met that kisses us when he thinks we're dead.

On Wanting To Be A Boy

Recently a friend of mine showed me one of those photos that gets passed around the internet about a six year old boy that lives as girl. She was curious to my opinion on the subject and told me the only issue she had was that of the fact he had dyed purple hair.

Now I have the utmost respect for anyone brave enough to live life as the opposite gender. That takes a lot of guts and you go girl/guy! On that note I don't see anything wrong with letting your six year old be whatever gender that they so wish to be. (I don't even care about the dyed hair.) I do however have an issue with the treatment some transgendered preteens are receiving.

Going through puberty for being the opposite gender as what you feel you are can suck balls! As much as puberty sucks for everyone, that sort of doubles the effect. So there is no wonder that there is a hormone treatment that helps prevent them from going through puberty. I can't get behind that. Now please refrain from shooting me, but what if it is a phase?

Now, hear me out. I as a kid really wanted to be a boy (See Homophobia). While when I was really little I told the whole damn world about it, by the time I hit about first or second grade I stopped telling anyone because of all the ridicule it resulted in. I wanted to be a boy and for the longest time thought I was one trapped in the wrong body (Thanks, big sis, for all the medical documentaries you watched). Until about fourth grade when I actually started having chick friends and could hang out as "one of the girls" (even though I didn't quite fit in), I never thought it was possible that I was actually a girl.

While puberty hit a year layer, I still didn't feel comfortable being a girl. (Or to quote ever mom ever, "Congratulations! You're a woman now!") When I got boobs I was pretty annoyed because damn it bras are uncomfortable. So I wouldn't wear bras and instead wore a hideous orange vest so I could get away without a bra. (Seriously look at any photo from fifth grade and I am wearing that ugly as all hell thing.) On top of that, when I got my period I was pissed. It of course happened before a girl scout camping trip and I kind of totally hated the fact that I would have to deal with this shit for like fifty years. That was five times my life span people! It was a curse! (When my mom told me congrats I actually wanted to punch her.)

It also didn't help that my parents never actually talked to me much about such things and we watched some damn weird videos in fifth grade health class about the subject that involved uterus pancakes. (I am not even slightly kidding.) If uterus pancakse didn't convince you that you didn't want your period, I don't know what would. While at first I was pissed and upset about things, after awhile I did figure it out that bras can be bearable and really a period isn't that bad if your a lucky bitch like me who rarely gets cramps. (Sorry, siblings, you can suck it!) By the end of fifth grade, I didn't really hate the idea of being a girl anymore, but still didn't feel entirely like one either.

In middle school I knew I was a girl and became pretty okay with that fact. It's sort of when I started to figure out that being a girl didn't mean fitting into a predetermined bubble. I never understood why it had to but, I did think that was the way it was and couldn't be changed.

Come the summer before eighth grade I cut off all my hair and actually learned what it was like to be seen as a boy. In fifth grade when I was trying to feel like a girl I would get pissed off at people for calling me a boy, bit eighth grade I didn't care. This may have more to do with the fact that in eighth grade it was an honest mistake, while in fifth it was more kids being little shits than anything else. It was kind of interesting to see how people reacted when they thought it was just guys hanging around and I found it really funny to see people freak out when they were corrected. Sometimes I'd even just let people think it.

Come high school, I was growing more comfortable in my skin. I remember being super excited when one of my guy friends said, "that is the first time I have ever actually thought of you as a girl." Junior year, I finally pulled my head out of the denial sand and realized that I was gay. Then senior year I actually grew comfortable with that fact (kind of had to thanks to the radio that was my friend's mouth). With all that going on I still never actually got comfortable with the fact that I was a female until I started college and moved out of my parents house.

I moved into my own apartment and lost all hopes of plausible deniability. Among learning that I am far lazier and far stranger than I previously thought, I learned that I was without a doubt a woman. With the chance to be entirely myself in my own home on my own terms, I learned that I was a sexy bitch that happened to be a gay woman and it's awesome! It may have taken me twenty years to be comfortable in my own skin, but I am and I will tell you right now that for me being a boy was just a phase.

All that being said, I know for some people it is not and by no means do I intend to demean that. That six year old kid may very well be a woman trapped in a man's body, but it is possible that it is just a phase as well. That's why I don't agree with the hormone treatment. Puberty sucks for everyone, more so for transgendered kids, but at the end of it you come out stronger for having gone through it. Puberty helped me figure out my place in the world amongst all the wanting to punch things and I am glad I dealt with it. Let the kids grow up, even support their decisions along the way, and by the time they hit adulthood they will have a better understanding of themselves. They may not know entirely who they are (because nobody does), but they will know more than they would otherwise.

Books: An Addiction

As I have no doubt mention I love books. I should since for most of my life my mother was a librarian. I love books such an ungodly amount it actually becomes a bit of a problem. My name is Sarah and I am a book addict.

All of you people are thinking how can someone be addicted to books and how can that be a bad thing? Well, I'm going to tell you.

I have an undeniable love of libraries. I spent a lot of my childhood in them and no one can deny that they are cool places. That being said they let you check out an ungodly amount of books at one time. I live a mile and a half from the nearest library and I always walk there. Everytime I go I say to myself, "I'm only going to check out one book I don't need a backpack." Then an hour later I have books stacked up to my chin as I walk home trying not to drop them while getting strange looks from all the kids that are just getting home from school. Remember the scene in Cinderella where the mouse is trying to take all the corn, that is pretty much me. I just don't have the cat trying to eat me.

I actually suffer from this delusion that I will read all these books before they are due in three weeks. So, I pick one up and start reading them. Before I know it, I have started every single one of these books and finished none. So then I get an email that the three weeks are up and do the inevitable, renew them online. Three weeks after that point, I have finished probably one book and have cast a aside a couple others because they actually weren't that interesting, but I still have a couple more that I need to read so, I go ahead and renew them online again.

This happens not because I'm a slow reader, but more or less because I get distracted really easy. It doesn't work to read ten books in nine weeks when there are so many things to do. I have school stuff, then there are the movies that people have suggested along with the shows, and one was really good, so I have to binge watch all nine seasons on Netflix, then before I know it nine weeks are up and I have to return the books to the library because I've "Exceeded my renewal limit". It gets absolutely ridiculous quickly and somehow I always tell myself I'll just check it out again later when I have more time. But then, I come home again with more books. It's a never ending cycle.

One top of that, bookstores are libraries only with books you keep. Used bookstores especially. $5 or 99¢ books and I will come home with all sorts of things. They are usually ones that I've read, love a shit ton, and would like to reread. Plus I'll be able to lend it to my friends so that they don't have an excuse like, "I can't find a copy" as to why they haven't read it and totally don't understand my giraffe reference (for the people who have read Un Lun Dun). It's a win win. That is until I catch them dog-earing a book. Then they may not just loose a finger, but will also receive a free lecture and banishment from ever borrowing books again. (Only one of my friends has ever had the balls to do this in front of me. She may or may not be convinced I'm psychotic.)

I also always ask for books for Christmas and birthdays. This Christmas alone pushed my bookcases to a level of needing another. When I first moved out I bought a book case and filled it über quickly, so I bought another. I now have two book cases and well they're starting to over flow. In no time I'm going to end up having an entire wall stacked with books to the ceiling like Chuck in Pushing Daisies. On top of that, I'm also always going to have a huge stack of library books next to my bed that I am currently, "reading." I have no doubt that one day my books will reach a dangerous level of stacking and my cat will trying to sit atop them sending them all tumbling over and resulting in my death. (I may be being a bit dramatic.) I shoud probably just get an eReader.

Pride & Prejudice

As I have no doubt mentioned before I am a big fan of Pride and Prejudice (something my older sister never ceases to be amazed by). Granted I would never have become a fan of it if I wasn't cast as Lady Lucas in the play adaptation during high school. Drama is actually useful for something other than seeing everyone in tights and various stages of undress. (But seriously mostly the tights thing.)

One thing about Pride & Prejudice is that all the secondary characters (aka anyone that's not Lizzie or Darcy) are kind of underdeveloped. That is why I truly love adaptations of Pride & Prejudice almost more than I do the original because they absolutely love playing with the characters.

Now, before I get off on my gushing love tangents to my favorite adaptations there are a couple staples of Pride & Prejudice adaptations that I have noticed.

1. They like to pick one minor character and make them gay. In Lost In Austen it's ... Actually I'm not going to tell you because you should just go watch it and figure out for yourself. (Seriously, you'll never guess.) In The Lizzie Bennett Diaries it's Fitz, who in the book has practically no part at all.

2. There is straight up no love for Kitty Bennet. She is a character that is so forgettable, that I actually forgot about her existence. She is of course written in to both Bride & Prejudice and Lost in Austen, but no more really than the fact that she happens to be standing in the scene. (So basically like the novel.) The most love she has gotten is in The Lizzie Bennet Diaries spin off, The Lydia Bennet!, where she is actually a cat. That is right she is such an unloved character that she gets replaced by a cat named Kitty. Now that says a lot.

Now on to the love gushing!

The first one is Bride & Prejudice and it's separate from the other two on my list. While I love the heck out of this fun little musical, it's an adaptation that still basically follows the book as far as the shallow side characters rut goes. Also I only kind of like one song enough to listen to outside of the movie. (If you listen quietly you may hear the teenage version of my older sister lecturing me.)

Then there is Lost In Austen. This is a film you can only appreciate fully if you know Pride & Prejudice fairly well. (You can still enjoy it if you don't, but it can't possibly be as amazing.) It is about a modern day female Pride & Prejudice enthusiast that inadvertently switches places with Elizabeth Bennett and it is a gorgeous mess. It does a fantastic job of running amuck of Austen's world. While everyone of course knows how the story is supposed to go, it is delightful to see how characters react when "fuck it" inadvertently becomes the motto for the story's original structure. Since all sorts of crazy goes on throughout the film you get a new liking for the characters when you see them shoved entirely out of their comfort zone and not in just the Darcy has to talk to people way. Characters you hate become more likable (except Collins he's actually worse). Sides of stories you never thought about get mentioned. And all in all you will never look at Pride & Prejudice the same.

My other absolutely favorite adaptation is that of The Lizzie Bennet Diaries. It is a modern adaptation of the story as a web blog of the main character. What I love about this was that it was released in real time on YouTube, the side characters are developed so much further and in really fun ways, the spin off web videos of Lydia and other characters add to the story perfectly, and on top of all else it is priceless to read the comments by people that didn't actually realize it was a work of fiction. (Seriously people? Open a book once in awhile. Or read the description.) I love the fact that for a change Charlotte isn't just this mopey kind of useless character. Jane gets a backbone (also happens in Lost In Austen). And thank god Lydia actually gets some sort of depth.

That last one may actually be my favorite part. Throughout most every adaptation of Austen ever Lydia Bennet forever remains this cliché, naive, boy crazy teenager with no thoughts in her head. The Lizzie Bennet Diaries in partner with The Lydia Bennet! worked perfectly to give the character something past just the annoying little sister. The audience does see her as that through Lizzie's eyes at first, but by the end of everything you want to kick the shit out of Wickham more than even the book and Lydia isn't a total dumbass.

One of the reasons Pride & Prejudice has survived is because it's a workable story. It can remain perfectly intact no matter where you place it and what you have to change to make it fit the modern world. A benefit of the limited view of the background characters from the book, is that you get to see every different way possible that a character can be interpreted. It is fantastic that new villains can be created, old villains can be seen in a new light, and you can finally not want to just beat Lydia with a pole. (But probably no one will ever really care about Kitty.)

The Gay and Lesbian Section

So awhile back me and some friends got into a conversation about Netflix. From there we somehow got into a conversation about the Gay & Lesbian section.

It originally got brought up as a throw away joke from one of my friends. That's when my younger sister asked why they needed a section for it to which I replied, "Well if you want to watch a movie with a gay person in it..." Then conversation carried on with my straight friends not getting it. My sister made the point that that is not a reason to watch something. Just because it has a gay person in it does not make it a good film.

I do agree that it by no means makes a good film because a character is gay. I have seen more than my fair share of really bad movies with gay characters in them and could rant for a really long time when people start telling me that Loving Annabelle is a sweat love story. (No it's not! It's fucking creapy people!) What they don't get is that want to be represented in the shows you watch.

As of right now if you were to turn on your TV to a random movie or television show more likely than not it is about a straight person with straight friends (or enemies or whatever else) doing things. Straight people are everywhere. They practically pop out of the wood work in media. If I were to ask most straight people to name three television shows with a leading character that isn't straight it would be quite a challenge and on most of those lists would be Will & Grace. On top of that name three popular sitcoms that have main gay characters and Will & Grace is off limits. I even have a hard time with that one capping off at Modern Family and Happy Endings. (I sort of don't want to count Don't Trust The B In Apartment 23 because the gay guy is so stereotype cardboard cutout.)

With drama shows you have a little more gay characters because someone being gay counts as good drama. Look at Pretty Little Liars the first season for the gay character was entirely about her coming out. The only drama show I've seen where the gayness wasn't played up for drama is Lost Girl. Still though you have to dig a bit and if you want to watch a specific genre and be represented well good luck.

A lot of the time when the LGBT community is represented it's for throw away gags or the characters are cutouts. Don't Trust The B In Apartment 23 has Luther, but he is straight up the gayest he could possibly be. Pitch Perfect, which has some amazing comedic scenes but like no depth, has the token lesbian character and she's just there for Rebel Wilson to make lesbian jokes about. Even Will & Grace has more throw away gay jokes per episode than I can stand.

If a straight person wants to watch a show they can relate to almost entirely they just have to flip on the TV and find a good show. If a gay person wants to find one with a character that they relate with entirely they have to do a lot of digging.

Step 1. Finding a show that you heard has gay characters in it.

Step 2. Finding out if the characters represent your gender. (Sometimes it's fun to have the gay best friend be a lesbian, you know.)

Step 3. Watching to see if it's actually a good show.

Step 4. When the gay character shows up, get kind of terribly annoyed at the stereotypes.

Step 5. Repeat steps 1-4 as needed

Step 6.  Victory! Congrats you found a show with a gay character that isn't stereotyped.

Step 8. Cry a lot when that character or their significant other is killed off.

Step 9. Why the heck do gay people always end up being/turning evil? (I'm looking at you Buffy the Vampire Slayer.)

(Steps 8 and 9 are optional depending on the show and its genre.)

It is a lot harder to feel like you fit in when everywhere you look you see straight. You grow up watching Disney where it's straight as far as the eye can see. (Only later do you run into everyone speculating about the sexuality of every cartoon character in existence.) You move onto watching tween sitcoms where it's straight as the eye can see. Then finally you get a chance to see some gay characters, but by that point your too busy repressing it and hiding it to actually feel normal.

All you straight people out there that don't get it, imagine if it was the other way around. It would get really annoying if every straight male character was just portrayed as the dumb Jock and every straight chick was just obsessed with nothing, but makeup and the dumb Jock and on top of that they were just the token straight friend to add either comedy or drama to the show. It would get old quickly and pretty soon you'd find yourself Googling "straight characters in television shows" more often than you'll ever admit.

Robinson Contraband

As a kid, there is always something that is contraband. Whether it's candy, a certain cartoon, or makeup, you still find ways around it and honestly it just makes it that much more exciting. Here are some of the things that were contraband in the Robinson household.

Pocahontas
Okay, so when it comes to this film the term "banned" was never actually used. I was never told that I couldn't watch it yet my parents did a pretty good job of never actually buying a copy for us to own and having us only see it a handful of times when we watched it at a friend's house.
Reason for Banishment: historical inaccuracy
What We Got to Watch Instead: Anything else Disney

2. Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman
I have heard no end to the lectures about this particular show. It is a powder keg for a dad rant.
Reason For Banishment: Historical Inaccuracies
What We Were Allowed To Watch Instead: Little House On The Prairie, Rough Riders, Bonanza, Anything with John Wayne (Most of these were forcibly watched and I really never cared much for any of them.)
No matter how hard my mother tried, I was never the slightest bit interested in Little House on the Prairie, Ann of Green Gables, or The Secret Garden. Sorry Mom.

3. Spongebob Squarepants
Do to this particular ban, I have forever grown up without the slightest grasp of the multitude of Spongebob references that everyone makes.
Reason for Banishment: I actually don't know
What I Watched Instead: Every Old Cartoon Ever, Pinky & The Brain, Fairly Odd-Parents

4. Power Rangers
Reason for Banishment: Too Violent
What I Watched Instead: Xena Warrior Princess, Dragon Ball Z, YuYu Hakusho, Jurassic Park

5. Samurai Jack
Reason for Banishment: Too Violent
What I Watched Instead: Rurouni Kenshin

6. Ed, Edd, And Eddie
Reason For Banishment: The hell is wrong with this show? (Only in parent terms)
What I watched instead: Ed, Edd, and Eddie (They couldn't win them all)

7. A Nightmare Before Christmas
When I turned ten (and so did the film) my parents finally allowed us all to watch this movie. This was also around the same time my parents gave up on the skull ban (see bellow)
Reason For Banishment: It's too creapy
What We Watched Instead: The Munsters, The Addams Family, Goosebumps

I'm sure there were more. I just can't think of them at the moment.

I just find it hilarious that I have seen a total of one episode of Spongebob that I saw last year when baby sitting my sister's boyfriend's daughter, yet the only requirement for me to watch Jurassic Park was for me to be six. (It was this whole big build up because they thought I'd have nightmares. I didn't. For the longest time, all I saw was the part where the baby velociraptor is born and just sat on the stairs behind the wall where I couldn't be seen listening to all the screaming.)

I know absolutely nothing about Power Rangers, but from a young age could give you in-depth plot summaries of various really violent and often bloody anime. I couldn't for the life of me actually tell you what Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman is about apart from what the title implies, yet spent a God awful amount of my childhood watching Xena which is to historical accuracy what Disney's Hercules is to an accurate portrayal of Greek mythology.

On top of the shows and movies we weren't allowed to see there were other things that were banned as well.

Fingernail Polish
I wasn't actually there for the events when it got banned. I was upstairs asleep and heard about it later.

When we were all still in elementary school, my sisters decided to paint their nails in the living room. They spilt the nail polish and for the rest of our childhood, preteenhood, and teendom, bringing nail polish into the house was a one way ticket to a dad rampage where the tiny bottle would be chucked into the rocks where years later it would be discovered during a climbing expedition with friends. I'm pretty sure there's probably some still up there.

Skulls
Now skulls were banned because well they were skulls (that's as much as an explaination as I'll ever get from my parents). They made a really big deal about it for the longest time.

The best part though was that it was during my older sister's middle school punk rock phase. That paired with the ban on nail polish made it really difficult for my older sister to be the true rebel that she totally was as an eighth grader listening to Sum 41 and Blink 182. I can't imagine how much money she spent on contraband black nail polish because she'd get to use it like once before my dad found it and it would go flying off to join it's friends in the rocks.

Anyways, I remember the exact moment when my parents completely gave up on the skull ban. We had gone to meet up with my Aunt at a mall and I needed new shoes. It was at a desperate level actually, they were barely held together and in no universe other than a Charlie Chaplin movie would they still qualify as shoes and maybe not even then. So my mom sent my dad to take me to get new shoes. We went in, I found a pair I liked right away, I put them on my feet, and they fit. So my dad bought them and I wore them out of the store, so there was no returning them.

When we met back up with my mom she right away commented on how quickly it went then noticed the fact that my shoes were covered entirely in tiny little skulls and cross bones. There was a moment of "Jim!..." and then it was gone and we were free to wear skulls to our hearts content forevermore.

Inscents and Candles
Another hinderance to my older sister's punk phase was that of the candle and inscents ban. My parents were convinced that we would burn down the house. Since, I've been lit on fire four times (well only three while I still lived there and only two of which were my fault and only one that was a candle) I can see their hesitance a little bit in my case. What I find funny is how when the "you'll burn down the house" much like the "you'll shoot your eye out" in a Christmas Story failed to make a difference, they switched their story to everyone being allergic to it. Seriously it's quite amazing how a house of formally fine people can suddenly develop asthmatic allergic tendancies.

Videogames
You couldn't pay my parents a million dollars to buy us videogames. They were convinced that we'd end up vegetables and the obsessive way we'd play them at my aunt's house or friends' houses (we had to cram as much in as possible before going home) didn't help our case much either. So, we were left to buy videogames for ourselves if we wanted them.

None of us actually bought any starting off until my parents finally entered the technology age and got a computer. It came with some old games that were pretty kickass like Journeyman, Spiderman Cartoon Maker (my personal favorite), and one that was a mutant rat battle game (seriously I have no idea what this game was but if anyone knows what I'm talking about let me know). That opened the doorway to computer games for us. So we started buying tidbits here and there and they got cooler and cooler as we went through different computer incarnations. Eventually one of my friends gave me his old Gameboy Advance and games to go with. At the time, I was seriously contemplating kissing the kid, but didn't 'cause ew I'd known him my entire life. (Literally)

Hair Dye
At some point everyone of us decided that we wanted to have a strange hair color. Interestingly enough both my sisters wanted theirs to be purple. Also both my sisters went for the beg my parents until they cave plan when it came to dying their hair. My older sister during her middle school punk rock phase spent months of begging and pleading to dye her hair temporarily purple before my parents finally said yes and she got to do so.

Likewise my younger sister spent months begging my parents to let her dye her hair purple once it had grown out a bit after she shaved her head. She started like four months before she shaved her head that's five months before she actually dyed it. It was a lot of effert for something that faded really quickly and gave her old lady gray hair.

In between both of my sister's dying of their hair purple, my junior year of high school, I just straight up did it without requesting even the slightest permission or giving any warning. (Really out of my siblings, I'm the bad influence.) It was quite funny since we planned several weeks in advance a trip down to the mall. It was a half hour or more away from everyone so planning was a necessity. We spent an hour at the park then went to the mall played on the escalators and elevators then went into Hot Topic where I said, "Hey, what color should I dye my hair?" Before we went to my friends house to do so.

I will tell you now and forever that the best sight in the world was that of my parents when I walked into my mom's work with bright green hair. Boy were they not happy. While it is horrible to say so, I was terribly entertained at my dad fighting the urge to yell at me and instead settling for refusing to call me anything, but the Jolly Green Giant.

On the car ride home, I definitely did get an earful, but it never resulted in any punishment other than my dad making nothing, but vegetable jokes and refusing to call me anything, but the Green Giant for the next month. My grandma being the most entertaining lady in the universe, had a conversation with me for about half an hour before she noticed my green hair and commented on it. Since then everytime I see her and have normal colored hair she tells me how glad she is that it's no longer green. I would not doubt it if everytime she sees me she just expects green hair.

My parents really tried when it came to banning us from watching or doing things. They get an A+ for effort, but honestly we were just too stubborn, me especially. I always have been and most likely will forever be the type of person to do now ask forgiveness later.

PTRD

I have a love hate relationship with history. It is actually an insanely interesting subject and I kind of like learning about it. But thanks to my dad and his Civil War Reenactment Venture Crew I suffer from what me and my siblings jokingly call Post Traumatic Reenactment Disorder (PTRD). Unlike me, my siblings can still bring themselves to take, participate in, and enjoy an actual history class. They however didn't spend two and a half years in Venture Crew 1861 so named after the year the American Civil War started. The American part's important because other countries have had civil wars as well (and that is precisely what participating in a Civil War Reenactment Venture Crew does to you).

Now a Venture Crew for all you people who haven't heard me rant about it, is a part of the Boy Scouts organization.  It's for youth ages 14-21 and is for both boys and girls. There are of course guidelines to joining a crew despite that. You have to believe in a God, oh and you can't be gay. Those are the actual requirement. On top of that to join Venture Crew 1861 specifically you need to willingly dress up like someone from the Civil War.

I originally joined the Venture Crew because they needed members to get it going and my dad said I could leave once they found some. My willingness to try new things has bitten me in the ass more times than I can count, but never more so than when I said to myself "you know it could actually be fun." ("It was a trap!")

In my entire existence on earth I have never experienced a more homophobic, sexist, or close minded atmosphere than that of the Venture Crew. And few people have warranted my wanting to punch them in the dick more than the leader who from this point on due to a lack of better description will be referred to as Sexist Dick of a Douche Bag Pig. In the two and a half years I spent in that Venture Crew I heard everything from, "we don't let gay people in because we don't want any woman being like 'I'm a man.'" (They had me cross dressing as a male soldier) to "Don't any woman in the house cook?" (When my dad made stew for everyone to eat at a drilling session) to "We don't let atheists in because they try to get inside your mind to convert you to their ways. It's the same for gay people." As a gay atheist woman I am highly offended.

I thought it might have just been our specific Venture Crew, so I was excited to actually intermingle with other Venture Crews even if it was at some leadership seminar. When I heard someone say "Girl Scouts is more like I'm trying to be mom," when the people in charge asked if they should try offering The Eagle Scout option to Girl Scouts, I started to argue. Then I was promptly ignored and they moved on deciding that Girl Scouts could do with out Eagle Scouts. Girl Scouts have the Gold Award, they don't need to be Eagle Scouts and Gold is a hell of a lot more fancy than a bird. Birds are gross critters that shit on your car, so bite my flat ass Boy Scouts. In the nine years that I was a Girl Scout, I had never heard a single sexist, homophobic, or even rude comment about religion (or lack there of) from anyone adult leader. In two years of a Venture Crew I had heard more of those comments than everywhere else combined.

On top of all that crap there was the meetings. They are supposed to laugh a little over an hour where you discuss upcoming events, what needs to be done, and maybe play a game or two. These were like time warps from hell. They happened every other Wednesday night. They started at six at night and ended at ten because SDDBP would not shut up. That is four hours of my life every other week for a year until it was decided to give the meeting a cap at nine thirty at night. Then for another year and a half it was three and a half hours every other week. While normally I'd do the math to see how much of my life was wasted, in this case I really don't want to know.

During these meetings I mastered the art of entertaining oneself when you can't actually move around. There are pages upon pages of notebooks that I doodled in. At one meeting we were supposed to learn how to cut five pointed stars out of paper by folding it and cutting. I was the only one who could figured it out and by the end of the night was buried in paper stars. I would click my pen so much it would actually catch SDDBP's attention something that is highly impressive and hard to do when he's busy talking. I learned how to roll cartridges (basically it's a paper packet that contains everything needed to load your musket) so freaking well and so quickly we never ended up using them all. It was basically a never ending void that sucked any free time out of my life. I didn't even have the option not to go. There was a night when I had to write a adaptation of Romeo & Juliet for my English class. I procrastinated on it because I thought that could get me out of the meeting. Nope. I had to take my sister's laptop with me to do so which basically resulted in my just getting lectured for bringing technology the entire time.

That was just all the prep work for being in the Venture Crew. The actual reenacting was insanely different. I have met a lot and I
I mean a lot of reenactors. Most of them are actually incredibly nice people and in general I have nothing against reenactors  On top of that most of them are middle aged men. I always find it hilarious when a group of them take a photo in period accurate clothing and go on and on about how authentic it looks. The average age of a Civil War soldier was seventeen and they were generally living off of squirrels and hard tack (basically a dry teeth breaking cracker). If you ever need to know the difference between an authentic photo and a reenactment one look for the well fed people with wrinkles (photo quality usually gives it away before this point though).

The worst part of being a reenactor is that you don't usually participate in a battle. Most of the events are nothing more than setting up a historically accurate campsite (seriously, it's not even worth the lecture to bring in something newer than 1865), wearing about three layers of wool clothing, and then sitting in the boiling sun explaining to every poor kid that got drug to a reenactment on The Fourth of July what the hell was kept in the average ruck sack. Then if you are not trying to convince small children to break their teeth on hard tack out of sheer boredom you are forced to drill. Drilling is absolutely the worst thing ever that you can do when wearing three layers of wool in July. SDDBP was a really big fan of drilling only because he was the one that got to bark orders at us while standing watching. If you have ever participated in marching band it is ten times worse than that. It was just us standing straight up wearing at least ten pounds of accoutrements (all the shit a soldier had to carry) and rhythmically changing the way that we held our muskets on demand. When we first started learning drills I actually liked it because it was actually pretty interesting and fun. Then we kept doing it and doing it and doing it until two years in when I was very much willing to use that damn musket as club to bash the brains out of SDDBP. (Loading it would have taken too long.)

I mentioned a million times that drilling sucked ass (in the much more polite term of "I hate it!"). No one listened to a word I said. My dad told me that actual soldiers hated it too. Well, see dad they were in actual war. We're teenagers you suckered into joining because it's supposed to be fun. The only person who listened to what I had to say was the wife of SDDBP. She was a super cool lady and I have the utmost respect for her. She tried to tell him that we needed to cut down on drilling and he brushed it asside without giving it any actual thought. I still remember when it got brought up as we ate dinner at Super Salad of all places. He said that his wife had mentioned that we do too much drilling then he turned to me to ask my opinion then turned away before I even answered continuing on about how we totally don't. Venture Crew 1861 was a dictatorship which I was more than willing to flee at any moment.

It actually got to a point of hatred where I was hoping for injuries so I could get out of reenactments. My perpetually messed up jaw came about when I got knocked over in gym class. That morning I was dreading the drilling scheduled for the next day and said to myself optimistically (and only half joking) "I have gym today. Maybe I'll get injured and wont have to drill tomorrow." I got my wish and after X-rays, lots of ice, and trying to eat really chunky soup, I didn't have to drill but instead had to listen SDDBP make comments about the women in the house not doing anything while I couldn't move my jaw or say anything in response.

By the time we actually got to the point of going to an actual reenactment battle I was so jaded, I couldn't have enjoyed it even if I would have earlier. The thing about reenacting a battle is that you die whenever you feel like dieing. This for most people is when their gun starts to burn their hand from firing black powder and the heat of the sun. Then after the battle has progressed you get back up and join the back of the allied formation. For me, I was the first to die then I faked having twisted my knee so I could just sit and play with one of the reenactor's kids for the rest of the weekend. (It's amazing how interesting pick up sticks can be.) It would have seriously been far more fun if it didn't all take place in the middle of summer in Santa Fe, New Mexico, if I wasn't wearing three layers of wool and if I didn't have to be authentic by wearing ten pounds of crap I didn't need like my mess kit. Seriously why does every reenactment take place in the dead of summer? Is it some experiment to see who is the best at fighting off heat stroke?

The worst part though was the car ride back. It was a really long car ride packed into a minivan with my dad, SDDBP, his wife, the brother of one of my friends which for some reason willingly joined, and the other teen reenactor who looked freakishly like Michael Cera. About three hours before we reached Colorado Springs, SDDBP started going off on a homophobic tangent. Gays can't join because they try to convert you. "We don't want any women that are like 'I'm a man's or any men that are like 'I'm a woman.'" I didn't say anything because as a fifteen year old three hours of getting yelled at in a confined space doesn't sound fun and after that I'd still have another hour with just my dad in our car as we headed the rest of the way home to the middle of nowhere. I must have looked pretty sick though because SDDBP's wife said, "if you have any questions, Sarah, just ask your dad later." To which I replied through gritted teeth "I understand perfectly fine."

That was the moment when I was officially done with the Venture Crew. I pretty much begged my parents to let me quit. I told them I don't know how many times that I hated it. I dragged my feet before every event and meeting until eventually I just straight up refused to go. It's amazing how long I put up with it before this point though to be honest. Much longer and you might have heard about the chick that went ballistic and murdered her Venture Crew with a musket.

The Venture Crew was marching in the Veteran's Day Parade. I was not willing to march an ungodly distance wearing shoes that were two sizes too big and in a design that has been obsolete for over a hundred years, for something I don't give the slightest shit about. I would not go and my parents could not make me. It was one of the more spectacular blow ups me and my dad have had and resulted in me being grounded. When I couldn't go to something for a friend my mom asked me quite snarkily if it was worth it which I replied with a quite snarky absolutely. (If anyone questions our relation you are not paying much attention.)

After all of that I quite certainly have PTRD. I have noticed that television shows like to make throw away jokes about reenactors. I can't actually sit through such a joke without freaking out. In an episode of Wizards of Waverly Place the parents come down stairs dressed in reenactment garb talking about going to a Civil War reenactment. I had flashbacks. In my world that would mean that I'd  have to put on a uniform and join in. After that initial freak out, I then realized that the outfits weren't accurate which would get them shunned and that there are no scheduled first deaths at a reenactment as they stated. You truly have no idea how much I hate the fact that I know this. Today I was watching Being Human and Aiden who is an undead vamp guy from the Revolutionary War gets really excited by this chick he meets who likes that era of history and makes a joke about reenacting that era. (It would have been hilarious to me in another world.) While a throw away joke it was enough to seriously kick my ass into flashback mode. Even though the Venture Crew wasn't Revolutionary War my dad does that era of reenactment as well. There is a family Christmas card somewhere where me and my siblings are dressed up from the time period and are about half prepared to kill each other. I also very distinctly remember a rant I received from my father when I said, "I don't care." He took it as I didnt care about the Revolutionary War (which I kind of don't), but at the time I meant I didn't care about the SAR, Son's of the American Revolution, a reenactment group specific only to people who's family's fought in the Revolutionary War.

For the rest of my life I will always have a mini freak out at any sign of reenacting. I will always know useless fact about Civil War soldier uniforms, weapons, and pay wages. I will forever know that the United States doesn't count a musket as a firearm unless it's used in a crime (because seriously it is that useless). And right now, I will admit, that if forced to reenact again (it would have to be at the  gunpoint of a cannon) I would go for the hoop skirt and corset.

Turkey

How often do people actually cook a giant ass turkey as a meal? Most likely you're thinking Christmas and Thanksgiving which is pretty standard. Now how often do people decide to cook a turkey for the sole purpose of making leftover sandwiches because it was  free and a vegetarian suggested it? On top of that how often do they decide it was a good idea to do so at nine o'clock at night? When it comes to bad ideas, I'm just glad that for a change this one can't be pinned on me. (Although I didn't recognize it as a bad idea at the time, so...)

For the past month me, my younger sister, and her boyfriend have been staying at my grandmother's house in the middle of nowhere with absolutely nobody else were related to being there. Along with being one of the most surreal living arrangements I have ever dealt with, it has led to a lot of absurdities (see A Crazies Free Crazy Christmas). One of the most absurd of these absurdities after the demon cat and flood would be the turkey.

For whatever reason, since we've arrived at Florissant House my younger sister has been suggesting that we cook the giant freaking turkey that was left in the deep freeze. She claimed that this was a suggestion from our parents and while that may be the case at first, I am far more certain that it was more of a devious plot to test both mine and her boyfriend's manliness. I'm quite certain neither of us passed. 

Something I truly should've realized is that when a vegetarian tells you to cook a giant ass turkey, something suspicious is going on. Yesterday when my sister had us pull the turkey out of the deep freeze because it would make for great sandwiches for the drive home, I managed to see her logic. Who the hell doesn't love a left over turkey sandwich? (Vegetarians and vegans are disqualified from answering this question.) So we were pretty gung-ho. 

This evening however is when things got interesting. We spent all day running around and seemed to forget about the fact that a giant ass turkey takes like four hours to cook. So instead of participating in the use of our brains we listened to my sister when she said that we should make it when we get back to the house this evening. Never! And I mean never! Trust a vegetarian advocating for the cooking of a turkey! After dinner with a friend, we get back to the house in the middle of nowhere around 9:00pm and my sister promptly reminds me and her boyfriend that we need to cook the turkey before we leave in the morning. Telling us to get to it since we were the ones eating it, my sister sat back and enjoyed the show.

A very true fact is that we didn't have the slightest idea how the heck you cook a turkey apart from you need a giant roasting pan, which thank the universe we had. That was the easy part. Then there was the next part actually opening the turkey package. It was already leaking slight turkey juices from thawing and we weren't exactly enjoying that part, but when we actually had to start touching the meat we realized quite thoroughly that we are the equivalent of cliche teenage girls.

The funniest parts about this to me is that literally a week ago we had no issue cutting up chicken breast to make dinner, I actually loved dissection days in science classes, and have done far grosser things that dress a freaking turkey (see Balls!).  My sister's boyfriend at least had the excuse that he couldn't do dissections in science class and that this was the grossest thing he'd ever done. Why we didn't enjoy all the leaking juices of the turkey, or the texture of the skin, or the little baggies of chicken giblets, what really got us was the neck that we had to take out from inside the turkey. Like seriously what purpose could there possibly be for leaving that in there? Do people actually use it for something? And if so, gross!

My sister had just been watching this the entire time. I have never seen a vegetarian more entertained in the presence of raw meat. She was enjoying the hell out of our ews and gagging, but when it got time to remove the neck from the turkey she was so far past entertained she was probably on a magical level of ecstatic reserved for people who win highly honorable rewards.

Me and my sister's boyfriend could not bring ourselves to pull the neck out of the turkey. The thought of touching it was making us gag and anytime we got close there was some dry heaving. Finally when my younger vegetarian sister stuck her hand in there and just pulled it out like it was no big deal we had to actually exit the kitchen to avoid returning that nice dinner we had to the outside world. It was seriously that gross and I am quite sad to admit that the vegetarian out manned the meat eaters ten fold.

Pulling all the gross shit out was the hard part after that it was just figuring out what the hell you actually do to cook the turkey. I'm quite certain it may have been easier to learn the basics of rocket science for us. My sister however had this shit down (which again should have made me really suspicious). Even though we used the power of google to make sure, she pretty much knew what was up with cooking a turkey and it was mostly used to prove her right and forever solidify her bragging rights ensuring neither me or her boyfriend we ever forget the time a vegetarian beat us in the face of a turkey. 

An hour from the turkey prep starting point and about two hours after we'd had a conversation about dead and rotting things and the vegetarian was complaining about feeling nauseous, we actually managed to get it in the oven properly prepared because the vegetarian knew what the hell she was doing. It was ten at night and we had just put a turkey in the oven. Thinking may have been a good idea at the start of this expedition, but for some unexplained reason that I will never understand, we listened to the vegetarian without question. (In short we are dumb.)

The waiting game ensued. My sister went upstairs to assume her pumpkiness because it was about an hour past the official striking of the clock and me and her boyfriend sat up working on packing things and cleaning things in preparation of our departure. Then eventually he joined my sister in pumpkiness I was left waiting for a turkey to cook. Four and a half hours later the turkey is finished and hopefully edible. The saddest part of the entire thing is that it likely will be because the vegetarian knew what the hell she was doing.