Everyone has at least heard of the good old fashioned, hard to understand "love story" that is Romeo & Juliet. While I love Shakespeare, I think that Romeo and Juliet were total dumbasses. It's really not a love story of the ages. Yes it's a good story and a terrible tragedy, but it's more about stupid teenagers than it is about uncontrollable love.
Let's look at the facts. We've got one Guy who's "in love" with some chick named Roslyn (or something like that; it's been awhile since I read it so names are a bit iffy). And we have some chick who's arranged to marry a guy named Paris. Oh and by the way these two people have families who hate each other, but don't even remember why. There's the basic premise of the story, forbidden love. Isn't it romantic? Blaaaaauuuugh!
Well anyways this Romeo guy asked out Roslyn (or whatever her name is) and got rejected, not in a nice let's just be friends way either. She basically said the Shakespeare equivalent of "I'd rather become a nun." Yeah, Romeo actually not so hot with the ladies. (So ladies when you're looking for your Romeo he's that dweeby kid who's been rejected by every other girl in the area.
Romeo on the rebound gets drug to a party by his Shakespearean wing man. Oh by the way it's the party of his family's mortal enemies. There Romeo sees this chick standing there and suddenly it's all "Roslyn who?" He goes up to this chick who duh is Juliet. Oh, and by the way she's like thirteen. There's some witty banter and they kiss like three times in a flirting scene that would make the gushiest couple I know (my younger sister and her boyfriend) gag. Then Romeo runs off.
Then to the famous balcony scene. Juliet's sitting there talking to her self like people in plays often do. "Wherefore art thou Romeo?" Let's get a couple things clear. Wherefore does not meen where. It means why. She's asking why the hell she has to like the one dude on the planet that she's supposed to hate. This makes the fact that Romeo's being a creeper over in the bushes a lot more disturbing, doesn't it? So Romeo pops out scares the crap out of Juliet, yet she over looks the whole stalker thing (presumably just this once 'cause he's really cute). Then more gushy crap that's been immortalized as romantic.
A little later on they run off and get some poor sap of a preacher to marry them. Instead of running off and living together like the normal people who elope, they decide that Romeo's just gonna sneak into her room at night. Facepalms anyone?
So Romeo's strolling down the street with his wingman. And they get into this fight with Juliet's cousin. Sword play ensues and what do you know Juliet's cousin gets stabbed. Well the guy in charge if Verona's not exactly pleased so he banishes Romeo.
News travels to Juliet that there was a fight. She of course asks what happened to Romeo not you know her cousin! Her nurse (the news bringer) gets pissed and finally attempts to knock some sense into this chick's skull. But while sad about her cousin, Juliet is still madly obsessed with Romeo.
So the preacher dude, the nurse, and Juliet make a plan. (Doesn't that just sound like the beginning of a bad joke?) Juliet's supposed to drink this magic potion to make her appear dead. The preaching guy's going to send a note to Romeo informing him of this plan. Then they're gonna run off into the sunset all happily ever after.
This of course does not work. Juliet's part all works fine, but he note doesn't get through due to an inability to travel. Well balls! So Romeo hears that Juliet dies. He's all devistated, so he buys poison, gives the apothecary some speach about how greed's the real poison, then runs off to kill himself next to Juliet.
Romeo shows up all ready to die and Paris sees him enter the tomb. Paris who's actually a nice guy who really loves Juliet goes in after him thinking "mortal enemy of Juliet's family; bitch is gonna defile the grave!" Paris (again actually a good guy) attempts to put an end to this crap and oh, what do you know, gets stabbed. The one sensible, sweet fellow in the whole damn play and everyone wants the love obsessed, stalker dweeb to come sweep them off their feet? *facepalm*
So Romeo gives his whole romantic I can't live without you speach then swigs his poison. Thud! The dude's dead. Right then Juliet decides to come out of her magic coma. She sees dead beat on the floor and flips out. She kisses him after seeing the poison in hopes there will be enough on his lips to kill her. (Do I even need to say "facepalm" here?) She decides that ain't working so she takes his dagger and stabs it through her chest.
After that everyone shows up finds the three dead kids. Mourning all around. The two feuding families decide to put apart their differences and cry collectively blaming themselves for not letting them just love who they want.
Now how many times has this story been done (usually with a happy ending)? Let's see there's The Lion King II, some movie about lepricauhns and fairies that I watched one time, an episode of Scooby Doo, etc. It's everywhere but with a lot less death.
Yet, when they do it they give Romeo a personality transplant. The personality of the character is really nothing like the original Romeo so everyone wants Romeo.
As far as I'm concerned, screw Romeo he can go stalker suicide somewhere else. I sure as heck don't want to be Juliet. I like not stabbing myself or drinking poison. I don't know about you but a nice healthy relationship without mutual suicide sounds good to me.
I bet you if they just came out about it and told their parents this is the way it is, they could have avoided the whole suicide thing. There'd be lots of yelling maybe a couple more sword fights, but hey suicide free. Or they could've just been sane and ran off together like everyone else.
The moral of the story don't kill yourself dumbass! Or maybe it's sane guys get stabbed. Or in he manner of all Shakespeare tragedies everyone dies.
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