Do to one conversation held late at night (or early in the morning) a friend and I developed a series of rules that will help a person survive horror movie situations. Here goes:
Rule 1. Never split up
Rule 2. Be white
Rule 3. Don't be funny
Rule 4. If your friend is captured, don't be a hero.
Rule 5. Don't investigate strange noises.
Rule 6. Don't hide in a closet
Rule 7. Don't sneak off to make out.
Rule 8. Everyone who has sex dies. If people are dropping like flies, don't fornicate.
Rule 9. When your friends start to disappear, find a weapon with bullets.
Rule 10. Don't trust the creepy person inviting you into their home.
Rule 11. Don't talk to strangers, no matter how hot, interesting, or nice they appear to be.
Rule 12. Know how to change a tire.
Rule 13. Get a navigation system.
Rule 14. Make sure you actually have a spare tire.
Rule 15. Make sure your shoes are tied.
Rule 16. Don't wear flip flops.
Rule 17. Don't stay at hotels/inns/motels where there are no other guests.
Rule 18. Don't eat or drink anything a stranger gives you.
Rule 19. Don't consume anything that makes you less than sober.
Rule 20. Know how to run.
Rule 21. Make sure you're faster than at least one of your friends.
Rule 22. Typically one boy and one girl live. If you're the last of your gender, still be cautious.
Rule 23. Don't be a crazy religious bitch.
Rule 24. Always collect proof of what's happening around you. You will likely end up in jail otherwise.
Rule 25. Don't go exploring. Shit always happens when people go exploring.
Rule 26. Don't follow pleas for help. It's usually a trap.
Rule 27. If you see a man in a hockey mask and he's not actually playing hockey, it's safe to assume he's not friendly and you should run for your life.
Rule 28. Red means blood, so run for your life, dumb ass.
Rule 29. Don't go into the dark room. Chances are whatever is after you is in there.
Rule 30. If you try to take a picture of whatever is after you, you are screwed.
Rule 31. The only reason you should ever go outside is if the person trying to kill you is inside. The only exception to this rule is in case of zombies.
Rule 32. Don't believe everything you see/hear. In cases of supernatural occurrences, sights/sounds are completely useless.
Rule 33. In the event of supernatural occurrences, don't use a Ouija board.
Rule 34. If someone warns you to not do something, don't do it.
Rule 35. Trust your gut feelings over all else.
Rule 36. Don't go places with do not enter signs. It doesn't matter if you were triple dog dared.
Rule 37. If someone appears out of nowhere, get away from them as soon as possible.
Rule 38. If your friend is acting out of character you're in a horror movie and
should kill them/call an exorcist, or you're in a romantic comedy and
they've found love, or you're in a science fiction movie and they've been
replaced (once again the appropriate action is to kill them).
Rule 39. If a psychologist says that a person is mentally unstable, it would be wise to avoid all contact with that person.
Rule 40. Don't pick up hitchhikers, people passed out along the side of the road, or anyone strolling around the woods naked.
Rule 41. Don't dig up the past. If someone died fifty years ago, let it be. Investigating that sort of thing could get you killed.
Rule 42. When your child informs you she wants to leave the house, you leave the house.
Rule 43. If you're going to die, die with dignity. Don't crawl on the floor like a pathetic little worm.
Rule 44. Don't play pranks on anyone, you will die (especially if it's a zombie apocalypse).
Rule 45. If someone dies, don't stop to cry over their dead body.
Rule 46. You will have an excessive amount of blood in your body, as well as a freakishly high pain tolerance. No matter how badly wounded, you will still be able to take out the killer. Don't miss this opportunity.
Rule 47. Use common sense.
Rule 48. Be resourceful anything can either be used as a weapon or trap, or converted into one. Channel the kid from Home Alone.
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