Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

I will not survive the zombie apocalypse. That's right I said it. I fully admit to my inability to live through the inevitability of zombies eating us all. No one ever wants to admit that they will die the painful death of zombie food. Even I, proclaimer of my own demise, still have a plan to keep myself out of the zombie snack box. That being said, I will die because of reasons completely unrelated to the ones that will kill those of you who are terrified of spiders and have no idea how guns work.
 
POSSIBLE DEATH ONE (Except this one. This might be how some of you will die.)

The most likely cause of my demise will simply be that I'll have no idea that zombie meal time is going on outside, until one of my roommates comes in and eats my face.

Since, I don't have cable television in my apartment, the only way I keep track of what goes on in the world is over the internet and most of the time anything not having to do with pop culture gets skimmed over for more exciting things like "The Top Ten Guest Roles Of George Takei." (Not sure if that's actually an article, but probably.) So I will scan right over the one titled, "Zombies Have Captured Orlando" assuming it is some stupid publicity stunt and continue on with binge watching Star Trek on Netflix.

Me only moments before my zombie sister eats me.

Now to all you people like, "Won't the power go out at some point?" And to that you are absolutely correct and I still won't notice. I am in fact half mole so I have managed to not notice that the power was out for hours on end. I never turn on lights, and even if I did, I don't have any light source other than the window in my bedroom. (I actually kind of need to remedy that.) With my current living arrangements, I will just be sitting in my room on my computer or reading and will only notice that the power has gone out when I either get up for food and open the fridge or try to plug something in to charge. And in that case I will just assume that it will come back on in a little while and will resume reading by flashlight with my tasty snack. I could go on like this for days without thinking much of it.

There are only few things that will keep me from being the unaware hermit in my cave.

Option 1. I finally decide that I need electricity and get off my ass to go talk to the leasing office in which case I'll be immediately eaten by my super (or whichever one of my neighbors decides I look tasty).  This will take about 1-3 days depending on how much food I have that is actually dependent on the fridge.

Option 2. One of my roommates, the one that is not my sister, will insist we all go the park (because he's basically a puppy with human levels of  hygiene). We'll put on pants and bras (on some occasions he might put on a bra as well) and we'll step outside and then get eaten while we're waiting for him to unlock the car.

Option 3. It will start raining, and my sister will step outside to prevent her bamboo from being rained to death (that is actually a thing when you leave plants on the balcony). Then notice that there are a bunch of dead guys shambling around the neighborhood. This is our most likely chance of survival. But that will only last until the zombies realize there are snacks inside and climb in from out neighbors balcony to eat us.


POSSIBLE DEATH TWO

Assuming my sister's bamboo has saved us from being eaten by our neighbors and we manage to barricade ourselves inside long enough, there will be the problem of food. Once, we eat through the last of our ramen, rice, and canned beans we will have to brave the outside world for food. This will be about a week into the zombie apocalypse (We eat a lot and just don't have food). Our weapons will be a historically accurate tomahawk I own from reenacting, a couple decoration swords my sister's boyfriend owns, a couple wooden practice swords that I own, and possible a hatchet for splitting wood. In other words, we will make it to the car by the sheer luck of a Walking Dead character. Let's just hope the real zombie apocalypse specializes in television suspense.

Luckiest bastard ever!

Assuming we make it to the car and from there make it inside the grocery store. The next challenge is finding the foods that aren't expired, we're not allergic to, and haven't already been looted. In order to avoid being eaten by a zombie while reading ingredients (seriously it takes like two hours to grocery shop), we'll have to just take everything that is left (probably not much) and pack it into our car.

Then when we get it back into our apartment and again by Walking Dead luck make it back inside with all our food, I guarantee my roommates will have twice as much if not more food than I will. They'll have cans of lots of things that have tomatoes in them. Then they'll have lots of things that have potatoes in them. Heck they may even have real potatoes because those things last forever. While they are all eating canned chili, I will be eating the last of the cat food and will starve to death in the corner of our apartment ashamed that I even bothered eating the cat to survive. (I actually probably wouldn't eat the cat. She'd probably eat me though.)

Yeah, probably...

POSSIBLE DEATH THREE

The next possible way I will die is that somehow while we're all surviving the zombies I'll manage to get stung by a bee. Since there are no hospitals and zombies prevent us from getting anywhere I'll just die of a bee sting. Just 'cause other things are trying to kill us the normal things won't stop trying as well.

Muahahahahaha!

POSSIBLE DEATH FOUR

Assuming we've survived long enough to get out of our apartment and find some guns. I'll actually be able to shoot one well. (Yay! Crazy backwoods middle of nowhere families!) At this point I'll be super impressed at my zombie movie survival rate. By now I should definitely have been caught up eating people, but who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth. Then the next thing to kill me will be my clumsiness. We'll be running from the zombie hoard and will even be way ahead of them. That's when we're running up that hill to get away I trip, or slip, or just plain suddenly decide basic motor functions aren't for me and before you know it I'm tumbling down the hill headed to be dinner for my future friends.

Says my body to myself.

So without further ado, I apologize in advance to all you future zombies that I eat. Hopefully my jacked up jaw will give you a better chance of survival and I'll just drool zombie juices without actually breaking the skin.