Highly Contagious

Everyone knows at least one person who can't keep their nose out of other people's business. They always seem to "know" what's going on without actually knowing if what they know is correct or not. These are people who honestly have nothing better to do with their time. It's like some highly contagious disease. One person hears or sees something they find offensive (warranted or not) then they pass along how "horrible" it was to someone else. The next thing you know everyone is looking at you like you have a horns popping out of your head. This isn't even just the stuff of bad high school movies. It happens all the time, especially in my family.

I have an incredibly nosy family, but they don't bother to fact check. Listening to some of the things they say is like reading the front page of the national enquirer and trust me I have plenty of examples.

I'll start with the most ridiculous of family "controversies." A few years ago when my cousin was a little baby her parents and siblings and everyone else I'm related to came to visit for the summer (like they do every summer). We took some pictures of my older sister holding our baby cousin. My mom sent them to her mom. Instead of my grandmother thinking something logical like, "That's a cute baby. I wonder who's it is." she automatically assumed that my older sister had given birth to this baby. I don't know how her mind managed to come to that conclusion. Maybe, she thought that we hadn't sent her pictures for awhile because we didn't want to show any signs of my older sisters pregnancy. That's honestly the most logical reason I can come up with.

Here's another example: A year or so ago (not exactly sure), my younger sister posted the f-word on her Facebook status. Here's how things went down. My cousin (who's in her forties), showed her mother (my aunt). My aunt then called the neighbor's that we have at our family ranch in Wyoming (there isn't a phone at the actual ranch). My dad then went over to the neighbors to use the phone and received the message that his sister had called. My dad then called my aunt the see what the hullabaloo was. After that conversation he called home where he spent an hour yelling at my younger sister about her language.

The last one that occurred when I posted my blog about helping castrate a calf (see Balls!). My aunt called my grandma (my dad's mom) and after the chat, me and my younger sister received this nice little lecture about being careful with what we post online. I spent a week trying to figure out which of my Facebook posts caused the family freak out. I figured it was a link I posted about gay rights, atheism or something that might even be considered controversial. My grandma couldn't remember what it was, so after much asking from me and my sister she asked my aunt again and found out what it was. As it turns out my aunt was offended by a post that read, "'You might learn somethin'' Sorry Dad but I highly doubt that I'll ever need to know how to castrate a cow." What they found offensive about that post was that I used the word "castrate." What was I supposed to call it? Testicle Removal Surgery? Reproduction Away? Manhood Removal? Bye Bye Balls? I seriously don't know. I figured the technical term was just fine, but apparently that's vulgar.

With the way word travels in my family, I have a pretty good idea of what they'll be freaking about next. A couple weekends ago my younger sister had her boyfriend over. Didn't really think much of it other than it's really annoying to have to ask them to move while they're snogging because they're blocking the stairs. That night at dinner, after he left, my grandma said, "They were getting smoochy." I just know that she will say those exact words to one of my aunts. It will then travel down the crazy phone tree turning into, "they were moments away from sex." When we get it back to us my grandma will have forgotten her "smoochy" comment, but everyone will have taken their own spin on the term.

Japanese Monster Movies

There is something about the Japanese their obsession with giant monsters battling each other. Over the summer me and my friends had a party on world UFO day. We watched some incredibly bad old alien films. apart from Santa Conquers the Martians we watched a movie called Destroy All Planets.

Since we weren't really paying attention we couldn't figure out what the plot of this movie was. It started of with a ship in space the looked like a ring of bumble bees. Then there was another ship. I commented, "It looks like a turtle!" Directly after I said that flames stopped shooting out of it and out popped a head and legs. Turns out it was turtle. Even though the movie had just started we were all totally lost.

Next scene had something to do with waht looked like kid filled military base. A couple of jokers snuck into a submarine and palyed with the wiring so that everything ran backwards. Then when they took it down they saw our friend the giant fire breathing turtle.

Without any warning the scene changed and we were watching a battle between the giant turtle and giant lizard of some sort. Then after a little bit of that a pterydactyl type creature apeared and was battling them. When the sun came up the pterydactyl's head glowed and he disapeared.

Randomly it cut to a scene where the jokers from before were explaining what they saw to what I assume was a teacher of somesort. They said that they saw a giant turtle then BAM! We were back to the epic monster battle. After that we just turned it off and turned on Santa Conquers the Martians.

I'd love to say that this is the only movie like this I've seen but there are several. The Japanese love thier giant monster battles. Small creatures beating each other up is no fun. So they are incresed in size or put inside giant metal robots.

Horror Movie

People always yell at the screen during horror movies (at least in their heads). The one advantage we have as the audience is that we know it's a horror movie and we know that some giant beast or serial killer is gonna leap out and eat their face. But in real life we don't get that lovely advantage. When there's a noise that freaks us out the natural reaction is to go investigate. Last night I had one of these investigatory moments.

I lost track of time and didn't notice that it was getting dark. For that reason I had to go out and feed the cows and horse in the dark. I don't really care if this happens. It just makes the job far more difficult than it needs to be. So I'm out there in the dark scooping hay to the cows when I here this barking, whimpering,  whining sound. I froze for a moment and listened. It didn't happen again so continued shoveling hay. Then I heard it again. I thought maybe the dog had snuck out the door after me. I called, "Girlie!" The sound seemed to stop so I finished giving the horse hay. Then I heard it again.

I couldn't help it I had to investigate. So I followed the noise in the dark clutching a crappy flashlight in one hand and a pitchfork in the other. Every once an while it would stop so I'd stop and listen. Then follow it once it started up again. I got to the edge of our fence and the noise stopped completely. I stood there and listened for a couple minutes. All I heard was may heart pounding. I started back towards the cows. I got about half way back when I heard the noise again. Only difference was that it was coming from the direction I originally came from. If I wasn't completely freaked before that, I definitely was after. I got back and our horse, Rocky, was staring at something. He didn't seem concerned, but by that point I was too freaked to even bother trying to figure out what the sound was. I booked it back up to the house.

I figure that it was probably a coyote or something. Where we have our cows and horse can echo pretty well sometimes. Heck if it was an animal it probably just moved. That would be the logical explanation of things. But while I was down there my mind started with coyotes than progressed to cults sacrificing animals, vampires, pontianaks, were-wolves, manticores, the Questing Beast, and Will-o'-the-wisps (once I'd heard it coming from my starting point). The whole time I was "investigating," my mind was yelling at me the same things you want to yell at the screen for a horror movie. Needless to say it didn't make a difference.

Oblivious

I'm oblivious on many things. On most occasions I'm the last to know things. Heck sometimes I'm even the last to know things that actively have to do with me. Often times when my mom plans something for the family I only learn about the night before. I'm not sure if this is because I just pay no attention or if no one actually tells me anything. Honestly I would say that it's both.

I'm not even just oblivious about what happens around me. I'm also horribly oblivious about what I do. When I get excited you might as well throw observance into a boiling pit of lava. There have been many occasions where I've gotten excited about something. Then fallen on my face because I tripped over something. Once I did an epic leap over the dog and landed perfectly. I was really proud that I stuck the landing. Then I took one step, tripped over my grandma's oxygen hose and THUMP! I was down.

I don't even just get injured when oblivious attacks. I do some dumb things as well. I went to the library, gotten really excited because they had a manga series that I was really excited to read, and with out reading I grabbed the whole series off the shelf. When I was checking them out I noticed that I had grabbed two copies of each book. I felt really bad that the librarian had to re-shelve half the books (but then he was rude about it so I felt a little less bad). I felt like a dumb ass.

Now I once again I feel like a dumb ass. Earlier today, I went shopping and got really excited when I saw that they had The Muppets soundtrack. I grabbed a copy off the shelf again not really looking. When I got home and was about to open it I discovered that I had bought a copy of it that was in Spanish. Or as it says on the cover, "LOS MUPPETS: INCLUYE: LA MUSICA ORIGINAL DE LA PELUCULA EN ESPANOL"

I'm a dumb ass.