I am a member of the human race (or so I've been told anyways) that happens to have food allergies. My allergies also rhyme, so I am only a half step away from being a children's book. (I'll probably write it myself and title it "Tomatoes, Potatoes, and Tornados.")
Now if you are a member of the human race that also happens to have a food allergy (an actual one. Keep those pansy intolerances to yourselves!), then I salute you for the massive pain you deal with on a daily basis. Also I'm going to bitch slap you off that pedestal when you start telling me how much worse your egg or cinnamon allergy is. Fact is they all suck so zip it and if I must I will introduce you to the gluten free, dairy free, soy free, potato free, vegetarian diet of my older sister. (Her genetics didn't quite get Got To Catch 'Em All only applied to Pokemon.)
Allergies are basically just a little rap on the knuckles from the universe to remind you that it doesn't like you. As a result everything food related is incredibly convoluted and usually slightly depressing.
In my opinion the most depressing of foods is pizza. Pizza just exists to taunt me. It's a round greasy delicious food that I can never forget because the internet is an evil little magic box that probably should have been burned way before I ever wrote this blog.
"Let's order pizza, guys!"
That's cool I'll just sit over hear and eat chips. Oh. They're potato chips nevermind. Oh wait there's others. Oh, nope they use tomato powder for coloring. Could you order breadsticks?
There are literally two places where ordering pizza isn't incredibly depressing. The best place being City 'O City in downtown Denver. You have not lived until you have tried an apricot sauce vegatarian pizza (or you may have lived a normal life). The best part is that it is more than "Can I have that with white sauce?" (Seriously, screw Alfredo!) And I guarantee I won't get sick from cross-contamination like a little assassination attempt from my food to remind me it's in charge.
Mexican food would be next on the list of depressing foods. I never eat Mexican food unless I make it myself or I buy a giant burrito from Chipotle where the believe no tomatoes should be an option. Going to any actual Mexican restaurant goes as follows.
Step 1. Read every ingredient listed to find a dish that doesn't sound too tomatoey.
Step 2. Ask the waiter if the marinades, chilies and sauces have tomatoes in them. (I have been lucky before so you can stop that laughter at the snort that began it.)
Step 3. Get told everything is cooked on the same grill and yes tomatoes are involved.
Step 4. Give up and order a plain bean burrito
Step 5. Oh, I get a side. Uhm... That has tomatoes... So does that... And that. I'll have two sides of beans please.
Step 6. Eat beans while playing find the tortilla.
Step 7. Proceed with flatulence for the rest of the evening.
Now moving on, let's talk about diners. I love diner food. Diners however love potatoes. Everything and I mean everything comes with potatoes. Have you ever ordered a breakfast skillet at those places? They're good right? Now take away the potatoes and enjoy your onion and ham breath for the rest of the day. (Also you'll be hungry in two hours.) I'm not sure if it is just good business to fill everyone up on potatoes or just plain evil.
Now right next to diner food on my list is anything that comes with a side of French fries. I am always the customer that is like, "Can I trade the French fries for sweet potato fries? No? Onion rings? No? What other sides do you have? Yeah, I'll have fresh fruit."
Now that we've covered food from Europe and the Americas let's go to Asia, shall we? I absolutely love Asian food. The main reason being it is absolutely delicious. The second being they don't use tomatoes and potatoes as the basis for all their damn foods. I can go to a Chinese restaurant and I have so many options. Only like two things I can't eat. I don't know about you, but I can live without sweet and sour sauce. It is victory that I can eat food without dying afterwards. I will never not get excited when someone suggests Chinese, Japanese or Thai food.
Now if you think I'm bad wait until you get my entire family in a restaurant. Most of the time spent sitting there is just us asking the poor waiter about every ingredient they ever use. (We tip well though, so we acknowledge our pain-in-the-assery.)
Over Christmas break we decided to all try a Thai place. With all our collective allergies it was actually impressive how well we managed. Of course we did end up with one allergic reaction. (A Robinson family reunion escape trick fake an allergic reaction or an actual one works fine too.) My younger sister managed to order the perfect plate of death. It was a curry of some sort and my younger sister got one with green peppers, her one food allergy. (Seriously, you had one job.) As son as we figured that out the rest of the time was spent trying to pawn it off elsewhere. None of us could eat it to avoid making it go to waste. My mom and older sister couldn't do it because it had gluten. My younger sister's boyfriend couldn't eat it because it had peanuts. I couldn't eat it because the sauce was tomato based. And my dad was just being a picky eater because it had tofu. ("I'm not eating that whale flubber stuff." -An actual quote by my father.)
To be honest it is actually incredibly impressive everyone in my family is still alive and we haven't all just decided to replace our meals with futuristic capsule ones to avoid all the hassle of the "Will I die?" debate. It's not like we could do the gum from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. All that tomato soup. Okay, everyone but me could do it. I'll just sit over here and nibble on my gobstopper.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Sunday, March 9, 2014
On Being Serious
Today, is going to be a very rare moment in my life when I am going to be serious about something. Here goes. Ladies, gentlemen, and anyone else that bothers to read this, I am not a serious person. For some reason, a lot of people do not understand that I am not a serious person. I blame this partially on my chronic bitch face and partially on the fact that people take themselves way too seriously.
I take myself about as seriously as teenagers take consequences. (Actually less so.) I think I am an absolutely absurd person with a life to match it. That is why when I fall on my ass, am cyberstalked by a porcelain goose (a story for another time my friends), or manage to squirt lemonade in my eye, I am usually the first to laugh at it (after or during the required cursing of course). I take so little to heart I forget that other people actually care about these things. Mostly because I don't understand why they do.
One of the lighthearted things I do is comment on things people do or ask questions about it. I never mean anything by them, I honestly just thought that the way you put your hair up was interesting, or was legitimately curious as to why people put cereal in mugs. (I still do not get this. It is completely baffling to me.)
Today on set when packing up the leftovers of the sandwich platter, the person doing so said, "It won't fit." about one of the condiment containers. I simply replied, "Yes, it will." I wasn't trying to be snarky (or "snippy" as she put it). I just knew it would fit and took over putting it away. (By the way it did fit.) No one ever believes me when I say, "I'm not being snippy."
My parents love to lecture me on my snippiness or attitude as they put it. Yes, sometimes I do have an attitude and I still retain the belief that it's usually for a legitimate reason. I really don't like to put up with people's bullshit and am increasingly less willing to do so. (Note: The attitude lectures began after I started calling my dad out on his crap.)
For some reason when people talk shit about someone, deservedly or not, they expect whoever is standing near them to be on their side. That's when my eyes glaze over and I stop participating in the conversation. Don't get me wrong I have talked my fair share of shit, so I'm no better (exhibit A: this blog post). I just don't like listening to people insist on bringing it where it doesn't belong, like a film set. You have a job to do. Suck it up and bitch later when you don't have to work with them anymore.
I don't know what it is about me, but I am the go to person for people to come to when they want to bitch about someone. My coworkers did it, people on film sets do it, everyone in drama did it, most members of my girl scout troop did it. My theory is that since I don't care to participate much it just gives them a vast opening to keep talking. I normally don't mind listening even. People have to vent about stupid shit other people do, but don't do it when you have to turn around and see them again in five minutes. It only makes the rest of the time you have to work with them seem that much worse. There is a time and place for venting, but when you have a job to do is not it.
For some reason, that reason usually being sleep deprivation and tight quarters, film sets are cesspools for bullshit. It's a stressful environment so I never take it to heart when someone snaps at me or gets angry for no reason. It's not about me, even if it's directed at me. No one else ever gets that. In the past three weeks I have worked on six different films and have surprised several directors, by not having even once been upset or pissed off when they have snapped at me. (They always apologize later and I appreciate that, but I was never worrying about it to begin with.) I however am the only one that seems to share that sentiment. Everyone else stores it up, so that by the time we're done filming at least two people on set pretty much hate each other. And sometimes if the film set is really lucky there is one person in particular who gets to be hated by everyone on set simply for doing their job. (On only one occasion it was because they were legitimately an asshole and deserved it.)
I'm not saying people don't get on my nerves because dear god they do (and not just for their bitch sessions), but it is too much time and effort to worry about it. I have other shit I need to be doing rather than telling the producer that "(Choose a name) was trying to get me to talk shit about you." When all he said was "Me and the producer are just not getting along right now." Move some equipment, or gaff an extension cable, or better yet shove some of that craft services into your face and stop talking.
I have only been on one shoot where bitching and moaning was a legitimate thing to do. And that is because the director left halfway through set up because he forgot stuff at his house two hours away, he had us haul a mattress across the city by holding it onto the roof of a car with our hands because he didn't give us long enough cables to secure it, turns out he didn't actually need it, not only did I get injured, so did our stunt guy because he decided to change up the stunt without letting the guy know, he only offered lunch meat and hummus as food with no bread or anything else, he tried to get away with not paying us back for props we bought, but he decided be didn't want to use, and he made everyone stay until 1:00am each night on the weekend before finals because he didn't have his shit together. Unless they are actually being that level of an asshole, I don't want to hear it. Here's a snickers. Talk to me when you have your head out of your ass.
I may not be a serious person, but I will get serious when it comes to getting things done on film set. And that is when I have the opposite problem.
I can work and talk at the same time. I can even work quickly while still smiling and joking the entire time. And if I am doing something tedious that I have to focus on then I will ignore everything and everyone around me. I usually do all that before I get on set because I usually work art department. And unless we have to copper plate a wall in five minutes, which I've done, (it was wrapping paper), I can poster an entire wall while still talking to everyone around me in a joking and friendly manner. That is when people think I'm not taking my job seriously.
Today, I actually got a lecture about needing to be more focused and ready to help out. While it may not look like it while I am standing in the corner reading, when I am on set I will drop anything I have in order to help with what is needed. The standing in a corner is just to keep me out of the way and reading is to keep my brain awake. Boredom is death to my productivity.
Film is one of those things I take very seriously and will do anything necessary to get stuff done. Just tell me what to do. My ears are always listening for key phrases that mean I'm needed. I like to have fun with what I do which is why I name the list of people who are using props The Bloodhunt List and label certain articles of clothing The Dead Wookie Scarf or the Bipolar Dress. What's the point in working hard if you are not having fun.
So, no I am not a serious person, but yes I take what I do seriously. Why does everyone seem to think that taking something seriously means sucking the fun out of it? If anyone can explain this to me please do and I'll probably tell you that is dumb as shit. Unless it is a funeral, taking it seriously does not mean being serious. Thank you and goodnight. Or rather good morning because I have insomnia since I had to take my inhaler.
I take myself about as seriously as teenagers take consequences. (Actually less so.) I think I am an absolutely absurd person with a life to match it. That is why when I fall on my ass, am cyberstalked by a porcelain goose (a story for another time my friends), or manage to squirt lemonade in my eye, I am usually the first to laugh at it (after or during the required cursing of course). I take so little to heart I forget that other people actually care about these things. Mostly because I don't understand why they do.
One of the lighthearted things I do is comment on things people do or ask questions about it. I never mean anything by them, I honestly just thought that the way you put your hair up was interesting, or was legitimately curious as to why people put cereal in mugs. (I still do not get this. It is completely baffling to me.)
Today on set when packing up the leftovers of the sandwich platter, the person doing so said, "It won't fit." about one of the condiment containers. I simply replied, "Yes, it will." I wasn't trying to be snarky (or "snippy" as she put it). I just knew it would fit and took over putting it away. (By the way it did fit.) No one ever believes me when I say, "I'm not being snippy."
My parents love to lecture me on my snippiness or attitude as they put it. Yes, sometimes I do have an attitude and I still retain the belief that it's usually for a legitimate reason. I really don't like to put up with people's bullshit and am increasingly less willing to do so. (Note: The attitude lectures began after I started calling my dad out on his crap.)
For some reason when people talk shit about someone, deservedly or not, they expect whoever is standing near them to be on their side. That's when my eyes glaze over and I stop participating in the conversation. Don't get me wrong I have talked my fair share of shit, so I'm no better (exhibit A: this blog post). I just don't like listening to people insist on bringing it where it doesn't belong, like a film set. You have a job to do. Suck it up and bitch later when you don't have to work with them anymore.
I don't know what it is about me, but I am the go to person for people to come to when they want to bitch about someone. My coworkers did it, people on film sets do it, everyone in drama did it, most members of my girl scout troop did it. My theory is that since I don't care to participate much it just gives them a vast opening to keep talking. I normally don't mind listening even. People have to vent about stupid shit other people do, but don't do it when you have to turn around and see them again in five minutes. It only makes the rest of the time you have to work with them seem that much worse. There is a time and place for venting, but when you have a job to do is not it.
For some reason, that reason usually being sleep deprivation and tight quarters, film sets are cesspools for bullshit. It's a stressful environment so I never take it to heart when someone snaps at me or gets angry for no reason. It's not about me, even if it's directed at me. No one else ever gets that. In the past three weeks I have worked on six different films and have surprised several directors, by not having even once been upset or pissed off when they have snapped at me. (They always apologize later and I appreciate that, but I was never worrying about it to begin with.) I however am the only one that seems to share that sentiment. Everyone else stores it up, so that by the time we're done filming at least two people on set pretty much hate each other. And sometimes if the film set is really lucky there is one person in particular who gets to be hated by everyone on set simply for doing their job. (On only one occasion it was because they were legitimately an asshole and deserved it.)
I'm not saying people don't get on my nerves because dear god they do (and not just for their bitch sessions), but it is too much time and effort to worry about it. I have other shit I need to be doing rather than telling the producer that "(Choose a name) was trying to get me to talk shit about you." When all he said was "Me and the producer are just not getting along right now." Move some equipment, or gaff an extension cable, or better yet shove some of that craft services into your face and stop talking.
I have only been on one shoot where bitching and moaning was a legitimate thing to do. And that is because the director left halfway through set up because he forgot stuff at his house two hours away, he had us haul a mattress across the city by holding it onto the roof of a car with our hands because he didn't give us long enough cables to secure it, turns out he didn't actually need it, not only did I get injured, so did our stunt guy because he decided to change up the stunt without letting the guy know, he only offered lunch meat and hummus as food with no bread or anything else, he tried to get away with not paying us back for props we bought, but he decided be didn't want to use, and he made everyone stay until 1:00am each night on the weekend before finals because he didn't have his shit together. Unless they are actually being that level of an asshole, I don't want to hear it. Here's a snickers. Talk to me when you have your head out of your ass.
I may not be a serious person, but I will get serious when it comes to getting things done on film set. And that is when I have the opposite problem.
I can work and talk at the same time. I can even work quickly while still smiling and joking the entire time. And if I am doing something tedious that I have to focus on then I will ignore everything and everyone around me. I usually do all that before I get on set because I usually work art department. And unless we have to copper plate a wall in five minutes, which I've done, (it was wrapping paper), I can poster an entire wall while still talking to everyone around me in a joking and friendly manner. That is when people think I'm not taking my job seriously.
Today, I actually got a lecture about needing to be more focused and ready to help out. While it may not look like it while I am standing in the corner reading, when I am on set I will drop anything I have in order to help with what is needed. The standing in a corner is just to keep me out of the way and reading is to keep my brain awake. Boredom is death to my productivity.
Film is one of those things I take very seriously and will do anything necessary to get stuff done. Just tell me what to do. My ears are always listening for key phrases that mean I'm needed. I like to have fun with what I do which is why I name the list of people who are using props The Bloodhunt List and label certain articles of clothing The Dead Wookie Scarf or the Bipolar Dress. What's the point in working hard if you are not having fun.
So, no I am not a serious person, but yes I take what I do seriously. Why does everyone seem to think that taking something seriously means sucking the fun out of it? If anyone can explain this to me please do and I'll probably tell you that is dumb as shit. Unless it is a funeral, taking it seriously does not mean being serious. Thank you and goodnight. Or rather good morning because I have insomnia since I had to take my inhaler.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)