Food Allergies

I am a member of the human race (or so I've been told anyways) that happens to have food allergies. My allergies also rhyme, so I am only a half step away from being a children's book. (I'll probably write it myself and title it "Tomatoes, Potatoes, and Tornados.")

Now if you are a member of the human race that also happens to have a food allergy (an actual one. Keep those pansy intolerances to yourselves!), then I salute you for the massive pain you deal with on a daily basis. Also I'm going to bitch slap you off that pedestal when you start telling me how much worse your egg or cinnamon allergy is. Fact is they all suck so zip it and if I must I will introduce you to the gluten free, dairy free, soy free, potato free, vegetarian diet of my older sister. (Her genetics didn't quite get Got To Catch 'Em All only applied to Pokemon.)

Allergies are basically just a little rap on the knuckles from the universe to remind you that it doesn't like you. As a result everything food related is incredibly convoluted and usually slightly depressing.

In my opinion the most depressing of foods is pizza. Pizza just exists to taunt me. It's a round greasy delicious food that I can never forget because the internet is an evil little magic box that probably should have been burned way before I ever wrote this blog.

"Let's order pizza, guys!"
That's cool I'll just sit over hear and eat chips. Oh. They're potato chips nevermind. Oh wait there's others. Oh, nope they use tomato powder for coloring. Could you order breadsticks?

There are literally two places where ordering pizza isn't incredibly depressing. The best place being City 'O City in downtown Denver. You have not lived until you have tried an apricot sauce vegatarian pizza (or you may have lived a normal life). The best part is that it is more than "Can I have that with white sauce?" (Seriously, screw Alfredo!) And I guarantee I won't get sick from cross-contamination like a little assassination attempt from my food to remind me it's in charge.

Mexican food would be next on the list of depressing foods. I never eat Mexican food unless I make it myself or I buy a giant burrito from Chipotle where the believe no tomatoes should be an option. Going to any actual Mexican restaurant goes as follows.

Step 1. Read every ingredient listed to find a dish that doesn't sound too tomatoey.

Step 2. Ask the waiter if the marinades, chilies and sauces have tomatoes in them. (I have been lucky before so you can stop that laughter at the snort that began it.)

Step 3. Get told everything is cooked on the same grill and yes tomatoes are involved.

Step 4. Give up and order a plain bean burrito

Step 5. Oh, I get a side. Uhm... That has tomatoes... So does that... And that. I'll have two sides of beans please.

Step 6. Eat beans while playing find the tortilla.

Step 7. Proceed with flatulence for the rest of the evening.

Now moving on, let's talk about diners. I love diner food. Diners however love potatoes. Everything and I mean everything comes with potatoes. Have you ever ordered a breakfast skillet at those places? They're good right? Now take away the potatoes and enjoy your onion and ham breath for the rest of the day. (Also you'll be hungry in two hours.) I'm not sure if it is just good business to fill everyone up on potatoes or just plain evil.

Now right next to diner food on my list is anything that comes with a side of French fries. I am always the customer that is like, "Can I trade the French fries for sweet potato fries? No? Onion rings? No? What other sides do you have? Yeah, I'll have fresh fruit."

Now that we've covered food from Europe and the Americas let's go to Asia, shall we? I absolutely love Asian food. The main reason being it is absolutely delicious. The second being they don't use tomatoes and potatoes as the basis for all their damn foods. I can go to a Chinese restaurant and I have so many options. Only like two things I can't eat. I don't know about you, but I can live without sweet and sour sauce. It is victory that I can eat food without dying afterwards. I will never not get excited when someone suggests Chinese, Japanese or Thai food.

Now if you think I'm bad wait until you get my entire family in a restaurant. Most of the time spent sitting there is just us asking the poor waiter about every ingredient they ever use. (We tip well though, so we acknowledge our pain-in-the-assery.)

Over Christmas break we decided to all try a Thai place. With all our collective allergies it was actually impressive how well we managed. Of course we did end up with one allergic reaction. (A Robinson family reunion escape trick fake an allergic reaction or an actual one works fine too.) My younger sister managed to order the perfect plate of death. It was a curry of some sort and my younger sister got one with green peppers, her one food allergy. (Seriously, you had one job.) As son as we figured that out the rest of the time was spent trying to pawn it off elsewhere. None of us could eat it to avoid making it go to waste. My mom and older sister couldn't do it because it had gluten. My younger sister's boyfriend couldn't eat it because it had peanuts. I couldn't eat it because the sauce was tomato based. And my dad was just being a picky eater because it had tofu. ("I'm not eating that whale flubber stuff." -An actual quote by my father.)

To be honest it is actually incredibly impressive everyone in my family is still alive and we haven't all just decided to replace our meals with futuristic capsule ones to avoid all the hassle of the "Will I die?" debate. It's not like we could do the gum from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. All that tomato soup. Okay, everyone but me could do it. I'll just sit over here and nibble on my gobstopper.