Without Men

Once again I find myself having to explain why I love a film a lot of people hate. Without Men starring Eva Longoria is one of my all time favorite films. Since it so happens to be one of my favorite films, as usual I have discovered that it is hated by the masses.

I love this movie for a lot of reasons. The main one being that it's just awesome. The main premise of the movie is that a small Latin American village is left stranded without any men when all of the men are drug off to fight in a war. That premise is what originally got me to watch the film and I have loved it ever since.

One of the things that hurt this film a lot was the way it was marketed. The poster for the film is arranged in such away that if you were to just see it at a movie theater you would automatically assume that it was a romantic comedy about a man hating woman who by the end of the film ends up with Christian Slater. That is so unbelievably not the case it's down right hilarious. The trailer didn't help either. The trailer doesn't make it appear to be a run of the mill romantic comedy like the poster, but oh boy is it bad. It starts by explaining the premise of the film then proceeds to show a series of the parts of the film that make the women in it seem stupid. Out of context it's just painful to watch and had I seen the trailer first I probably never would have watched the movie.

I find reviews for movies completely useless when it comes to picking things to watch. I never give even the slightest regard to any review whatsoever mostly because I never actually agree once I've seen the film. Sometimes for fun I do read them after I've seen the movie just to see what other people thought and that is usually where I hear that people freaking hate that movie I love. It happens a lot to me. In regards to Without Men I discovered that people freaking hated it.

The reporter's boss in the film is a total ball buster woman. In the opening scene we actually see her getting sexually serviced by a coworker while she's on the phone. The complaint I've heard is that no woman in real life would risk the lawsuits. Well, the film's not supposed to be a realistic slice of life. It's supposed to be over the top and in this particular case a point is being made. In like everything ever (well not everything, but a lot) the male boss sleeps with the females that work under him. The point in this film being that a woman is just as sexually charged as anyone with a penis. It's actually one of the main points of the film, that women want it as much as men and really aren't too different in such regards.

In one review I read, the guy who wrote it actually admitted he didn't finish watching it. That alone should make all comments he made void, but, you know, the internet. He stopped near the beginning when the women are first complaining about all the things they don't know how to do without men. I will admit, upon first watching the film, I did debate turning it off myself because it was a little bit painful how stupid and antifeminist the women characters are, but I'm glad I stuck it out. That scene is over exaggerated for the purpose of being melodramatic. Eva Longoria's character, Rosalba, is the only one who is appalled by the statements made. Just about every feminist woman I have ever met has had a moment when talking with other women that you hear something like this and you just want to pile drive your head through a wall.

The film starts off with the women being overly exaggerated as useless for a couple reasons. One being entertainment value and the main one being to make the character transformation a bit more prominent. It's an over the top comedy of manners so it's supposed to be exaggerated. The whole point of the film is that men and women really aren't that different even though at first you're not really sure where it is going.

Another thing I love about it is that it's one of the few films I've ever seen that really has fun with female sexuality and that's probably why it got it's R rating. With the lack if F-bombs and incredibly tame sex scenes it's could easily get away with a PG-13 rating and were it men making the same jokes it probably would have. It's so absurd and fun when it goes there yet still quite true you have two choices: sit there awkwardly or laugh (and I suppose you could also add laugh awkwardly). Men can be crude about things without question in films so it is really fun to see women doing the same thing and to not have it be in The Sex in the City just sleep with everyone fashion.

What I love most about this film is that it shows women don't need men, but they do still want them and that's okay. In the film, Father Rafael says, "Life was finally how God intended it to be. The mans on one side the womans on the other." And I love that the entire film works to rip that apart entirely.

It's a strange film and not everyone will appreciate it, but by no means deserves the 1.5 star rating it has on IMDB. It should be given a fair chance and if by the end of the film you still don't like it fair enough (but you're probably a bit stupid).

Cryptic Messages From My Past

My class notebooks are plastered from cover to cover with writing. Most people think it's because I'm either incredibly studious or I am using class time to pen that novel.  Both are acceptable answers (neither are correct).

The fact of the matter is that I am taking notes on the class and what we're supposed to be learning, but I'm also writing down every other thought that pops into my head as well. This works out fine for me because writing things down helps me to remember it, but if anyone ever wishes to read my notes it would be like trying to discuss physics in Wonderland. You get a few lines of how that science thing actually works before all of a sudden there is a giant caterpillar asking questions like, "The Square Crows Heros?" and all you can do is just move on and hope to God you can get out of there without losing your soul to the black gobliny thing doodled in the margin.

While my notebooks are useless for navigating my classes, they are useful in finding ideas for things. (I actually wrote an entire script for one of my classes in the margins once.) I can reread them and totally know what was going on in my mind at that time. Well, in most cases that is. There are sometimes when I am looking through them and I can't for the life of me figure out why I wrote "FROZEN TURKEY" or "3480 South Galena." Then like a month later I totally remember that it's because we were discussing Thanksgiving leftovers in class or that I was getting a friend directions.

I don't just leave these cryptic notes in my class notebooks either. I'll be on the phone with my mom and need to write something down. The next thing you know I not only have a pie recipe, but a friendly squirrel named Bunny to share it with as well as several questions on what the purpose of a cuticle is. Then later on I'll look at that same recipe on my bulletin board and stare at it for an hour as I try to figure out what, "Ninja Bitch!" has to do with anything.

The amazing thing is, I actually forget that it's weird until the guy I sit next to in public speaking class who wasn't there last class asks if he can copy my notes. I always say, "yeah, sure thing," and open to the page. Then two things happen: 1) he can't read my handwriting for shit and 2) the only part he can read is my philosophical thoughts on Wheat Thins.

I thoroughly suspect that one day in the future, if I put together all the tidbits of my notes I can't figure out how they relate, I will have elaborate instructions on how to get to a magical unexplored land called my subconscious.

A Bizarre Consensus

Somehow without my knowledge a good deal of women have come to the consensus that I am at an entire loss on how to attract men. While this fact is very untrue, the most entertaining part of it all is how little I actually care to attract men. (And I get hit on by creepy old men, foreign guys, and highly antisocial nerdy guys just like the rest of you people thankyouverymuch!)

It is expected for my mother to give me the obligatory "get your hair out of your eyes" or "dress like a girl for once." I even expect them from my various family members during almost any conversation that I somehow ended up the topic of choice. But it's the people that I'm not related to and don't know all that well that baffle me entirely.

I like having conversations with people, so I'll talk to just about anyone (for awhile at least before running, hiding, or faking my own death). Most of the time they have some interesting stuff to say, but somehow above all other conversations I end up with them giving me fashion advice on how to make it so the boys won't stay away when I talk to women.

Awhile I ago I was back home visiting my family and I spent a day at work with my mom. Since it's a library, it's a lot of sitting around reading or doing useless stuff on the internet. About four hours into this though I get bored and start helping out with things like shelving books, or finding the movies to put in the cases, or most often spinning a lot in the desk chair.

One such occasion as I was inspecting the contents of the desk drawer looking for mints or Altoids or candy of some sort (no I was not ten in this story in case you were wondering), my Mom's boss's wife came up and started chatting with me. Conversation ensued of the "wow your all grown up" variety and quickly transitioned to the "do you have a boyfriend" one. When I gave my standard scoff and "no" reply (I can't help the scoff. It's an uncontrollable compulsion caused by amusement when asked this question), she immediately leapt into how doing something with my hair and wearing a skirt (or something like that) would make it impossible for the boys to stay away.

Why I find the entire conversation amusing what I find the most ridiculous is 1) that when she leapt into the tirade it became quite obvious the sole purpose of the conversation was to give me her fashion advice and 2) how she completely refused to accept my loose "I'm not really worried about it" as an answer and just brushed right by my more solid "Yeah, I'm not too worried about impressing boys" like all I had done was sneezed.

It was quite spectacular how she could not take a hint actually. Now my family is oblivious I expect that. I even expect other people to be it a fair deal of the time. But what I will never understand is why and how people have come to their conclusions that 1) all I care about is impressing boys and 2) that I give half a hoot about how they say I can do so.

It's not just older women who do it either. I've had people my own age give me these same lectures. It's like some bizarre compulsion women have. It's like they see me looking comfortable and enjoying the feeling in my feet and they can't help but exclaim "A comfortable woman! This must be stopped! What treachery is this!"

Complete strangers have never given me the lecture, but those few acquaintances I know through the grape vine, seem to be very interested in telling me how to look better. Of course they can't emphasize the look better part without sounding rude, so they give me the very week excuse of how it will make boys fall all over me. Had they known me at all, they'd know such a tactic would only lead to my spending the rest of the conversation configuring escape routes and the proper way to fake my death.

Lost and Stubbornly Found

A very well known fact is that I am incredibly stubborn. Another very well known fact is that I lose stuff a lot. A less known fact is that I'm actually really good at finding the things I've lost. My stubbornness would be the cause of my finding the things.

In the past three days I have lost three things: my debit card, my keys, and my phone.

My Debit Card
I lost the debit card while visiting my older sister in Fort Collins and as a result had to go downtown to get a replacement. I didn't find the debit card. Mostly because I didn't care that much (it expired in two months so..). I did however have one hell of a time finding the bank.

Unlike every other bank in the area mine had to be located inside a freaking hotel! (The perks of Denver, Ladies and Gentlemen.) I walked around the block like four times looking at the map on my phone trying to figure out where the hell the bleeding thing was. (If you didn't already guess I hadn't been to this particular location before.) Eventually I did find it after about twenty minutes of endless confusion and wandering about looking like a very confused and lost person.

My Keys
I haven't found my keys yet, but I haven't looked and I know they are somewhere in my apartment.

This morning as I was leaving for class, I grabbed my main key set and had it in my hand. By the time I got out the door with my bicycle they were no longer in my hand. I have no memory of putting them down, but obviously I did. (Either that or my arch enemies the gnomes put a vanishing spell on them.) Not having time to worry about it, I just walked back inside and grabbed my spare. I have no idea what the hell happened to them (but it is very likely I will be traveling to someone's front yard and roughing up a garden gnome to find out).

My Phone
Speaking of front yards that's sort of where I found my phone. As I  biked my sorry ass home today, I had to wait at a stop light for like ten minutes because it decided that it no longer liked working and cops were trying to figure out how to direct traffic. I noted that I got a text 'cause I herd and felt it, but didn't check it because I had the very spectacular luck of being able to go at that moment.

I was all in a good mood thinking about how I  was going to flop on my sofa when I got home and was listening to A Bad Night For A Hero (a brilliant local band everyone should check out). Of course this happy moment quickly collided with a brick wall. My phone wasn't in my pocket when I pulled up to my apartment building and the dropping of f-bombs under my breath began.

I took my crap up to my flat and walked back to the light where I got my text looking all the way and asked two cops, an electrician, and two people waiting for the bus if they'd seen it. Their answer "nope, that sucks. I'll keep my eye out." So I then started walking back looking as I went. At one point I heard what sounded like the Pikachu noise which is my email ring tone so I froze and looked around. I then decided it was just the kids across the street and I was crazy.

When I got back to my flat, I grabbed my bike and rode back along that path looking and decided to go back to school thinking that maybe I was crazy and didn't have it at the stop light. Still didn't find it and more muttered f-bombs occurred.

After asking all of the five people who happened to be inhabiting the film school, I remembered Google invented this thing that can tell you where the hell your phone is with an accuracy up to seven yards. Sure enough it was right where I heard the Pikachu noise. I fled the computer lab and biked my ass off to get back to that area and started searching the bushes.

I was about to give up when I heard the low battery noise of my phone. Still couldn't find the damn thing and assumed I had gone crazy and someone was just locking their car.

Just as I was I was walking to knock on a house to ask if they could call it, I saw it sitting on the other side of the fence on someone's front steps. The phone didn't just fall out of my pocket it flew to a new home.

After two hours of searching,, I found it with three percent battery life sitting happily mocking me in it's bright pink case. (Just to be fair, I do wear glasses and it was getting dark, so I do have a properly  paper thin excuse at my disposal.)

Conclusion
So there you have it. I am a very mindless dumbass, but it's okay because I can stubbornly save my dumb ass after such dumbassery.

P.S.
While writing this blog I got up to pee. When I came back I found my missing keys sitting right next to where I was sitting on my sofa. Right on top of my stack of nerd books. (I should maybe get my eyes checked.)

Digital Adventure

Yes, I Am A Woman

There is one thing I find really absurd. Well, actually, I find lots of things absurd, but this is one of the things I feel like ranting about at the moment. It's hilarious when people get surprised that I like something. No one bats an eyelash when I tell them that I love Star Wars, Spiderman, and Xena (although, someone which hasn't seen the show once told me it was appalling that I liked it), but as soon as I wear heels, have a pink phone, or get caught watching a Disney movie marathon, the what bet did you lose jokes start.

It makes sense that no one is surprised at my standard guy nerd interests because to be fair I am likely wearing a T-shirt that states the fact. But what I don't get is why people are so surprised when I like "chick" things. Contrary to popular belief I am a woman. (Please hold off all gasp spasms until the end.)

I like fashion to some extent. (Hold it.) I'm not talking the runway bologna, but actual clothes that people wear. The way style changes over time just fascinates me as well as why a person chooses the clothes they do. Believe it or not I can actually help you pick out a nice outfit (if need be just hold your breath). I just don't want one for myself. I'll be the comfortable one over here thanks. Nothing compares to the wide-eyed looks of "did that just happen?" when I comment on how much I love that one character's dress. The shiney black dress in Shock Treatment made me all giddy. (Seriously, you're going to pass out of hyperventilation if you don't wait.)

I say I love the show Pretty Little Liars and some people's heads just up and explode. When I tell them I love the outfits the characters are wearing I have lost them entirely. They end up like the on ship computer when Arthur Dent tried to explain tea to it. It may have been easier to explain rocket science in a few of these cases.

When I say I love Disney movies it somehow manages to be the most baffling thing in the world to people despite it being something everyone loves. (If you say you don't love at least one you are a liar!) My theory is that this stems from my hatred of being called a princess that arrose from a very unique form of child rearing in which you drown your child in a subject until they hate it. In this case it would be called Princess Smoothing. I do love fairy tales, but hell will have to freeze over, explode like a Michael Bay movie, and then reassemble like a Dragonball Z villain before I will ever want to be a princess. (Though, if someone wanting to give me Amazon princesshood or a chakrum...)

Moving on, I am a big fan of the novel Pride and Prejudice. The fact people are surprised by this has to be one of the most baffling things to me. It's a famous example of early feminism. Come on people. That ass is not supposed to be a hat. I actually know very few people who have read the book (no the version with zombies doesn't count). But I say I like it and I get that same look as if I just declared I was a one eyed purple unicorn named Frank. The movie Lost in Austen (which is a must see for all fans of Pride and Prejudice) is one of my favorite things ever because it runs amuck with the story in the most hilariously respectful way. When I mentioned this fact to my older sister, the thing she said is, "it's funny how you'll get into such girly movies."

I know this may be hard for the world to understand, but I am a woman. (Alright, go ahead and gasp spasm already. You're turning purple anyways.) Can you people not see that I have boobs? I know the comfy clothing may abstruct your view a bit, but they are there I promise. I can like princesses without wanting to be one. I can read "girly" novels (except Twilight! Shoot me if I ever read Twilight!) I can even like dresses and still not want to wear one ever. (Sorry mom it's not happening.)

I find people's reactions so ridiculous when they find these things out. It's like I just told them Santa Claus isn't real and they didn't get the build up as a small child where they already sorta had it figured out. To be honest I could probably say the one eyed purple unicorn thing and get less weird looks than I do when I say, "damn, I love that dress!" (My actual statement upon seeing the black dress in Shock Treatment.)

More Accepted?

This is just something that has been bothering me lately. Everyone is always telling me that being a gay chick is more accepted than being a gay guy. To which I loudly declare, "Bullshit!" And go on a ten minute rant.

The truth is that it's not more accepted. Sure you do hear people bitching about two guys kissing more than two women doing so, but that is because the two guys kissing is taken seriously.

People only get upset when they think that something is a threat. Two guys kissing equals threat. Two women kissing equals entertainment. You have to admit there is a good deal of thought process behind women kissing that goes along the lines of, "they're doing it to impress guys." That thought process does not exist when it comes to two guys kissing. They're not doing it to impress girls they are just gay.

Let's look at media. Despite the fact that a shit ton of LGBT media is incredibly depressing (a rant for another time) there is always more graphic sex scenes in the movies about two women. Exhibit A: Brokeback Mountain vs. Black Swan. Both won Oscars and to be fair they aren't really the same thing, but think about it. Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman together was a far more graphic sex scene than Jake Gillenhall and Heath Ledger. In films about gay guys, the sex bit is danced around whereas just about any film ever with two woman it is played up as much as possible.

Another thing you will notice is that in films about gay men, they don't pull the whole well actually he's bi thing. I have read and seen a few to many books, movies, and TV shows where they pull that card to create drama or they pull the whole it was just a phase thing. Sure sexuality can be pretty fluid, but dear God, it's the same for men. Can we please stop seeing this plot twist or show at least one show in which that "gay" guy somehow falls for the chick. Please?

Then there is the one thing that bothers me just in general. Will and Grace. (Gasp Spasm!) I know I just blasphemed over the entire world of the gay best friend obsessed, but come on. I've seen episodes of Will and Grace, so I'm not just spouting from ignorance here and I will admit some of the jokes are fabulous. They just make them to much and if I watch more than an episode at a time I get monumentally annoyed. I actually did a little math. (Yes I'm a nerd. Moving on.)

After watching a few shows, I came to an average of about seven gay jokes per episode. In a television show that averages 22 minutes once you cut out commercials that leaves you with a gay joke every 3 minutes-ish. (If you want to get down to the second do the math yourself.) I don't know about you, but my sexuality is talked about not often actually. I do other stuff in my day to day life besides just be gay or do things gayly. (Gasp Spasm!)

Yes it does come up so I don't expect it to never be mentioned, but dear lord every three minutes is a bit much. There are about three television shows I can think of where these people (yes normal average people) actually act like they are normal average people. Pretty Little Liars, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and Lost Girl. (I especially love Lost Girl for the fact that they don't label any of the sexuality stuff. It's just this dude has a husband and this chick has a girlfriend. Moving on.)

While other shows have gay characters they spend a bit too much time talking about being gay. Greek (which has great dialog and humor for the most part, but a shoddy plot) actually has a character that pretty much just complains about the fact that when you're gay all anyone talks about is your being gay. While I get your point, shut up already! You're not helping the cause!

Every single plot point for that character, of course, revolves around his being gay. The other more hetero characters have plot points about well stuff like failing classes, partying to much, or even the obligatory pissing off of the parents. Not the gay guy though he just gets to struggle with the ins and out of being gay. Like having a crush on your roommate or loving musicals and decorating, but not being able to admit it. (The true challenge of all gay men, apparently.)

Into that same show there is a plot point where a chick declares she's a lesbian and goes on the "obligatory" college lesbian fling, but then decides she was wrong. She's not gay. While I get annoyed with the way the gay guy was portrayed, the gay chick thing was far more obnoxious. The gay guy character was a gay guy. The gay chick character was a three episode story arch in which she was just going through a phase.

So, that would be my rant for this evening brought on by an abundance of free time due to illness and watching feminist documentaries in that free time.