Running Gag

I realized something. I am the running gag in movies, TV shows, etc. I am the cabbage merchant, Seamus Finnigan, and the fat guy with the ice cream cone.

The reason I no longer attend Hogwarts.

1. When minding my own business, I am often the kid who gets hit with stray projectiles.

About a week ago while playing old racing games at an arcade, a giant squishy sticky ball from the prize booth came flying out of nowhere bounced off the screen and pegged me in the face before settling nicely on the game's dashboard.

Many times during high school lunch hours, I'd be doing my own thing and the apples, pencils, milk cartons (that is if I wasn't the one launching it), soda streams, and flailing limbs would manage to hit me. One time I got pegged in the throat by a kid's elbow and spent the rest of the day walking around with an ice pack and sounding like a boy going through puberty.

When the kids on the bus were throwing an unwrapped condum around, I got pegged with it (thank god it was clean). Same goes for the paper balls, wet maxi pads (just water), panty hose, and whatever the hell else middle-schoolers and freshmen found hilarious to throw.

Gym class alone could be classified as an excuse for my face to come into contact with solid objects. (Often thrown by the same damn person.)


2. I have been lit on fire multiple times.

At a 4th of July celebration in Newcastle, Wyoming when I was like six, a firework landed on my foot catching my shoe on fire. The old guy next to me kindly stamped it out. I wasn't burned at the extent of some old guy trampling my foot!

The other two times aren't as exciting. Got close to a candle burning my hair and caught the oven mitt on fire by tapping the ceiling of the oven. Also I have a serious issue of dropping hot pads into the oven and catching them on fire.


3. Pants do not believe that they belong on my body.

Why I don't play mini-golf.

They are often ripping in spectacularly obliteratory ways. Usually: when I'm in public or with small groups of people I don't know very well.


4. My birthday is often complete and total insanity.

With breaking my nose, rolling my car, or just the rainfall in my bathroom, I should probably just stop with having them.

In fact since the original outbreaks of these events on my birthday these things just keep happening. Except the rolling the car. That only happened once. (I tried to find a picture of a rolled Subaru Outback. Such a thing doesn't exist.) Making my nose, raining bathroom, and birthdays running jokes in and of themselves.


5. I am always the one that gets hurt, but rarely when I should be.

If I'm getting injured there's a 95% chance that I am doing something that should be exceedingly simple and not detrimental to my health. If I'm not getting hurt, there's a 65% chance I'm doing something that should be detrimental to health.

Just basic good old fashioned fun.

A death wish. (The dress part is a death wish for whoever tried to get me to put it on.)

Without a doubt I am the running joke. That person in the background who has unfortunate things happen to them. Unfortunately I'm not one of the less painful running jokes like the talking zebra that calls Candace Kevin, the floating baby head, or heck I might even take the guy with the cheese.

I wear the cheese. It does not wear me.