Ah, Gay Television

I as a gay person, I know my fair share of queer media and have come to the conclusion that it can be categorized into a few basic categories. (Warning: There are spoilers ahead.)

Straight Shows Being Inclusive

This category usually occurs within television shows. They designate an episode or two where they throw in some gay people. This way they can make some gay jokes and show how supportive the straight characters on the show are. Sometimes this is done really well and we get some great episodes of television like in the episode "We Will Rock You" from That '70s Show.

.

This was a bitch to find. Googling "Gay" and "That '70s Show" just leads to Laura Prepon.

We not only got respectable gay jokes, but we also got a Brady Bunch joke to make everyone happy.

Other times we get episodes not so great like that episode in the last season of Scrubs where Turk's patient is a lesbian. The episode sucked for many other reasons (mostly being that the last season just sucked), but a half hour of Turk being unable to talk to them like actual people was pretty much torture. There might actually be a circle of hell where watching that episode for all eternity if the punishment.

My personal favorite examples of this are the straight main character gets hit on by a gay person. The hilarity of a slightly homophobic (but not the offensive slur slinging type) occurs before they have a discussion with the gay person about how they're flattered, but not interested and they'll still be friends.

Remember this episode.

Then that character is never mentioned again and everyone just pretends that that never happened.

By all means kudos to any show that wants to throw in some gay characters regardless if it's only for an episode. Representation is a great thing, but it gets really frustrating when you are trying to find a show to binge watch where you feel represented. Of course you could just watch every episode of every show with gay themes in a row, but this possibly leads to insanity.

The Ratings Booster

These are the episodes that generally appear around the time when a series is starting to dwindle. (That's not always the case, but it happens often.) What do producers do when they want to make people watch? They throw in a lesbian kiss of course. The most notable example of this would be Heroes.

Seriously, the hell was this?

 I enjoyed Heroes (well as much as anyone did), but the plot point of the lesbian roommate both went nowhere and was slightly creepy. It was there to add unnecessary drama and everyone really would've been better off without it. Either that or they should have actually done something with it. I don't know about you, but I feel like murdered roommates, a chick with superhuman regeneration, and everything to do with the carnival was enough convoluted drama for everyone. (And that's just the Hayden Panettiere story lines)

Another notable episode would be in the Friends episode "The One With Rachel's Big Kiss." This is a much better episode than the one mentioned above. Far be it from me to complain about a kiss between Jennifer Aniston and Winona Ryder, but that episode sort of has a really depressing ending sandwiched between two kisses so we forget all about it.

Yay! Big Lesbian Kiss!

Slightly depressing yet still kind of funny moment trying to act nonchalant like she didn't just confess her love.

Yay! Lesbian kiss!

There like a million and four other episodes of television with big gay kisses sandwiched in there just for the sake of it. Some don't even have as much plot around it as Heroes managed to muster. Sometimes there is no reason for the kiss. It's literally just there because. (*Cough* Crossing Jordan *Cough*)

The Depressing True Story

Let's step away from television for a moment and take a look at all those movies based off of true stories. There are a lot of them and just about every True Story about a gay person is guaranteed to depress the hell out of you. If someone doesn't die or at least contemplate suicide at some point then I can almost guarantee that you are not watching a true story about a gay person. There are good legitimate reasons for this, those mostly being that the true stories they are based off of involve actual hate crimes. I definitely get the need to tell those stories and I will be the first to admit that movies like Milk and Boys Don't Cry are amazing, but is it to much to ask for a true story film about an LGBT person that wasn't brutally murdered?

Let's start with a film on Jackie "Moms" Mabley, one of the first female trailblazers in comedy. Comedy and Drama! It would be wonderful!

Hollywood, you have your next assignment.

The Questionable Material

These are the movies and television shows we watch because we hear that it's about gay people and then proceed to have a love hate relationship with it that rivals a Buffy/Faith storyline. The most notable one I can think of would be the lesbian series The L Word. Here are the stages of watching The L Word.

     Stage 1. This isn't so bad.
     Stage 2. Jesus Christ! Why is everything so dramatic?
     Stage 3. I'm done. Not watching anymore.
     Stage 4. Eh, might as well finish it so everyone will leave me alone about it.
     Stage 5. Bawling eyes out.
     Stage 6. Was Jenny always this annoying?
     Stage 7. God, I love the hell out of Alice
     Stage 8. What the fuck was that story line?
     Stage 9. Why am I still watching this?
     Stage 10. That was actually a really well done episode
     Stage 11. Will no one put Jenny out of our misery.
     Stage 12. Lucy Lawless! Cue more excitement than all previous seasons combined.
     Stage 13. I would've killed Jenny if you hadn't?
     Stage 14. Well that was the cheesiest ending ever.
     Stage 15. I am never getting those hours of my life back.
     Stage 16. At least all my friends will leave me alone about it now.

This series is beyond questionable. Had it not been for the fact that we craved any sort of representation on television I have a feeling this series would have died right around the time we were listening to Alice bawl about Dana over the radio. But boobs are a powerful force, so the series went on and we got some really amazing episodes from it. Unfortunately they were hidden amongst Jenny Schecter being obnoxious enough that everyone wanted to murder her in a swimming pool and various other plot points that were just plain painful. It's a show that every lesbian is supposed to love, but mostly we just pretend most of it never happened.

Truth.

The Terribly Dramatic

I don't know what it is about gay media, but damn it is dramatic. There is about a 70% chance that the LGBT character you have just grown to love will die. I get that we want the audience to feel, but can we please kill someone else for a change. There are straight people to spare. Please shoot them. (Preferably not in reality. No heterophobic violence please.)

I feel that there are a few underlying factors as to why in every piece of pop culture we are the go to person to kill. The first one would stem from the days of lesbian pulp fiction where the only way to keep it from being labeled as porn was for it to have a moral message, so at the end they would either die or turn straight. Our society still hasn't gotten used to not writing that ending, so it's dead lesbians as far as the eye can see. The second one would probably be that writers in general are pretty dramatic. I know I'm dramatic as all hell. The mere mention of pizza, puts me in a melodramatic state of bitch and moan.

Tomatoes are evil! Just sayin'.

When you combine those two factors the default reaction when you ask yourself who should I kill? You go straight for the jugular with the significant other of the main gay character, if not that character them self.  It took me a year to figure out which one of my characters I should kill off in order to destroy everyone's hopes and dreams, without making it the gay person. (Writers really are kind of terrible people.) 

The writer decides that more tears are needed, so he decides to kill someone. He contemplates it for a bit and the next thing you know we're watching Tara get shot and Willow turns evil. Whedon deserves extra credit for covering those two core stereotypes of lesbian pop culture back to back. The one thing I will give Buffy The Vampire Slayer credit for is that everyone's significant other dies at some point in this show not just the lesbian's.

The same can't be said for Pretty Little Liars however. When the series killed off Maya, I was so pissed I was actually on my feet yelling at the television. It's not so much that they killed her off, it's the fact that every single one of the straight main characters gets an incredibly romantic and adorable scene with their boyfriends. Then they're all walking home and what romantic gesture does the gay character get? "Uhm, someone murdered your girlfriend in your backyard." Then the next season, "Oh, yeah, and before I forget, that guy you hang with, killed your girlfriend and is about to kill your new one." (Cue maniacal laughter from writing staff.) Unlike Buffy, the writers get no kudos since all the important people everyone who is straight dates always remain alive. (Also just a passing observation, but every black character that has been on the show is now dead.)

BONUS EXAMPLE
For an example that doesn't involve people dieing and that I just find to be endlessly entertaining. Grey's Anatomy. The show actually made a complex and healthy lesbian relationship and didn't mess it up with stupid crap. In order to do that they were relying on all the drama of everyone else on the show, but the writers managed to work out  most of the relationship drama they had created leaving all the characters relatively happy. So, what do they do? They crash the mother fucking plane! Yes, people died and it was sad and they made you believe for almost an entire episode that they killed off the lesbian (and we all believed it because that's what we expect). The writers actually made a couple so perfect that it took a plain crash, the death of two close friends, and a lost limb to give them serious relationship problems. That is is just the most beautiful example of over dramatic writing I have ever seen.

Just, seriously writers? A plane crash?

The God Damn GBF

Everyone is familiar with the concept of the GBF. The Gay Best Friend. The ultimate status symbol of a straight person that needs to prove how awesome and open minded she is. This concept makes me want to curl into a hole and die just a little bit. Partially because I spent part of high school as the new and improved Best Friend: Lesbian Model, but mostly because it is just plain annoying.

One show we can really thank for this is Will & Grace. Don't get me wrong I like Will & Grace. Mostly in small amounts spread months apart, but it's not really a bad show. It just plays up the gay jokes, so much I wan't to punch my TV. (The show averages at about seven gay jokes an episode. That's one every four minutes if you count commercials.) The jokes just get old so quickly. Seriously, how many times can you reference flannel?

It should be noted that I own no flannel, but my straight sisters do.

Will & Grace is great because of all the representation it's got going. It's not so great in the fact that it runs off gay jokes and stereotypes (there is also alcohol).


The concept of the gay best friend is everywhere. Hell, the beginning season of Glee, which now has a more diverse cast of characters than my entire home county had Kurt start off as a pretty stereotypical gay best friend type character then sprinkled in the complexity later.

The GBF at it's finest.

My guy friends that happen to be gay do enjoy musical theater. My guy friends who are straight also enjoy musical theater. (Okay, I met them all doing musical theater.) However one of those friends is a dedicated science fiction nerd and the other is into cars. The science fiction guy's a bit into clothes, but is far more content wearing a snappy catchphrase t-shirt than a sweater vest and tie (what is with that by the way?)

Now what the world needs is a television series with the best friend who happens to be gay, loves musical theater and is a big fan of something entirely random and not typically associated with sexual orientation. How come television characters never have more than one interest?

Everything We Love

There is a fair amount of LGBT movies and shows out there, you just have dig through them all to find the gems you love. It's hectic, painful, and really dramatic, but eventually you will find something to watch. However if you never do find something to watch then help to create it because damn it I can only cry so many times over the dead girlfriends of fictional characters.

The Thermostat War

I have convinced myself that my younger sister is a bug person from outer space. Now, now, don't start calling me crazy until after you hear the theory and take into account that I have been watching a lot of sci-fi lately.

Our apartment constantly suffers from being too freaking hot. However, no one agrees with me. I am aware that I am still fresh out of the car from Colorado, but Christ people they invented AC for a reason. On any given day I will find myself hot and sweating while sitting in my bedroom which is arguably the coldest room in the apartment. That's when I go to sneak a look at the thermostat.

Here's the thing about the thermostat. My sister polices it like her life depends on it. On any given day, we'll all be chilling in the living room and my sister will just passingly mention that she is cold. That's when I start cursing because there is a 95% chance that the thermostat is already set to eighty degrees and all hope of my survival has been tossed out the window like a the contents of a chamber pot. It's like an episode of Farscape up in here. I'm the Peace Keeper trying not to die from being over heated, while my sister is the space bug that doesn't understand that heat is not my ideal habitat.

My sister in this story.

Every time I get caught messing with the thermostat, I get chastised. In retaliation, have made it my personal duty to make sure that it never makes it above 80 degrees for an extended period of time. Every time I walk by the thermostat and no one is paying attention to me, I check to make sure that it is set to a temperature humans appreciate. This usually means turning it down from 90 at least once every two days. I know I now live in Florida, but come on people. The reason we don't go outside is because it's too damn hot. Can we at least make sure that's not also the case inside?

Its gets a bit absurd adjusting the thermostat every few hours, but my well being is at stake here. I am a sweaty enough person without adding in extra reasons why. Deodorant can only do so much people. My sister's boyfriend may not complain, but since he's a dude he gets to strip down to his boxers and chill on the couch. I on the other hand get the, "Avert your eyes!" reaction when I decide to hang out in my knickers and bra. I as of right now am challenging the bug people I live with to end this war. You keep the thermostat at a reasonably temp and I will avoid romping around in my underwear for extended periods of time. Sound fair?

Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

I will not survive the zombie apocalypse. That's right I said it. I fully admit to my inability to live through the inevitability of zombies eating us all. No one ever wants to admit that they will die the painful death of zombie food. Even I, proclaimer of my own demise, still have a plan to keep myself out of the zombie snack box. That being said, I will die because of reasons completely unrelated to the ones that will kill those of you who are terrified of spiders and have no idea how guns work.
 
POSSIBLE DEATH ONE (Except this one. This might be how some of you will die.)

The most likely cause of my demise will simply be that I'll have no idea that zombie meal time is going on outside, until one of my roommates comes in and eats my face.

Since, I don't have cable television in my apartment, the only way I keep track of what goes on in the world is over the internet and most of the time anything not having to do with pop culture gets skimmed over for more exciting things like "The Top Ten Guest Roles Of George Takei." (Not sure if that's actually an article, but probably.) So I will scan right over the one titled, "Zombies Have Captured Orlando" assuming it is some stupid publicity stunt and continue on with binge watching Star Trek on Netflix.

Me only moments before my zombie sister eats me.

Now to all you people like, "Won't the power go out at some point?" And to that you are absolutely correct and I still won't notice. I am in fact half mole so I have managed to not notice that the power was out for hours on end. I never turn on lights, and even if I did, I don't have any light source other than the window in my bedroom. (I actually kind of need to remedy that.) With my current living arrangements, I will just be sitting in my room on my computer or reading and will only notice that the power has gone out when I either get up for food and open the fridge or try to plug something in to charge. And in that case I will just assume that it will come back on in a little while and will resume reading by flashlight with my tasty snack. I could go on like this for days without thinking much of it.

There are only few things that will keep me from being the unaware hermit in my cave.

Option 1. I finally decide that I need electricity and get off my ass to go talk to the leasing office in which case I'll be immediately eaten by my super (or whichever one of my neighbors decides I look tasty).  This will take about 1-3 days depending on how much food I have that is actually dependent on the fridge.

Option 2. One of my roommates, the one that is not my sister, will insist we all go the park (because he's basically a puppy with human levels of  hygiene). We'll put on pants and bras (on some occasions he might put on a bra as well) and we'll step outside and then get eaten while we're waiting for him to unlock the car.

Option 3. It will start raining, and my sister will step outside to prevent her bamboo from being rained to death (that is actually a thing when you leave plants on the balcony). Then notice that there are a bunch of dead guys shambling around the neighborhood. This is our most likely chance of survival. But that will only last until the zombies realize there are snacks inside and climb in from out neighbors balcony to eat us.


POSSIBLE DEATH TWO

Assuming my sister's bamboo has saved us from being eaten by our neighbors and we manage to barricade ourselves inside long enough, there will be the problem of food. Once, we eat through the last of our ramen, rice, and canned beans we will have to brave the outside world for food. This will be about a week into the zombie apocalypse (We eat a lot and just don't have food). Our weapons will be a historically accurate tomahawk I own from reenacting, a couple decoration swords my sister's boyfriend owns, a couple wooden practice swords that I own, and possible a hatchet for splitting wood. In other words, we will make it to the car by the sheer luck of a Walking Dead character. Let's just hope the real zombie apocalypse specializes in television suspense.

Luckiest bastard ever!

Assuming we make it to the car and from there make it inside the grocery store. The next challenge is finding the foods that aren't expired, we're not allergic to, and haven't already been looted. In order to avoid being eaten by a zombie while reading ingredients (seriously it takes like two hours to grocery shop), we'll have to just take everything that is left (probably not much) and pack it into our car.

Then when we get it back into our apartment and again by Walking Dead luck make it back inside with all our food, I guarantee my roommates will have twice as much if not more food than I will. They'll have cans of lots of things that have tomatoes in them. Then they'll have lots of things that have potatoes in them. Heck they may even have real potatoes because those things last forever. While they are all eating canned chili, I will be eating the last of the cat food and will starve to death in the corner of our apartment ashamed that I even bothered eating the cat to survive. (I actually probably wouldn't eat the cat. She'd probably eat me though.)

Yeah, probably...

POSSIBLE DEATH THREE

The next possible way I will die is that somehow while we're all surviving the zombies I'll manage to get stung by a bee. Since there are no hospitals and zombies prevent us from getting anywhere I'll just die of a bee sting. Just 'cause other things are trying to kill us the normal things won't stop trying as well.

Muahahahahaha!

POSSIBLE DEATH FOUR

Assuming we've survived long enough to get out of our apartment and find some guns. I'll actually be able to shoot one well. (Yay! Crazy backwoods middle of nowhere families!) At this point I'll be super impressed at my zombie movie survival rate. By now I should definitely have been caught up eating people, but who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth. Then the next thing to kill me will be my clumsiness. We'll be running from the zombie hoard and will even be way ahead of them. That's when we're running up that hill to get away I trip, or slip, or just plain suddenly decide basic motor functions aren't for me and before you know it I'm tumbling down the hill headed to be dinner for my future friends.

Says my body to myself.

So without further ado, I apologize in advance to all you future zombies that I eat. Hopefully my jacked up jaw will give you a better chance of survival and I'll just drool zombie juices without actually breaking the skin.

Can I See Your ID?

Lady's and Gentlemen, I have baby face. I always forget that I have baby face until I try to be an adult then suddenly the world reminds me that I look pretty much like I'm fifteen. When I tell people this I hope at least one people will be like "Nah, Dude, you look at least eighteen." Sadly 'tis never the case. Instead what I get is, "You totally do." Sometimes this is a nod of agreement that someone has obviously noticed before, but never mentioned and other times it is a sudden realization all How I Met Your Mother style with glass shattering.

My sister however is the loud chewer.

Like every other child, I managed to make it through middle school with people generally aware what my age was. (This may also be because I never met anyone new in the time period and thus never had the baby face discussion.) Then I started high school and I was good for a couple years. Then suddenly everybody thought I was twelve for the next two.

THE AGE OF SIXTEEN

The summer after my sophomore year of high school was the year when I was 16 and the year that everyone thought I was 12. That was the year I learned all about the hardships of baby face. (It's a serious condition people.) It started when a friend of mine and her family were staying in a hotel in our hometown because they were in the process of moving to Germany and the crazy relatives invading my house made it uninhabitable. (There is way more to that store, but some other time perhaps.) Anyways my older sister, my friend, a friend of my sister, and me were all hanging out in the hotel lobby. Just talking about, to be honest, really boring things in between the flirting of my friend with my sister's friend. Then at some point however we ended up talking about how he's a writer and he writes these deep things. He of course asked if we wanted to read some of it. He pulled out his phone and passed it around showing his writing to my sister and my friend. Then when it got to me he was like, "Well, my writing's a little mature, I don't know if it's really appropriate for you."

Uhm what? I was sixteen at the time and went to high school with his sister who was literally only a few months older. I didn't even get to answer with a "How old do you think I am?" Because my older sister chimed in with the answer of how I was a mature teenage person not in fact a little kid tag along. Which allowed me to read the thing on his phone (I think it involved a reference to sex or something. I don't remember.), but really just made me seem much more like a little kid tag along trying to hang with the big kids. Also I didn't contribute a whole lot to the conversation before that either because A) I'm not a talker and B) It mostly existed for the sole purpose of my friend and him flirting.

Moral To The Story: Next time stay in the room and watch cartoons with friend's six year old sister.

THE AGE OF SEVENTEEN

When I was seventeen I had mostly forgotten about my baby face's existence because again I never met anyone new often enough for it to come up and I had at least one friend who was shorter and had more of a baby face. It had completely slipped my mind that people outside this bubble thought I was twelve until, I took a road trip down to Texas with my younger sister and mom for my grandmother's funeral. When we were at her wake (which in a way only my family could do was held at a podunk cowboy church) I was standing around nibbling at cheese cubes and a friend of my grandmother came over to say hello. And then she proceeded to inform me of what a beautiful girl I was and how all I needed to do was get my hair out of my eyes, maybe wear some more color and boys would be all over me. Again I was at a wake.

I was smiling politely when my mom came up. My grandmother's friend after introducing herself, continued the topic of the length of my bangs with my mother. (I had been having this same argument, debate, and on one occasion a half step away from being hogtied in the bathroom while my mother cut them for three years.) When my mother mentioned I was in high school somewhere in this conversation. That surprised the lady immensely and she turned to me and asked my age. To which I replied, "seventeen," in the most duh voice a teenager could possibly muster. To which the lady replied, "Oh, I thought you were twelve." From then on the discussion of my bangs ceased for the rest of the wake. 

Moral To The Story: Wearing black and having bangs covering your eyes at age 12 = I can make you into a lady one day. Wearing black and bangs covering your eyes at age 17 = Oh, nevermind. How about these cheese cubes huh?

AGE OF EIGHTEEN

Turning eighteen was really the most maddening part of  having a baby face because I wanted to go do things and be out in the world. Of course all my friends were underage so that never happened, but whatever. The saddest part though was just how udderly ridiculous it is being the oldest one yet the one only one who gets asked for ID.

One time I was with my aunt and younger sister bumming around target and I came across a five dollar copy of V for Vendetta, so I was all 'I'm going to buy this." Then we went to the checkout counter and I was all set to pay with my money and stuff and then she asked for my ID and I just went "huh? Why?" Because that movie is R rated and I look like a bleeding fifteen year old! Both of these are facts I forget because A) I don't think about my looking fifteen until someone brings it up and B) I don't categorize movies I like by maturity rating. (The zombies and guts sits right next to the cartoons and butterflies. So long as it's alphabetical of course.)

That one simple step of show my your ID to prove your not being a delinquent totally messed me up. I was not prepared! It totally frazzled my brain. I am an adult dammit! If I want violence, explosions, and dystopian societies, it should not be this difficult! But yeah, what should have been two minutes down the express lane took ten. I had to fight my ID out of my wallet because it decided this was the moment when it was going to cling onto the sides for dear life. Then I got it back and was like "now what?" That's when you pay stupid. In other words it was a clusterfuck and I now own a wallet with a clear viewer thing for my ID just in case of such a situation. (I also use adult grown up words like clusterfuck to prove my adultness.)

My younger sister, however, has managed to buy violent R rated movies without being ID'd.  I still have yet to master this and gone to buying R rated things online.

Moral Of The Story: Become a dude so I can grow a mustache and look older.

There was also the time when my younger sister and our friend were planning to go see Cabin In The Woods, but couldn't because I didn't look old enough so they asked for IDs and they didn't have theirs because they don't drive and high school IDs don't have your age. Also our friends mom doesn't look like our friend because she's white and our friend is half Saudi Arabian. So we gave up and went roller skating instead. Read about it here. 

AGE TWENTY

I am now twenty years old I still get ID'd for everything. In my entire adult life I have not been ID'd for a thing once. I bought a bottle of NyQuil and the cashier didn't ID me. I was so freaking excited that I practically danced home. (And then I coughed a bunch and passed out because I really needed that cold medicine.

While I no longer look like I'm twelve. (Yay! Boobs!) I still get told I look way young. When I was working on the set of a music video for school, the twelve year old actress was surprised that I was older than my co-art directer because according to her I look like I'm fifteen. So, I'm moving up in the world people. I now look old enough to drive a car with adult supervision.

I turn 21 in in two and a half months and I might as well just tape the blasted ID to my forehead for the festivities. This is why people need bar-codes tattooed on their arms. One little scan and boom you never have to fumble through your wallet to pull out your ID to prove you're an adult and can handle the responsibility of NyQuil again.

Tetherball

Tetherball is an incredibly dramatic sport. Requiring almost ninja reflexes and skill. At least that is what I discovered after I lost my epic Kung-Fu battle with one.

It started simple enough with an afternoon walk to the park. After the basic tomfoolery of jumping off swings and climbing things, we discovered the tether-ball. Standing there majestically calling our names to come and play with it.

The tetherball was up to no good however. It coaxed us in with the promise of a fun children's game, but left us (and by us I mean me) with only pain.  Round one was my younger sister and her boyfriend. It was a one sided battle where my sister spend the entire time cringing and ducking as though the inanimate ball on a string was going to eat her. If I had only headed that as a warning

An actually less terrified expression than what befell my sister's face.

I of course being an older sibling had to mock my younger sister for her terror. It was a ball on a string what possible horrors could it be hiding?

Then it was my turn to battle my sister's boyfriend in this game. The first round was well, sad to say the least. He served and the ball wrapped itself around the top of the pole where me and my shortness could not reach. Leaving me to leap upwards in an attempt that didn't even let me tap it with my finger tips.

After such a  fail that it can only be described as steering the Titanic, it was round two and my turn to serve. So that is exactly what I did. It went well and wrapped around the pole a couple times. There was even some decent volley. Then WAMP! It came careening back at me with vengeance and what I can only assume was it's evil plan all along. Where was I hit you ask?

Was it the face?

 

Was it the nads?

Just kidding. I don't have nads

Or was it just a sudden increase in gravity that caused me to land on top of the ball?

Actual Google image result for getting hit by a ball.

I'll give you as much time as it takes to read this sentence to confer with you team. (Were we actually playing with teams?)

The answer is the Solar Plexus! Ding ding ding! Do we have a winner? (Seriously do we?)

So that is how I lost my Kung Fu fight with a tetherball. Napoleon Dynamite, I salute you for surviving such an ordeal without mass amounts of pain.

I have come to the conclusion that tetherball is the boss battle of the playground and there is a very good reason that no one ever ever played it. Few are prepared for such an ordeal.

Hair

I am a member of the human race that was given the incredibly luck of having obscene amounts of hair. It works out well for me though since due to my pasty white ancestry the hair in places it's not supposed to be is blond rendering it near impossible to see unless you are looking for it. It works out well for me since shaving your legs is one of the biggest wastes of time humanity has ever come up with (and it's not even a good waste of time like the internet). That being said, the hair on top of my head is completely controlled by evil gnomes that don't believe I should ever look like a normal human being.

On top of my head is one full fledged enchanted forest of never ending hair.  When I grow my hair out it only looks a step or two down from StarFire in the 1980's.

Me: Pre-hair-cut

I have such insane thick hair that half an hour in a humid environment mixed with a lack of hair cut leads to me looking like I have some giant fluffy animal eating my head.

Sort of like that.

That second photo there is pretty close to the hair style I rock whenever I am in between hair cuts. My hair grows like a weed. A magic hair weed that consumes my head and I'm pretty certain if I didn't chop it off every few months it would just start eating people like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors (have to feed those hair gnomes someway I suppose).

My older sister actually tested the theory of what happens when you don't cut hair in our family. She doesn't even have as thick of hair as I do, but she has enough that if she was stranded on a desert island she could use her hair to make rope to lasso sea turtles (like Captain Jack only it actually happening. She cut her hair off once and cried at how short it was. Now she never cuts it and I have seen her hair eat a curling iron. (Not even joking it got stuck and took my mom three hours to excavate without just chopping it out.)

Less screaming than real life.

I had long hair up until the summer before eighth grade when I finally got sick of my head looking like a squirrel had made a nest simply by my having gone to gym class. I also sort of sucked at getting out of bed in the morning with enough time to actually brush my hair. It was a nightmare of hair. Judging by the amount left on the floor I'm pretty sure it joined together to love and pet and call a bunny George.

Pictured: my last hair cut.

I doesn't even matter if I've gone over a year without a hair cut, like the one I got last Christmas. Or if I've only gone four months. There is always so much hair on the ground. The lady that cuts it once suggested that she should just charge me by the pound. Not going to lie if barbers and hair dressers did that they would make a killing off me alone.

While my longer hair goes full fledged monster, my short hair prefers to go action anime. While my longer hair still manages to defy gravity my short hair doesn't even bother believing in it's existence. It's an old wives tale that the ends of my hair have passed down to the roots. While everyone with short hair gets that your hair will spike if you sleep on it wet, all I need to do is sleep on it. I can have showed, shaped it to look nice, let my hair dry entirely, and even attempted sleeping while sitting up, yet when I wake up in the morning it always manages to look like a cow attempted to lick the hair right off my head.

Mythical head licking cow the teleports into my room while I sleep.

On same days I get lucky though and I manage to not have just that one gravity defying spot of hair, but my entire head. On those occasions I happen to look very much like Goku from Dragon Ball. Gravity be damned!

Also, my actual face when woken up

I'm pretty sure that's how they designed his hair. They just took some kid with a god awful amount
of hair, had them take a nap, then drew it. What's sad is I don't even have to have been living in the woods for months without parental supervision for it to happen.

Moving to Florida (Plus A Side Note About Chess)

I am currently in the process of moving and I will tell you right now it is hellacious. There are the normal reasons it sucks like packing, and figuring out what to get rid of then there are the special headaches that are reserved just for me because I happen to be a member of the Robinson family.

PART ONE: MY DECISION
I decided to move to Florida with my younger sister and her boyfriend on what seemed like a whim to most people. I know this because there is no shortage of people that have told me so. My sister first suggested that I move to Florida with her and her boyfriend months ago. Like at the beginning of the semester number of months ago (I don't feel like doing math so figure it out for yourselves people). I thought about it and figured I was just going to stay in Denver. Then I spent months with a deadbeat roommate, spent more time on sets than at home, dealt with a shitty teacher and annoying censorship at my school, had birds make a nest in my air conditioner, went to my uncle's funeral, and collected bugs in my apartment.

I was indecisive about it at first because everyone you ever talk to about moving has like eight million tons of advise and opinions. None of which is really all that helpful. From my mother I got, "What about finishing up your degree?" From my sisters I got, "You'll find better jobs and get to do cool stuff in Florida." From friends you get, "I'm going to miss you." (Which so far is the only valid point mentioned.) And of course the most classic and totally obnoxious two cent penny I've received thus far, "You're going to be a perpetual third wheel if you share an apartment with you sister and her boyfriend." To that I scream bullshit. I am close friends with my sister and I'm close friends with her boyfriend. I can hang out with either if the other is not around and best of all, I can hang out with neither because doing stuff by yourself is actually fun. You should try it sometime.

I just want to go somewhere different for awhile. I will still be working on films. I will still be enjoying myself. I will just be living with roommates I like, without birds or bugs indoors (as much), and without getting snowed in because Mother's Day is apparently still winter. I am so excited to move. Especially the part about moving out of my stank hole apartment. (That morning bird chirping sound is a lot worse when the birds live in a box that is halfway inside your apartment.)

The reason it seems like the decision was such a whim is because I just suck at telling people in a timely manner. As my life tends to go, a lot of other chaos is always involved and I don't always feel like announcing what I'm doing to the world because it involves talking. Lots and lots of talking. Something I don't like to do as often as all you normal overly chatty people. I was the kid who would pretend that I was a mute when playing pirates with my sisters because I wanted to play but didn't want to talk.

PART TWO: TRANSPORTATION
While deciding to move was a challenge in and of its own, the real challenge was figuring out how I was getting there. I do not have the stamina to bicycle across country, so the debate was fly or see if a friend would help me move. Flying sounded terrible, so I got one of my guy friends to come with, but then his car died, so I was screwed. That is when my parents actually jumped in with a solution.

My parents would give me my mother's old Dodge Neon if I could afford the repairs. So my friend still agreed to drive with and just fly back. It however took forever to actually hear anything about whether or not I had a car to drive. My friend had to drop out of the trip because mechanics in Middle of Nowhere, Wyoming don't believe that diagnosing a car's problem can take any less than half a month.

Finally though I had a car. I just had to have my mother bring it down for me and teach me how to drive stick. The thing about driving stick is it sucks. I can do it and I'm not terrible (I'm still not good), but it is a pain in the ass. I have come to the very real conclusion that people who prefer driving stick to an automatic are the same people that like to over complicate everything. My mom does it, my dad does it, and one of my guy friends does it. They all prefer driving stick and make everything a complicated nightmare. (I know I will get a lecture about why sticks are better from my mother and father later for this, but it is mostly just added pain in the assery.)

When I initially learned to drive my mother attempted to teach me and I almost lost my mind in the process, so I had a family friend teach me because my mother, while I love her, drives me up the wall with over helping. Having her teach me to drive stick was just painful. While everyone squeals tires, pop the clutch, and kills it at stop lights when first learning, only I had access to the constant influx of my mother's helpful little tips.

Every time I had an issue she was telling me what I did wrong and every time I did good she told me I did good. While that doesn't sound so bad, let me just say she just kept talking. Repeating herself every time I did anything. I actually had to tell her to shut up because the constant influx of "that was too much gas/not enough." or "Don't release the clutch so quickly." combined with "You just keep getting frazzled calm down." does not actually help me. (That constant feed back is exactly why I quit chess.) I see what I did wrong. Stop telling me and let me think for half a second. I don't do well with constant feedback all it does is annoy me and frustrate me. I have a long history of figuring things out on my own because people over teaching makes me want to scream (and trust me my parents are masters of over teaching.)

My mother had to leave before I became an expert in driving stick, so I'm still working at it, but it is so much easier to figure out how to switch gears when your mother isn't trying to over explain it to you. I love my parents dearly and thank them immensely for the car, but there is a slight hatred for driving stick imbedded in there. It is so over complicated and did I mention that parking is evil.

PART THREE: MOTHER'S VISIT
I love my mother I really really do. She is however really really maddening. In order to teach me how to drive stick and to help me pack my mother stayed with me for about three days. The first night I had plans to hang out with some friends before everyone left for summer vacation. It was a night of cards against humanity and booze. While I  was gone my mom did the mom thing and cleaned some and was asleep when I got back at 1:00am.

The next day was when my perpetual inner scream started. My mother awoke me at 7:00am. Waking up at seven in the morning sucks any ways, but waking up at 7:00am with a slight hangover after going to bed at 1:00am and an expectation that you should be perky is like putting your head in a vice grip and attempting to dance the tango without any knowledge that it's a dance.

We packed, we cleaned, we sorted, and my mother does not believe in breaks. While I wanted to take a nap by 9:00am, she kept going and insisted that we couldn't stop for anything except lunch and bedtime. My mother is the cleaning version of the Energizer Bunny she just keeps going and going and going all the while telling you and telling you and telling you about all the stuff you have to do.

That alone could drive me insane. Then you add in the driving lessons and I was in straight up zone out mode barely listening to anything my mother said because it all involved how much packing I needed to do. By the end of the weekend when my dad picked her up all I wanted to do was sleep for three day and not talk to anyone.

PART FOUR: THE PHONE
Since my mom left she has called me every single day this week at a ratio of more than once a day. There went my plans to not talk to anyone as well as my sleeping plans. Monday through Wednesday it wasn't just my mom calling. It was my entire family on in succession at 9:00am. I would ignore the first call from my mother and go back to sleep. Then my older sister would call. Followed by my aunt and my younger sister. I somehow managed to be born into a family that is entirely comprised of morning people who all need to talk to me at nine in the morning.

All week long I have gotten so many damn phone calls I am going insane. My mother calls me everyday to ask how the packing and driving is going. She is driving me insane. Absolutely insane! That paired with my dislike of talking and the fact that everyone else keeps calling me is making me crazy. I have had conversations about the new apartment with my younger sister, conversations about Netflix issues with her boyfriend, lectures about packing from my mother, and a call from a friend in a "crisis." (She forgot her jacket before getting a giant tattoo so she needed to borrow one to hide it from her mother when she went home.) I love all these people dearly, but leave me alone! Dear god stop talking. I'm about to put them all in time out. (Or at the very least change my phone number.)

CONCLUSION
Now all I have to do is finish packing up all my stuff on my own. I'm not too worried about it and I will find a way to fit everything into the car (despite my mom telling me otherwise). It's chaos and packing sucks, but if people will STOP CALLING ME, I may actually finish before I leave.



PS: WHY I QUIT CHESS
In fourth grade I got really into chess. I learned how to play it and discovered it was really fun, so I joined chess club. I got to play with people and actually got pretty good at it. Then in fifth grade I could no longer participate in chess club. It was my own fault, so I really can't blame anyone other than myself. Still, the reasoning is just dumb.

There was a rule in fifth grade that if you had missing assignments you had to go to after school detention on Wednesday nights. This was supposed to teach us responsibility. (It did no such thing.) All it did was keep me from joining chess club which was scheduled for the same time.

Rather than playing chess I sat in a room where I was supposed to be making up homework. I did make up some assignments, but I always had at least one assignment that was never finished. This assignment was to color pilgrims. Since I could see no educational value in coloring them nor anything interesting about it, I spent every Wednesday for a year in detention. It got to the point where they even made a special section of detention for all us kids that refused to do our homework. (I was the only one that was there because of coloring.)

Anyways, since I couldn't go to chess club I was forced to find people who would play me outside of it. This meant my dad. My siblings played once or twice, but never got into it. My dad did. It was fun at first until he started teaching me. (I will note I taught him how to play to begin with.) Every time I would lose a piece he would tell me what I did wrong. I knew what I did wrong and would make a note to fix it next time before he started talking. It got to the point where I stopped playing chess all together because I didn't want a five minute lecture every time I lost a pawn.

As a result, I having once been good at chess, now haven't played since middle school when my out of practice butt was kicked five times in ten minutes by a friend who had a parent that wasn't annoying to play chess with.

Screw Unicorns! I'm a Rhino!

Okay, the fact is everyone loves the internet. It's a thing a lot of people would give up their right foot to spend time on simply because they can do more things without a foot and with the internet than they can with a foot and without the internet. (Yay! Technology!) Anyways there's a meme going around of a rhino that wants to be a unicorn. It looks a lot like this.

I'd seen it a few times and even thought it was cute at first. Then this morning something about this illustration hit me. It's glorifies negative body image. It doesn't matter how often that little rhino runs on the treadmill, nothing short of an encounter with a genie is going to turn him into a unicorn.

I get that the image is supposed to be cute, but when you think about it more than the passing Facebook news scroll, you realize how messed up it really is. (Either that or just suddenly have excessive amounts of free time like me.) In our society there is constantly a lot of talk about body image and how media helps to either make it better or worse. That rhino pictured above has grown up in a society where unicorns are the most beautiful and majestic mythical creatures out there and everyone should strive to be one. That's not unlike our society where supermodels combine with photoshop to make one mythical Frankenstein's Monster of a Barbie Doll. 

As of late there are a lot of things like this going around.

They use the unicorn to represent individuality, by putting everyone in a perfect unicorn costume and pretending everyone eats butterflies and poops rainbows. (Yes, that was a Horten Hears a Who Reference.) The problem is being yourself doesn't lead you down the path to mythical perfection. It leads you down a path where you scrape your knees, collect a few scars, and by the end of the day have some badass stories to tell or at the very least an indepth knowledge of Grey's Anatomy thanks to Netflix.

Being yourself is about being yourself. It's not about attaining some level of awesome that doesn't exist like a unicorn. It's about just being a level of awesome that's imperfect, scraped up a bit, and actually exists like a rhino. So screw being a unicorn. I'm a rhino! I will rock my pale tubby tummy in a bikini even if it blinds the entire beach because it's far more comfortable than farting glitter and pretending my Edward Cullen paleness sparkles without it. (Yes I did just imply the Edward Cullen farts glitter.)

I Don't Like To Talk Sometimes

I am not much of a talker. I just don't say a lot sometimes. It's just the way I am. Plain and simple. On occasion I have gone days without saying a single word aloud. And I  promise every penny that my mother has offered me for my thoughts that it is not because I am in a bad mood.

Contrary to popular belief and the perpetual bitch face that I apparently have, I am not often in a bad mood. In fact, the first step to putting me in one is to keep asking me what's wrong. Nothing is wrong except for the fact that you won't leave me the hell alone. I sometimes just don't want to talk, or sometimes I actually have nothing to say. (What a weird concept, right?) It's not because I'm shy. It's not because I'm self conscious. And I swear to god it has nothing to do with you. Jesus, can't a girl just play Final Fantasy alone in her room without everyone thinking that she is going to leap off a building?

I talk just as much as the next person. Or so I thought until a family friend told me that mom thought I never talked when I was growing up. Part of this may be that about 50% of what I said had the potential to get me sent to the corner (until I was fifteen) or result in a giant blow up that never ended well. (On one occasion this was literally the use of the word hamburger.) Another part of this was that by the time I would get home from eight hours of talking to people I didn't want to talk to people anymore. Hence my mother was convinced I was a mute unless I was deadlocked in a yelling match with my father about how I could in fact actually play Age of Empires while sick. (That was an actual argument.)

I also really don't like having to explain myself to people. Yes, sometimes I do weird things and no I don't mind explaining to someone why I built a reading cave in my closet. Other times, when I am doing something completely normal like coming home from class, I don't want to tell you all about how class was class. (It's fucking class people! Asking how it was everyday is obnoxious. It's always the same. If something interesting did happen I will probably be telling you about it anyways.) Honestly, I don't see why everyone is always so interested in what I am doing. Maybe it's just normal human curiosity, but does it really matter if I don't want to tell you about my day? Even if it was a good one?

My dislike of explaining is probably why my boss when I worked tech support kept telling me I was being rude. To me answering a question involves giving an answer to a question. To the rest of the world this apparently involves telling them every detail even slightly related to the question. It doesn't matter if they asked, "Do you like spaghetti?" You apparently can't just answer no without explaining your entire tragic back story with spaghetti involving  your allergy to tomatoes and that you'd rather go hungry than eat jarred Alfredo. This happens a lot to me. Someone will ask me what class I have next and I'll say, "Humanities." Then they'll look at me like they expect more before awkwardly asking what that class is. I answered the question, but apparently it wasn't the essay they were looking for. (To be fair though, before I took the class I didn't know what a Humanities class entailed either.)

I honestly just don't like talking. I think my voice is one of the world strangest noises in the known universe. I'm not even self conscious about it. I just sometimes don't want to hear it. Yes, I do tell myself to shut up and no it's not for what I am saying it's because my voice is actually annoying me. I should just learn sign language and pretend I'm deaf. Then I wouldn't have to talk. (But everyone would be constantly shouting at me, so never mind.) I don't even think that other people find my voice annoying. I think to everyone else I sound like a normal human being just to me I get annoying when I talk too much. I actually think everyone gets annoying when they talk too much especially when they expect me to listen. (Okay, I may actually be kind of rude.)

My not talking sometimes has let to some of the weirdest conclusions from people. There are of course the above mentioned ones that I am either always pissed off, just never talk, or am just being rude. The conclusion that is drawn most often, however, is that I am shy. This is the weirdest conclusion that is drawn and it just baffles me entirely. I'm not shy. I never really have been. I mean come on people. I was the kid that at the age of tiny was sitting in the grocery cart singing "How in the heck can I wash my neck if it ain't gonna rain no more" at the top of my lungs. I just don't get the connection between not talking and being shy.

I remember back in elementary school when my sisters did a dance routine to a song by B*Witched (Oh, yeah 90s!) for the talent show and my older sister told me I had to be a leaf (like and actual fall on the ground leaf) to dance with them so I refused and didn't participate. (Who wants to be leaf?) Well, when we were getting seats to watch it a friend of my mom's asked why I wasn't up there with them. I said, "Because I didn't want to-" Then she cut off my explanation about not being a leaf and said, "Oh, that's right you're the shy one." While lacking the words at six, my thoughts went along the lines of "Bitch, I just didn't want to be a leaf!" (Why was my six year old hatred of leaves so hard to understand?)

The only time in my life when I wasn't branded as the shy girl was in third and fourth grade when I was friends with a girl who straight up didn't talk. I was only not labeled shy because she talked less than me. Then in fifth grade she started talking and I was once again labeled the shy one because she actually talked quite bit.

While all that makes me laugh a lot, what makes me laugh the most about this whole "Sarah's Shy" thing is that my younger sister is actually the shy one. I may not talk as much as she does because let's face it she talks a lot, but she will go to impressive lengths to avoid talking to people she doesn't know. When I was little and wanted and extra sauce packet for my chicken nuggets I had to go get them. When my little sister wanted an extra sauce packet I was sent to go get them. It is still the same to this day. I have seen this woman who is considered less shy than me, walk halfway across a town because she didn't want to ask someone where the restroom was. We had to go to the gas station so she wouldn't have to talk to anyone. (I suppose I could've asked for her, but it was her bladder not mine.)

A week ago we went swim suit shopping (it was blizzarding out, but that's besides the point) and we couldn't figure out where the section was stashed, so she said, "I'll ask this lady once she's done." Then the lady finished checking out her customer and my sister said, "Go ask her where the swimsuits are." Few things entertain me nearly as much as the ways my younger sister avoids human interaction with people she doesn't know. Usually it just involves "Sarah go ask them." Or if I'm not available her boyfriend substitutes quite nicely.

So, there you have it. I don't like to talk, it's not because I'm shy, and for the love of god I'm fine. Now leave me alone.

Food Allergies

I am a member of the human race (or so I've been told anyways) that happens to have food allergies. My allergies also rhyme, so I am only a half step away from being a children's book. (I'll probably write it myself and title it "Tomatoes, Potatoes, and Tornados.")

Now if you are a member of the human race that also happens to have a food allergy (an actual one. Keep those pansy intolerances to yourselves!), then I salute you for the massive pain you deal with on a daily basis. Also I'm going to bitch slap you off that pedestal when you start telling me how much worse your egg or cinnamon allergy is. Fact is they all suck so zip it and if I must I will introduce you to the gluten free, dairy free, soy free, potato free, vegetarian diet of my older sister. (Her genetics didn't quite get Got To Catch 'Em All only applied to Pokemon.)

Allergies are basically just a little rap on the knuckles from the universe to remind you that it doesn't like you. As a result everything food related is incredibly convoluted and usually slightly depressing.

In my opinion the most depressing of foods is pizza. Pizza just exists to taunt me. It's a round greasy delicious food that I can never forget because the internet is an evil little magic box that probably should have been burned way before I ever wrote this blog.

"Let's order pizza, guys!"
That's cool I'll just sit over hear and eat chips. Oh. They're potato chips nevermind. Oh wait there's others. Oh, nope they use tomato powder for coloring. Could you order breadsticks?

There are literally two places where ordering pizza isn't incredibly depressing. The best place being City 'O City in downtown Denver. You have not lived until you have tried an apricot sauce vegatarian pizza (or you may have lived a normal life). The best part is that it is more than "Can I have that with white sauce?" (Seriously, screw Alfredo!) And I guarantee I won't get sick from cross-contamination like a little assassination attempt from my food to remind me it's in charge.

Mexican food would be next on the list of depressing foods. I never eat Mexican food unless I make it myself or I buy a giant burrito from Chipotle where the believe no tomatoes should be an option. Going to any actual Mexican restaurant goes as follows.

Step 1. Read every ingredient listed to find a dish that doesn't sound too tomatoey.

Step 2. Ask the waiter if the marinades, chilies and sauces have tomatoes in them. (I have been lucky before so you can stop that laughter at the snort that began it.)

Step 3. Get told everything is cooked on the same grill and yes tomatoes are involved.

Step 4. Give up and order a plain bean burrito

Step 5. Oh, I get a side. Uhm... That has tomatoes... So does that... And that. I'll have two sides of beans please.

Step 6. Eat beans while playing find the tortilla.

Step 7. Proceed with flatulence for the rest of the evening.

Now moving on, let's talk about diners. I love diner food. Diners however love potatoes. Everything and I mean everything comes with potatoes. Have you ever ordered a breakfast skillet at those places? They're good right? Now take away the potatoes and enjoy your onion and ham breath for the rest of the day. (Also you'll be hungry in two hours.) I'm not sure if it is just good business to fill everyone up on potatoes or just plain evil.

Now right next to diner food on my list is anything that comes with a side of French fries. I am always the customer that is like, "Can I trade the French fries for sweet potato fries? No? Onion rings? No? What other sides do you have? Yeah, I'll have fresh fruit."

Now that we've covered food from Europe and the Americas let's go to Asia, shall we? I absolutely love Asian food. The main reason being it is absolutely delicious. The second being they don't use tomatoes and potatoes as the basis for all their damn foods. I can go to a Chinese restaurant and I have so many options. Only like two things I can't eat. I don't know about you, but I can live without sweet and sour sauce. It is victory that I can eat food without dying afterwards. I will never not get excited when someone suggests Chinese, Japanese or Thai food.

Now if you think I'm bad wait until you get my entire family in a restaurant. Most of the time spent sitting there is just us asking the poor waiter about every ingredient they ever use. (We tip well though, so we acknowledge our pain-in-the-assery.)

Over Christmas break we decided to all try a Thai place. With all our collective allergies it was actually impressive how well we managed. Of course we did end up with one allergic reaction. (A Robinson family reunion escape trick fake an allergic reaction or an actual one works fine too.) My younger sister managed to order the perfect plate of death. It was a curry of some sort and my younger sister got one with green peppers, her one food allergy. (Seriously, you had one job.) As son as we figured that out the rest of the time was spent trying to pawn it off elsewhere. None of us could eat it to avoid making it go to waste. My mom and older sister couldn't do it because it had gluten. My younger sister's boyfriend couldn't eat it because it had peanuts. I couldn't eat it because the sauce was tomato based. And my dad was just being a picky eater because it had tofu. ("I'm not eating that whale flubber stuff." -An actual quote by my father.)

To be honest it is actually incredibly impressive everyone in my family is still alive and we haven't all just decided to replace our meals with futuristic capsule ones to avoid all the hassle of the "Will I die?" debate. It's not like we could do the gum from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. All that tomato soup. Okay, everyone but me could do it. I'll just sit over here and nibble on my gobstopper.

On Being Serious

Today, is going to be a very rare moment in my life when I am going to be serious about something. Here goes. Ladies, gentlemen, and anyone else that bothers to read this, I am not a serious person. For some reason, a lot of people do not understand that I am not a serious person. I blame this partially on my chronic bitch face and partially on the fact that people take themselves way too seriously.

I take myself about as seriously as teenagers take consequences. (Actually less so.) I think I am an absolutely absurd person with a life to match it. That is why when I fall on my ass, am cyberstalked by a porcelain goose (a story for another time my friends), or manage to squirt lemonade in my eye, I am usually the first to laugh at it (after or during the required cursing of course). I take so little to heart I forget that other people actually care about these things. Mostly because I don't understand why they do.

One of the lighthearted things I do is comment on things people do or ask questions about it. I never mean anything by them, I honestly just thought that the way you put your hair up was interesting, or was legitimately curious as to why people put cereal in mugs. (I still do not get this. It is completely baffling to me.)

Today on set when packing up the leftovers of the sandwich platter, the person doing so said, "It won't fit." about one of the condiment containers. I simply replied, "Yes, it will." I wasn't trying to be snarky (or "snippy" as she put it). I just knew it would fit and took over putting it away. (By the way it did fit.) No one ever believes me when I say, "I'm not being snippy."

My parents love to lecture me on my snippiness or attitude as they put it. Yes, sometimes I do have an attitude and I still retain the belief that it's usually for a legitimate reason. I really don't like to put up with people's bullshit and am increasingly less willing to do so. (Note: The attitude lectures began after I started calling my dad out on his crap.)

For some reason when people talk shit about someone, deservedly or not, they expect whoever is standing near them to be on their side. That's when my eyes glaze over and I stop participating in the conversation. Don't get me wrong I have talked my fair share of shit, so I'm no better (exhibit A: this blog post). I just don't like listening to people insist on bringing it where it doesn't belong, like a film set. You have a job to do. Suck it up and bitch later when you don't have to work with them anymore.

I don't know what it is about me, but I am the go to person for people to come to when they want to bitch about someone. My coworkers did it, people on film sets do it, everyone in drama did it, most members of my girl scout troop did it. My theory is that since I don't care to participate much it just gives them a vast opening to keep talking. I normally don't mind listening even. People have to vent about stupid shit other people do, but don't do it when you have to turn around and see them again in five minutes. It only makes the rest of the time you have to work with them seem that much worse. There is a time and place for venting, but when you have a job to do is not it.

For some reason, that reason usually being sleep deprivation and tight quarters, film sets are cesspools for bullshit. It's a stressful environment so I never take it to heart when someone snaps at me or gets angry for no reason. It's not about me, even if it's directed at me. No one else ever gets that. In the past three weeks I have worked on six different films and have surprised several directors, by not having even once been upset or pissed off when they have snapped at me. (They always apologize later and I appreciate that, but I was never worrying about it to begin with.) I however am the only one that seems to share that sentiment. Everyone else stores it up, so that by the time we're done filming at least two people on set pretty much hate each other. And sometimes if the film set is really lucky there is one person in particular who gets to be hated by everyone on set simply for doing their job. (On only one occasion it was because they were legitimately an asshole and deserved it.)

I'm not saying people don't get on my nerves because dear god they do (and not just for their bitch sessions), but it is too much time and effort to worry about it. I have other shit I need to be doing rather than telling the producer that "(Choose a name) was trying to get me to talk shit about you." When all he said was "Me and the producer are just not getting along right now." Move some equipment, or gaff an extension cable, or better yet shove some of that craft services into your face and stop talking.

I have only been on one shoot where bitching and moaning was a legitimate thing to do. And that is because the director left halfway through set up because he forgot stuff at his house two hours away, he had us haul a mattress across the city by holding it onto the roof of a car with our hands because he didn't give us long enough cables to secure it, turns out he didn't actually need it, not only did I get injured, so did our stunt guy because he decided to change up the stunt without letting the guy know, he only offered lunch meat and hummus as food with no bread or anything else, he tried to get away with not paying us back for props we bought, but he decided be didn't want to use, and he made everyone stay until 1:00am each night on the weekend before finals because he didn't have his shit together. Unless they are actually being that level of an asshole, I don't want to hear it. Here's a snickers. Talk to me when you have your head out of your ass.

I may not be a serious person, but I will get serious when it comes to getting things done on film set. And that is when I have the opposite problem.

I can work and talk at the same time. I can even work quickly while still smiling and joking the entire time. And if I am doing something tedious that I have to focus on then I will ignore everything and everyone around me. I usually do all that before I get on set because I usually work art department. And unless we have to copper plate a wall in five minutes, which I've done, (it was wrapping paper), I can poster an entire wall while still talking to everyone around me in a joking and friendly manner. That is when people think I'm not taking my job seriously.

Today, I actually got a lecture about needing to be more focused and ready to help out. While it may not look like it while I am standing in the corner reading, when I am on set I will drop anything I have in order to help with what is needed. The standing in a corner is just to keep me out of the way and reading is to keep my brain awake. Boredom is death to my productivity.

Film is one of those things I take very seriously and will do anything necessary to get stuff done. Just tell me what to do. My ears are always listening for key phrases that mean I'm needed. I like to have fun with what I do which is why I name the list of people who are using props The Bloodhunt List and label certain articles of clothing The Dead Wookie Scarf or the Bipolar Dress. What's the point in working hard if you are not having fun.

So, no I am not a serious person, but yes I take what I do seriously. Why does everyone seem to think that taking something seriously means sucking the fun out of it? If anyone can explain this to me please do and I'll probably tell you that is dumb as shit. Unless it is a funeral, taking it seriously does not mean being serious. Thank you and goodnight. Or rather good morning because I have insomnia since I had to take my inhaler.

Maintenance

For the past year, I have lived in my current apartment and being an ancient complex with lots of issues stuff breaks a lot. (Seriously, a friend of mine's aunt lived here in the seventies.) Last year it rained in my bathrom not once, not twice, not three times, and after that I stopped counting. When they finally got the bathroom rain to stop, I was left with a giant square shaped hole in my bathroom ceiling that took them nine months to fix. That was my first bout with maintenance and at least then the maintenance guy was polite and respectful, so I could put up with it. While inconvenienced I had not yet reached a level of pissed. That was reserved for today.

So, in the past couple of months the really old garbage disposal has broken at least half a dozen times and maintenance has been called to fix it. The last time was a couple weeks ago when we had just tried to do dishes and after dumping some rice in the drain we realized that the garbage disposal wasn't working. Since there was still some rice stuck in the sink when maintenance showed up the next day, he decided that it had to be the rice that broke the garbage disposal that caused it to not even turn on. While annoyed with his condescending tone and pretty certain that it wasn't the rice because he said himself that it was rusted (Maybe a garbage disposal that hasn't been in use since the early seventies would help), I put up with the lecture and shrugged it off because it was one guy out of several generally respectful maintenance guys I've dealt with.

Then the fridge started to leak water or some other liquid all over the place. Again, since everything in the apartment is old I thought little of it and requested maintenance for it a couple days ago. While, I was away on set when they were working on it my roommate was home. They proceeded to lecture her about how the ice cube trays had leaked water and were what was causing it to leak through the fridge and out onto the floor. I have two ice cube trays, one of which is flower shaped and doesn't even hold enough water to fill half a cup. On top of that I rarely actually use them so they usually just sit there staying frozen without new water being added, so there is no way in hell that they could have generated enough water to mop my kitchen floor. While had I been here, I probably would have called bullshit on this explanation, that's not even the part that pissed me off the most.

When I got back from set, my roommate was out, so I attempted to open the fridge. Of all the useless things that maintenance can possibly do, they switched the side that the door opens on. Yes, most people have refrigerators that have the handle on the left side. Mine, however had it on the right and yes it was actually for a legitimate reason being that there's a wall on that side so if you opened it from the other you couldn't open it all the way. For the past seven hours I have been trying to open the refrigerator door and failing because maintenance is a bunch of dumbasses.

I can and will put up with raining bathrooms, perpetually breaking garbage disposals, cupboard and drawer knobs that like to just fall of every once in awhile, and even the occasional day where they have to shut off the water because some ass didn't have his heat turned up and froze the pipes. I will not however put up with condescending lectures about shit that just breaks because it is old and seriously you're not the one that lives in the apartment, so don't switch my refrigerator door unless you are actually replacing it with a new one.

I may look sixteen, but I am an adult that pays my own rent every month on time and has been doing, so for over a year and a half. Save your condescending bullshit for someone who is actually stupid AKA yourself. So, without further ado, fuck you maintenance!

Not So Passive Princesses

Frozen was awesome! Anyone that says otherwise either hasn't seen it or is stupid. That however is not the point of this blog because the entire internet will tell you I am right. Instead I have something else to discuss. I was reading an article about the ways in which Frozen is the most progressive Disney movie and who can argue, but I will argue with the statement made that all the Disney princesses have been passive characters. So here's to those that we grew up with who weren't doormats even though some of them found a prince. In no particular order.

Pocahontas
She may have caused some problems with all that magical listening to her heart, but fact is she was not passive. She didn't just sit there throughout the film. When her father wanted her to marry that one guy (Kocuom or something right?) she didn't. When John Smith got arrested by her tribe she stood up for him and when he asked her to come with him she said no. Pocahontas didn't have her ass saved by John, she saved John's ass. (For time and sanity related purposes, I am ignoring sequels.)

Belle
She ignores Gaston not even for a second putting up with his crap. When he put his boots on her book, it probably took more self control than you can imagine to not murder him right there (totally different story then, huh?). When the horse comes running back terrified, she hops on without hesitation to find her father. Same with giving up her freedom and happiness to take his place. She refuses to do what the angry furry dude tells her even though he has huge with fangs. And she even attempts to run away at one point. She does have more guts than she gets credit for. Beauty and the Beast may have some other issues, but a passive lead is not one of them.

Mulan
Okay, this one may be a given, but Mulan kicks ass! She is so beautifully assertive, it is damn right wonderful! She argues with the scrawny dude on his high horse about her father going to war. She won't let the matchmaker drink a bug (which alone makes her a better person than me). And if course she runs off to war to save her father and doesn't even give up when whatshisface (yeah yeah lecture me all you want for forgetting his name) tells her she's unsuited for the rage of war. So hats off to Mulan. High fives all around!

Jasmine
She doesn't put up with cocky princes trying to woo her. She sicks a tiger on them! (She may have some anger issues.) On top of that she runs away to have freedom, but willingly gives it up when it means saving the boy that saved her ass. She confront Jafar about it even though suffers from untold levels of creapy. She refuses to buy Aladdin's prince act. And above all else she is very glad to help Aladdin fight Jafar. When she's sees him sneaking in she doesn't just wait to be rescued she kisses the creapy old man, so passivity not one of her qualities. On top of that (and yes I said I wouldn't bring this up), even in the sequels she helps with the ass kicking.

Ariel
She's not the best example because everything she does is for a man she hasn't met, but she isn't passive about it. While not the brightest traffic cone she does take matters into her own hands to be with her fella, so she does deserve points. She also gets a few for blowing off singing to fight a shark and for running to stop the wedding rather than just accept it. Granted, that was after Skuttle did his whole raving thing. She's by no means the highest ranked, but she does get some points even if the motivation is all wrong.

Cinderella
She has a lot of shit to deal with. A crazy sadistic step mother and siblings that have been trained to follow suit. On top of that she has to hear their bad singing and do all the chores. It's pretty impressive that Cinderella manages to be optimistic enough to be in a good mood ever let alone not punch someone in the face. When it's time for the ball she doesn't just sit there thinking "I'll never be allowed to go", she buckles down cleans the whole mansion and has her mouse friends build her a dress. Then when it gets ripped apart in like three seconds that's when she gives up. Everyone needs help once in awhile guys. She wasn't expecting the fairy godmother, but she would be damned if she wasn't taking the invite. On top of that she willingly booked it midconversasion out of the ball and when the slipper guy came about she was fighting (mostly by encouraging mice) to get out and get that thing on her foot. Come on guys it's an escape. You telling me you wouldn't take it in that situation?

Rapunzel
She wasn't rescued from the tower. I mean come on Flynn took a frying pan to the face and it was her idea to use him as a guide to go exploring. On top of that her hair does a lot of ass saving for the both of them. For a princess in a tower story, she really does not do much passive sitting about. Just listen to the opening song people. Nowadays it would be, "I watched Netflix. Then more and more. I'm cool with staying here." (Maybe with more rhythm and tune.) Rapunzel kicks ass!

Tiana
I have only seen this movie once, so bear with me about how this one won't be as detailed. She is willing to work her butt of to build a successful restaurant on her own. And when she gets turned into a frog it's not just sitting there accepting it. Lots of things are tried so that she can have posable thumbs again.

Megara
Who doesn't love Megara? While I can barely watch Hercules without cringing (what did you do to mythology?), I still love Megara. She is one of the first leading love interests to not be innocent. She's the femme fatal who doesn't ask for help. She takes matters into her own hands and even refuses rescue when she first meets Herc.

Esmeralda
Another femme fatal type. She isn't one whatsoever to sit still and wait for anything. As soon as she has sanctuary, she starts looking for an escape (well after a song of course). She won't give in to Frollo even when strapped to a stake to burn. And let's not forget she was the only one willing to give Frollo the finger (oh she totally would have if it wasn't a kids show) and cut Quasimodo free.

There you have it. The princesses of yore, while definitely not maybe as badass as the ones in Frozen were not totally passive and useless. Give credit where credit is due and thank God all of us have the sense to not marry a man we've never met that kisses us when he thinks we're dead.