"You might learn somethin'," is the most common statement my dad makes. At random points through out a day you'll walk by him and he'll be doing something. Instead of letting you continue on your merry way he says, "Sit down. You might learn something'." If you try and continue on your merry way he gets mad and either pouts or will yell at you. Either way you get stuck listening to a lecture, watching an educational video, or maybe just stuck holding down a calf while he castrates it.
This morning my dad informed me and my younger sister that we had to help castrate our new baby calf. The ultimatum was that we either did that or my parents wouldn't take us to a friends house for a New Year's Eve party. While I don't live in suburbia or even in a town, I don't know for sure, but I highly doubt that not wanting to help castrate and brand a calf is grounds for punishment. So about two this afternoon we went down to the mucky cow pin and got to hold down a calf for about twenty minutes while he squirmed and we got yelled at.
Thanks to my dad, I did learn something. I learned that I will never need to know how to castrate or brand a calf, that doing so makes me feel queasy, and that my dad needs a hobby other than buying farm animals. Thanks to my mom I also learned, "He doesn't look too happy." Mom, I wonder why.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Fire
I have been lit on fire three times.
The first time was when I was a little kid. It was the fourth of July so like every other American I attended a fireworks display. Well my family just made the mistake of attending one in New Castle, Wyoming. While I was sitting and enjoying the loud, colorful explosions a flaming piece of shrapnel landed on my foot and it caught fire. I didn't even have chance to react before the old man sitting next to me started stomping on my foot and put out the fire.
The second time I got to close to a candle when the power was out and caught my hair on fire.
The third time I was taking something out of the oven. I accidentally tapped to top of the oven and my oven mitt burst into flames.
Now while I have been lit on fire three times I was not the one that caught the electric stove on fire. Yesterday my younger sister went into the kitchen and turned on the stove with plans to cook an egg. Even though my mom had used it several times before that point, it burst into flames when my sister used it. I don't know what it is about my family, but they have quite the ability to kill technology (see Technology In My House)
The first time was when I was a little kid. It was the fourth of July so like every other American I attended a fireworks display. Well my family just made the mistake of attending one in New Castle, Wyoming. While I was sitting and enjoying the loud, colorful explosions a flaming piece of shrapnel landed on my foot and it caught fire. I didn't even have chance to react before the old man sitting next to me started stomping on my foot and put out the fire.
The second time I got to close to a candle when the power was out and caught my hair on fire.
The third time I was taking something out of the oven. I accidentally tapped to top of the oven and my oven mitt burst into flames.
Now while I have been lit on fire three times I was not the one that caught the electric stove on fire. Yesterday my younger sister went into the kitchen and turned on the stove with plans to cook an egg. Even though my mom had used it several times before that point, it burst into flames when my sister used it. I don't know what it is about my family, but they have quite the ability to kill technology (see Technology In My House)
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Technology in My House
For some reason, I am the only person in my house that can get technology to work for them no matter what. Everyone else has an incredible amount of issues.
MY COMPUTER
My younger sister, Liz, whenever she touches my computer it absolutely refuses to work properly. In fact this morning it even froze when she just walked in the room. My mom also has this obnoxious ability. It's for this reason that my family always complains about how slow my computer is. The thing is it runs perfectly fine when I use it. My friend, Spyke, built it for me my sophomore year. I absolutely love this computer. There are only a couple issues that I have with it.
1. It has to warm up a bit when you first turn it on.
2. On occasion it will play random eighties music from no discernible source.
3. Once instead of eighties music it decided to play the sound from a 1960's documentary called "The Homosexuals"
Those are the only three issues I have with my computer. I don't really mind them, but the last two are relatively disturbing at times. I'm pretty sure Spyke had some sort of subliminal messaging in mind when he built it.
THE DVD PLAYER
For years the only DVD player we had was a piece of crap that one of our aunts gave us for Christmas. This thing worked fine until my sister broke the remote. From then on we cold only do stuff with the buttons on the player itself. Now that wasn't even much of a problem until it decided that it was going to start rejecting random DVDs for no apparent reason. Almost anytime you put a disk in the machine it said, "no disk." You'd have to stick it in several times in order to get it to play. For some reason I was one of the few people that could get it to work. Whether it's because I'm incredibly stubborn would try dozens of times before giving up or that the thing just liked me for some reason, I don't know. We recently got a new DVD player that runs awesomely or well it did until Liz used it. Upon the first time my sister used it, the thing lost it's ability to fast forward or rewind. It can no longer be done.
THE SATELLITE RECEIVER
We get Dish Network satellite and it's one of the few things that remains functional in our house. The only problem is that Liz broke off the power button. If we don't have to remote (which by the way we've replaced more time than we can count) we can't turn on or off the satellite receiver. Also, whenever any time there is movement nest to it the signal to go fuzzy.
THE TV
Last week we got a new TV and there has yet to be any issues with it. The one before this one was a tube TV. This one was just getting old so the picture was going due to no fault of my family, but there were other problems created by my family. Like the satellite receiver my sister broke the power button off so we had to use the remote. I'm waiting in fear of what my family will do to the new TV.
THE CAR
This next one was just brutal. Not even something that is just a random happenstance. This would be my dad's disregard for anything he doesn't know how to use. In the Subaru Outback we had before I rolled it (see The Perfect Ending), We had some really nice speakers. It had one really nice sound system that my dad methodically murdered. Whenever he drove down our dusty dirt road on a warm day he'd roll the window down filling the car, it's CD slot and speakers with dust. That was the first step. The second step was reenacting. For all of his civil war reenacting adventures he'd have to transport tent poles and what not. He couldn't tie them on top of the car because that was reserved for his period accurate flag pole. Instead he shoved them down between the seats and the door and impaled the speakers. It wasn't even just once he did it multiple times. Step three was jamming the sky lights. When we first got it you could open the window covering and just look up at the sky with out actually opening the window. He jammed it so that it only opened when he opened the window. Step four was the cup holders. Not an overly important part, but none the less annoying. In the back seat the cup holders folded down. They got misaligned slightly so they were jammed. Instead of realigning them or fixing them in anyway like a normal person would, he just ripped them out.
THE TECHNOLOGY MURDERERS
MY MOM
My mom isn't as much of an issue as the rest of my family, but on occasion she gets to thinking that she's knows more than she does and usually causes more problems.
MY DAD
Refuses to learn how to properly use something. He just destroys it instead or asks people at ungodly hours to do it for him.
MY YOUNGER SISTER
Knows what she is doing, but technology just absolutely refuses to work properly for her.
MY GRANDMA
Usually has a pretty good idea of what she's doing, but on occasion gets confused about what is what and will have something running that she doesn't need or want.
P.S.
THE VACUUM CLEANER
As soon as I first posted this I went downstairs to vacuum like my mom asked. I changed the bag then when I went to turn it on again nothing happened. The light still worked but the vacuum made not even the slightest attempt to suck anything up. And now that I think about it I have had several vacuum cleaners quit while I was using them. I guess that I'm just not meant to clean.
MY COMPUTER
My younger sister, Liz, whenever she touches my computer it absolutely refuses to work properly. In fact this morning it even froze when she just walked in the room. My mom also has this obnoxious ability. It's for this reason that my family always complains about how slow my computer is. The thing is it runs perfectly fine when I use it. My friend, Spyke, built it for me my sophomore year. I absolutely love this computer. There are only a couple issues that I have with it.
1. It has to warm up a bit when you first turn it on.
2. On occasion it will play random eighties music from no discernible source.
3. Once instead of eighties music it decided to play the sound from a 1960's documentary called "The Homosexuals"
Those are the only three issues I have with my computer. I don't really mind them, but the last two are relatively disturbing at times. I'm pretty sure Spyke had some sort of subliminal messaging in mind when he built it.
THE DVD PLAYER
For years the only DVD player we had was a piece of crap that one of our aunts gave us for Christmas. This thing worked fine until my sister broke the remote. From then on we cold only do stuff with the buttons on the player itself. Now that wasn't even much of a problem until it decided that it was going to start rejecting random DVDs for no apparent reason. Almost anytime you put a disk in the machine it said, "no disk." You'd have to stick it in several times in order to get it to play. For some reason I was one of the few people that could get it to work. Whether it's because I'm incredibly stubborn would try dozens of times before giving up or that the thing just liked me for some reason, I don't know. We recently got a new DVD player that runs awesomely or well it did until Liz used it. Upon the first time my sister used it, the thing lost it's ability to fast forward or rewind. It can no longer be done.
THE SATELLITE RECEIVER
We get Dish Network satellite and it's one of the few things that remains functional in our house. The only problem is that Liz broke off the power button. If we don't have to remote (which by the way we've replaced more time than we can count) we can't turn on or off the satellite receiver. Also, whenever any time there is movement nest to it the signal to go fuzzy.
THE TV
Last week we got a new TV and there has yet to be any issues with it. The one before this one was a tube TV. This one was just getting old so the picture was going due to no fault of my family, but there were other problems created by my family. Like the satellite receiver my sister broke the power button off so we had to use the remote. I'm waiting in fear of what my family will do to the new TV.
THE CAR
This next one was just brutal. Not even something that is just a random happenstance. This would be my dad's disregard for anything he doesn't know how to use. In the Subaru Outback we had before I rolled it (see The Perfect Ending), We had some really nice speakers. It had one really nice sound system that my dad methodically murdered. Whenever he drove down our dusty dirt road on a warm day he'd roll the window down filling the car, it's CD slot and speakers with dust. That was the first step. The second step was reenacting. For all of his civil war reenacting adventures he'd have to transport tent poles and what not. He couldn't tie them on top of the car because that was reserved for his period accurate flag pole. Instead he shoved them down between the seats and the door and impaled the speakers. It wasn't even just once he did it multiple times. Step three was jamming the sky lights. When we first got it you could open the window covering and just look up at the sky with out actually opening the window. He jammed it so that it only opened when he opened the window. Step four was the cup holders. Not an overly important part, but none the less annoying. In the back seat the cup holders folded down. They got misaligned slightly so they were jammed. Instead of realigning them or fixing them in anyway like a normal person would, he just ripped them out.
THE TECHNOLOGY MURDERERS
MY MOM
My mom isn't as much of an issue as the rest of my family, but on occasion she gets to thinking that she's knows more than she does and usually causes more problems.
MY DAD
Refuses to learn how to properly use something. He just destroys it instead or asks people at ungodly hours to do it for him.
MY YOUNGER SISTER
Knows what she is doing, but technology just absolutely refuses to work properly for her.
MY GRANDMA
Usually has a pretty good idea of what she's doing, but on occasion gets confused about what is what and will have something running that she doesn't need or want.
P.S.
THE VACUUM CLEANER
As soon as I first posted this I went downstairs to vacuum like my mom asked. I changed the bag then when I went to turn it on again nothing happened. The light still worked but the vacuum made not even the slightest attempt to suck anything up. And now that I think about it I have had several vacuum cleaners quit while I was using them. I guess that I'm just not meant to clean.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Beowulf Vs. Dragon Ball
WARNING: Contains an incredible amount of nerd!
Beowulf is one of the more famous epic heroes. At the beginning of the epic poem Beowulf is in his youth. He has incredible strength and fighting skill. From the beginning he's got some pretty bad ass skills and doesn't really have to train much in order to beat the crap out of the giant monster, Grendel.
At the beginning of Dragon Ball, Goku is a tiny little kid that also kicks mega ass. When the series first starts out, Goku, is running all over the place beating the crap out of anything can find. Stuff like giant fish and dinosaurs. He even takes down a car when Bulma nearly runs over him. And he even survives being shot a few times. This kid is pretty much indestructible.
While Beowulf mostly uses his power of freakish strength to kick monster ass, he does so in order to help others. Goku does this too. More than a few times, Goku saves people by beating up some over powered monster/alien person. Beowulf has at least got a whole army of solders to help him out if he needs it. Even if it's just to use as monster bait. Goku on the other hand only has a few random and mostly useless friends that he travels with and rescues often.
Basically everything that happens in the middle of Beowulf's life was deemed as so uneventful that no one cared enough to write it down.The last part of Beowulf is when he's old and wise and some huge ass dragon decides it's a good idea to attack Geatland (Beowulf's country). Beowulf of course has to go and kill this thing, but rather than kick it's ass by himself he tries to enlist the help of his men. His men basically run away like a flock of pigeons and he gets injured then dies after he defeats the monstrous beast.
Dragon Ball Z shows Goku as grown up. He's no longer this tiny little completely oblivious kid. He actually knows what's going on in the world. Goku gets a few more bad ass friends than he previously had and actually works with the to kick some ass, but still does most of it by himself. At some point Goku is killed by one of the many bad guys he fights, but manages to fight his way back to life.
Pretty much both Beowulf and Goku are the perfect heroes, with super strength and fighting skill. They use these extraordinary powers to kick bad guy butt in order to keep peace on earth.
Beowulf is one of the more famous epic heroes. At the beginning of the epic poem Beowulf is in his youth. He has incredible strength and fighting skill. From the beginning he's got some pretty bad ass skills and doesn't really have to train much in order to beat the crap out of the giant monster, Grendel.
At the beginning of Dragon Ball, Goku is a tiny little kid that also kicks mega ass. When the series first starts out, Goku, is running all over the place beating the crap out of anything can find. Stuff like giant fish and dinosaurs. He even takes down a car when Bulma nearly runs over him. And he even survives being shot a few times. This kid is pretty much indestructible.
While Beowulf mostly uses his power of freakish strength to kick monster ass, he does so in order to help others. Goku does this too. More than a few times, Goku saves people by beating up some over powered monster/alien person. Beowulf has at least got a whole army of solders to help him out if he needs it. Even if it's just to use as monster bait. Goku on the other hand only has a few random and mostly useless friends that he travels with and rescues often.
Basically everything that happens in the middle of Beowulf's life was deemed as so uneventful that no one cared enough to write it down.The last part of Beowulf is when he's old and wise and some huge ass dragon decides it's a good idea to attack Geatland (Beowulf's country). Beowulf of course has to go and kill this thing, but rather than kick it's ass by himself he tries to enlist the help of his men. His men basically run away like a flock of pigeons and he gets injured then dies after he defeats the monstrous beast.
Dragon Ball Z shows Goku as grown up. He's no longer this tiny little completely oblivious kid. He actually knows what's going on in the world. Goku gets a few more bad ass friends than he previously had and actually works with the to kick some ass, but still does most of it by himself. At some point Goku is killed by one of the many bad guys he fights, but manages to fight his way back to life.
Pretty much both Beowulf and Goku are the perfect heroes, with super strength and fighting skill. They use these extraordinary powers to kick bad guy butt in order to keep peace on earth.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
The Holidays
In my family, the Holidays are the time of year when we trudge through snow in our backyard looking for the perfect Christmas tree, make candy cane cookies, have guests over for tea, and of course have mindless freak outs. Around the holidays I get yelled at a lot. Today alone, I have been yelled to watch out for the train every time I walked past the tree, yelled at to stop stuffing my face when all was doing was eating one peanut butter cookie, and a few other things that aren't really important.
Last night my sister had a major freak out about decorating the house. While she was trying to put a garland of wooden cranberries on the stairwell. She couldn't find the tape so she freaked out. I gave her ribbon and told her to just tie it. It slipped out of her hand so she freaked out. I had walked away because I was about to go feed the animals so she freaked out and smacked me on the shoulder.
In the next week while me and my sister finish up finals, I'm sure there will be plenty of other freak outs and yelling matches. Some will be about wrapping paper others about garland and ribbon and I'm almost positive there will be more yelling at me because I have the potential to break something.
My family honestly needs to learn the meaning of relax. You don't have to make the garland look perfect. Heck, you don't even have to put it up. The tree looks fine. I won't step on the train. I will not knock the nativity set off of the shelf. Lighting a candle will not burn down the house. And I promise that I will not send my yo-yo flying into the new TV.
Last night my sister had a major freak out about decorating the house. While she was trying to put a garland of wooden cranberries on the stairwell. She couldn't find the tape so she freaked out. I gave her ribbon and told her to just tie it. It slipped out of her hand so she freaked out. I had walked away because I was about to go feed the animals so she freaked out and smacked me on the shoulder.
In the next week while me and my sister finish up finals, I'm sure there will be plenty of other freak outs and yelling matches. Some will be about wrapping paper others about garland and ribbon and I'm almost positive there will be more yelling at me because I have the potential to break something.
My family honestly needs to learn the meaning of relax. You don't have to make the garland look perfect. Heck, you don't even have to put it up. The tree looks fine. I won't step on the train. I will not knock the nativity set off of the shelf. Lighting a candle will not burn down the house. And I promise that I will not send my yo-yo flying into the new TV.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Toys for "Boys"
When I was little, I was a mega tomboy and am still to this day. I played with toy cars more than I played with Barbies (yes I played with Barbies). I watched superhero cartoons like The Justice League or The Fantastic Four. I played with Legos (not the girly sets, I'm talking Alpha Team). Overall I played with "boy's" toys. I had my fair share of dolls and stuffed animals as well, but when asked for new toys, I wanted remote control cars, action figures, swords, light sabers, etc.
I don't really get the difference between "boy" and "girl" toys. Sure pink and dolls are associated with beings a girl, but in kindergarten I had a guy friend who's favorite color was pink, another who played with Barbies, and even one that wanted to be a girl. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for little girls that want to be princesses, but why can't they also want to be knights, or superheroes? Why is a little boy weird because he likes the color pink, but a little girl can like blue without question? Few things drive me crazier than when my cute younger cousins, insist that my blanket with purple and green stripes has to go on top of my Spider-man bedspread because "we're girls."
Why is it a weird concept that a girl can like comic books, video games, and action movies? Why is it even stranger if a boy likes musicals and romantic comedies? Christ people! It doesn't mean anything, just because your little boy likes dolls or your little girl likes action figures!
I don't really get the difference between "boy" and "girl" toys. Sure pink and dolls are associated with beings a girl, but in kindergarten I had a guy friend who's favorite color was pink, another who played with Barbies, and even one that wanted to be a girl. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for little girls that want to be princesses, but why can't they also want to be knights, or superheroes? Why is a little boy weird because he likes the color pink, but a little girl can like blue without question? Few things drive me crazier than when my cute younger cousins, insist that my blanket with purple and green stripes has to go on top of my Spider-man bedspread because "we're girls."
Why is it a weird concept that a girl can like comic books, video games, and action movies? Why is it even stranger if a boy likes musicals and romantic comedies? Christ people! It doesn't mean anything, just because your little boy likes dolls or your little girl likes action figures!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Brainwashed Part II
The values of the world around us change constantly. While the moral, “Be a good person,” stays the same, what it means to be a good person changes over time. The only other moral that remains a constant throughout all the changes in society is that of true love. In most every children’s movie the good guy wins and love prevails (with the exception of the 1980’s The Last Unicorn). No one is willing to teach children that the good guys don’t always win and love doesn’t always work out. By watching television and movies a child can learn all sorts of things about what is acceptable. How does a person learn to be a good person? They learn it from what they are told as well as the world around them.
The 1950’s was an era of being perfect. The children were supposed to be helpful, families didn’t fight, and women were perfect. Even though TV was just getting started back in the nineteen fifties a lot of values can be found in the shows of that period. The children of the fifties grew up with shows like Lassie, Flash Gordon, or The Lone Ranger. They went to go see movies such as Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Lady and the Tramp (movies still commonly watched today). From these movies and shows kids learned all sorts of things. Kids who grew up watching Lassie learned that they should work hard and help out (maybe even warn someone if Jimmy falls down a well). From Lady and the Tramp despite learning that Siamese cats are evil, children learn that even the people on the fringes of society aren’t necessarily that bad, and that a person can change. From Sleeping Beauty and Snow White the girls learned that their prince will come to their rescue, while at the same time boys learned that they should go to their princess’s rescue.
The teenagers of today grew up with slightly less innocent shows. On television they watched Hey Arnold, Pokémon (the original), and Rugrats. In the theater and on VHS they watched The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, and Aladdin. From Hey Arnold they learned that the girl who hates them probably has a hidden shrine of them in her closet. By watching Rugrats we learned the spirit of adventure and that it doesn’t have to be far from home. From almost any Disney film they watched they learned about love. They learned that you shouldn’t judge someone based on their looks from Beauty and the Beast, while at the very same time learning that all young women are beautiful (even if they just got attacked by a pack of wolves). It’s also learned that girls shouldn’t like someone just because all the other perfectly attractive girls in the town (all with blond hair) are going crazy over his biceps. With Aladdin they learned that even a “street rat” can find love, as well as learning from Jasmine that girls shouldn’t just marry the first guy that comes along and asks. From The Little Mermaid they learned that they should always follow their hearts and even when things take a turn for the worst it will all work out. And at the same time it is unintentionally taught that it’s okay to defy their parents in situations of love.
The tiny children of today have very little black and white in their media. They watch films such as Tangled and Megamind. By watching Tangled, children learn that the good guys always win, anyone can find love, and the looks don’t determine the person. The scene in the Snuggly Duckling shows that even the most terrifying looking people can overall be good. This generation of Disney movies is one where the villains don’t always look creepy. With the witch, children see that with a little help a main villain can looks just like any other person. In Megamind the “villain” turns out to be the hero and the “hero” he created turned out to be the villain. That creepy guy holding an axe might just be cutting wood. Same goes for the guy with the chainsaw. That sweet old lady that gives you money for mowing her lawn might actually be plotting to take over the world. The children’s movies of today are all about not judging and realizing that not everything is as it seems.
The older the children’s movie is the less shades of gray there are. In an old film such as the Wizard of Oz the bad guy is clearly defined with the characteristics of hideous green skin, a terrifying laugh and a black robe; while the good guys are defined with light clothing, beauty, and even a magic bubble. As you get closer to the present, the shades of grey increase, in the opening scene of Aladdin, the main character is being chased by the palace guards, but the villain still has a creepy look about him and even a laugh that shows his villainous nature. Get even closer to the present and films such as Despicable Me, where the main character is a villain out to steal the moon. The witch in Tangled only looks creepy when she’s old and even then she doesn’t look and creepier than an average old person. All of sudden villains don’t look like something that crawled out of swamp. They look like normal people or even if they have blue skin (Megamind) they turn out to be a good guy, while the actual hero decided that he wasn’t going to be one anymore because it got boring. No more are the villains required to be creepy looking and the heroes gorgeous.
The overall idea of a moral stays the same, but what makes that moral might change. The ideas true love and being a good person will always be there, but what it means to be a good person and what true love is change constantly. Without a doubt half the ideas a person has about love and morals come from the shows they watched as a small child.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Brainwashed
No matter who you are or what you do at some point in your life you were brainwashed.You are taught how to properly act and react to almost any given situation. You aren't born with a full knowledge of what is socially acceptable. You learn that from the shows you watch as a small child. Either that or by getting yelled at when you do something your not supposed to.
Let's start with cartoons. Everything you watch is imposed with some sort of hidden meaning. (And no I'm not talking about the hidden messages people see in Disney.) By watching cartoons and their reality bending power you learn all sorts of things. Let's start with a movie most everyone has seen at one point or another, Disney's Beauty and the Beast. By watching this one simple movie we learn all sort of things.
1. If there is a short chubby guy that isn't all that bright he will follow around the main villain.
2. The most hansom guy in the town (in fact the only one) will only be interested in the one girl he can't have.
3. Once a woman gets married she becomes plump (or maybe it's just if you're over twenty-five)
4. The dark creepy looking path obviously leads to something bad.
5. You shouldn't like someone just because all the other girls do.
6. The most beautiful guy is conceited.
7. The most beautiful girl is humble.
8. The guy every chick likes has biceps bigger than his head.
9. Inventors have mustaches. (You can blame Einstein for this one)
10. Men are angry and irrational.
11. The flirty guy and the maid will have french accents (no one else will even if you're in France)
12. Beer will make a fire flare up even though it's mostly water.
13. A person who runs an insane asylum will look creepy.
14. Don't judge based on how people look (but always look your best).
15. Don't just say yes to the first guy that asks you to marry him just because everyone else says you should.
A lot of things that pop into your head at first when someone says something are something related to the shows you watched as a kid. If you grew up in my generation, you learned that the girl who always picks on a certain guy probably likes him by watching Hey Arnold. There's also a good chance that if you've ever seen Lady and the Tramp you thought all Siamese cats were evil. Thank God that the more modern Disney movies have the princess go out and find her prince unlike the old ones like Sleeping Beauty and Snow White where he just sort of shows up and saves the day with a kiss. Trust me I love my Disney movies and can sing along with more than one of them, but when you look closely at them you can see a lot of ridiculous piled up in them.
Next time someone mentions something and you automatically have picture in your head just look back to why you picture that specific thing. Chances are it has something that has do with your childhood.
Let's start with cartoons. Everything you watch is imposed with some sort of hidden meaning. (And no I'm not talking about the hidden messages people see in Disney.) By watching cartoons and their reality bending power you learn all sorts of things. Let's start with a movie most everyone has seen at one point or another, Disney's Beauty and the Beast. By watching this one simple movie we learn all sort of things.
1. If there is a short chubby guy that isn't all that bright he will follow around the main villain.
2. The most hansom guy in the town (in fact the only one) will only be interested in the one girl he can't have.
3. Once a woman gets married she becomes plump (or maybe it's just if you're over twenty-five)
4. The dark creepy looking path obviously leads to something bad.
5. You shouldn't like someone just because all the other girls do.
6. The most beautiful guy is conceited.
7. The most beautiful girl is humble.
8. The guy every chick likes has biceps bigger than his head.
9. Inventors have mustaches. (You can blame Einstein for this one)
10. Men are angry and irrational.
11. The flirty guy and the maid will have french accents (no one else will even if you're in France)
12. Beer will make a fire flare up even though it's mostly water.
13. A person who runs an insane asylum will look creepy.
14. Don't judge based on how people look (but always look your best).
15. Don't just say yes to the first guy that asks you to marry him just because everyone else says you should.
A lot of things that pop into your head at first when someone says something are something related to the shows you watched as a kid. If you grew up in my generation, you learned that the girl who always picks on a certain guy probably likes him by watching Hey Arnold. There's also a good chance that if you've ever seen Lady and the Tramp you thought all Siamese cats were evil. Thank God that the more modern Disney movies have the princess go out and find her prince unlike the old ones like Sleeping Beauty and Snow White where he just sort of shows up and saves the day with a kiss. Trust me I love my Disney movies and can sing along with more than one of them, but when you look closely at them you can see a lot of ridiculous piled up in them.
Next time someone mentions something and you automatically have picture in your head just look back to why you picture that specific thing. Chances are it has something that has do with your childhood.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Seriously
On any given day I am perfectly content to blend into the background and do my own thing. I appreciate being left alone, but when I happen to be wearing anything other than normal clothing I don't overly mind it if you say something.
Every year there is spirit week at school and I never dress up, but this year being my senior I decided I'd do something amazing to make up for my complete and other lack of spirit the past three. This year for class clash day I dressed up as the She-hulk. Not some crappy off the rack costume with green sleeves. I freaking painted my self green as well as dye my hair green. Now I did receive quite a few comments on this including one girl who screamed and ran away, but not a single person took a photo for year book. Hell I didn't even end up in the spirit video and when it came time to hand out awards for spirit my name wasn't even on the runner-up list. Apparently I manage to remain mostly invisible even when I look more BA than the Wicked Witch of the West.
Yesterday being Halloween I wore my costume to school (or course). Me and my friends, Caitlin, dressed up as Jesse and James (Team Rocket) from Pokemon. Our costumes were absolutely BA. They were homemade and so much attention detail was put into them that we even made sure to get the slit on their jackets absolutely perfect. Heck we even memorized the entire Team Rocket intro as well as the Pokemon theme song. We actually got a lot of comments on them yet still somehow only our close friends took any pictures.
At the end of the school year when the year books come out. Everyone will sit there and remember how awesome it was that someone painted their self green or the two chicks that dressed up as Team Rocket, but there won't be a single picture of either in there. Instead it will be filled with half a dozen photos of all the popular kids dressed as smurfs. Honestly people take photos all the time of useless things and they even have cameras on their phone, but apparently me making your day (as many people stated) doesn't warrant the taking of a photograph.
Every year there is spirit week at school and I never dress up, but this year being my senior I decided I'd do something amazing to make up for my complete and other lack of spirit the past three. This year for class clash day I dressed up as the She-hulk. Not some crappy off the rack costume with green sleeves. I freaking painted my self green as well as dye my hair green. Now I did receive quite a few comments on this including one girl who screamed and ran away, but not a single person took a photo for year book. Hell I didn't even end up in the spirit video and when it came time to hand out awards for spirit my name wasn't even on the runner-up list. Apparently I manage to remain mostly invisible even when I look more BA than the Wicked Witch of the West.
Yesterday being Halloween I wore my costume to school (or course). Me and my friends, Caitlin, dressed up as Jesse and James (Team Rocket) from Pokemon. Our costumes were absolutely BA. They were homemade and so much attention detail was put into them that we even made sure to get the slit on their jackets absolutely perfect. Heck we even memorized the entire Team Rocket intro as well as the Pokemon theme song. We actually got a lot of comments on them yet still somehow only our close friends took any pictures.
At the end of the school year when the year books come out. Everyone will sit there and remember how awesome it was that someone painted their self green or the two chicks that dressed up as Team Rocket, but there won't be a single picture of either in there. Instead it will be filled with half a dozen photos of all the popular kids dressed as smurfs. Honestly people take photos all the time of useless things and they even have cameras on their phone, but apparently me making your day (as many people stated) doesn't warrant the taking of a photograph.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
The Perfect Ending
Last year during a game of lap tag being played in the dark, my friend Ashley elbowed me in the face and broke my nose. Which caused me to spend a couple hours in the emergency room and made it so I will never forget my seventeenth birthday party. This year I managed to top that.
Yesterday, I had my eighteenth birthday party and several of my friends stayed the night. This morning I needed to give a couple of my friends rides home and managed to do so without a single incident. On my way home I was enjoying myself, listening to the Grateful Dead and of course singing. When I turned onto the road that leads to my house I saw a patch of road that was really washed out because of all the rain we've been having. I slowed down to roughly 20mph, but apparently that wasn't slow enough. I hit the washed out area my tires caught on some gravel and I lost control of the car.
It was a moment of "SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!" going through my head. The car went into the ditch, crashed into the embankment and for a millisecond I though it was over. Then the car started to tip to the left leading to more "SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!" and before I new it I was hanging upside down and had the majority of my Peace Tea dripping down my face while the Grateful Dead continued to play.
Thanks to the wonderful power of adrenaline, I was able to free my left arm from the seat belt and support my body weight on it while I freed myself from the seat belt. Once firmly on the ceiling I opened the car door and stepped out now verbalizing "SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!" I managed to crash in a place where there are three houses only a few feet away, but not a single person was home in either one of them. If I hadn't been able to free myself, I would have been hanging there for a long ass time. I then managed to run the quarter mile uphill to my house and got my parents.
As of right now, I am quite sore, but I can't tell what is from running a quarter mile, what is from the actual crash, and what is from rock climbing yesterday. The only injury I am certain where it came from is the bruise on my shin that is from me colliding with the corner of the stage during play practice on Friday.
As a final consensus, I think next year I'm not going to have a party because quite frankly I don't want to top this years.
Yesterday, I had my eighteenth birthday party and several of my friends stayed the night. This morning I needed to give a couple of my friends rides home and managed to do so without a single incident. On my way home I was enjoying myself, listening to the Grateful Dead and of course singing. When I turned onto the road that leads to my house I saw a patch of road that was really washed out because of all the rain we've been having. I slowed down to roughly 20mph, but apparently that wasn't slow enough. I hit the washed out area my tires caught on some gravel and I lost control of the car.
It was a moment of "SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!" going through my head. The car went into the ditch, crashed into the embankment and for a millisecond I though it was over. Then the car started to tip to the left leading to more "SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!" and before I new it I was hanging upside down and had the majority of my Peace Tea dripping down my face while the Grateful Dead continued to play.
Thanks to the wonderful power of adrenaline, I was able to free my left arm from the seat belt and support my body weight on it while I freed myself from the seat belt. Once firmly on the ceiling I opened the car door and stepped out now verbalizing "SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!" I managed to crash in a place where there are three houses only a few feet away, but not a single person was home in either one of them. If I hadn't been able to free myself, I would have been hanging there for a long ass time. I then managed to run the quarter mile uphill to my house and got my parents.
As of right now, I am quite sore, but I can't tell what is from running a quarter mile, what is from the actual crash, and what is from rock climbing yesterday. The only injury I am certain where it came from is the bruise on my shin that is from me colliding with the corner of the stage during play practice on Friday.
As a final consensus, I think next year I'm not going to have a party because quite frankly I don't want to top this years.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Why Zeus Hates Me
A couple summers ago, I went camping with my girl scout troop down below where we keep our horses. We camped for three days and it rained for all three days. The first night we got to chase cows back into their pin because they escaped. It's always fun to be drenched while chasing cows in the dark. the next day when walking up to the house for breakfast it started to rain again and me being my nerdy self decided to yell, "KNOCK IT OFF, ZEUS!" As soon as I said that it started pelting hail. Ever since that weather has not been my friend.
i.e. Today during last period there was a massive thunder clap, but when we got outside it was nice and sunny, but then as soon as play practice was about to end it started hailing.
i.e. Last Fourth of July when Me and my friend Fallom had to go outside to feed the cows and horses. It was bucketing rain before we went out, but as soon as we went out there it started to hail. After ducking under a tree for a couple minutes it stopped and we proceded. Then it started hailing again. This process happened several times before we were able to finish.
i.e. Today during last period there was a massive thunder clap, but when we got outside it was nice and sunny, but then as soon as play practice was about to end it started hailing.
i.e. Last Fourth of July when Me and my friend Fallom had to go outside to feed the cows and horses. It was bucketing rain before we went out, but as soon as we went out there it started to hail. After ducking under a tree for a couple minutes it stopped and we proceded. Then it started hailing again. This process happened several times before we were able to finish.
Official Adult
As of yesterday at 2:14pm, I am an official adult.
The original plan was to go out to eat, but thanks to Zeus' undeniable hatred for me, there were flash floods and power outages. Needless to say we didn't go out to eat. Instead we bought Papa Murphy's pizza, went home and baked it. Then I convinced my whole family to watch the dorkiest kid musical I could possibly think of, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
While I can now buy porn, cigarettes and scratch tickets, my money will most likely be spent on completing my Pokemon card collection (I only collect first and second gen. because lets face it all the others suck), or filling my bookshelf with more manga, or heck maybe even buying a few Dr. Seuss books I don't have. Trust me turning eighteen is totally wasted except in my ability to vote, drive as many people as there are seat belts in my car and my ability to stay out past midnight without breaking the law.
The original plan was to go out to eat, but thanks to Zeus' undeniable hatred for me, there were flash floods and power outages. Needless to say we didn't go out to eat. Instead we bought Papa Murphy's pizza, went home and baked it. Then I convinced my whole family to watch the dorkiest kid musical I could possibly think of, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
While I can now buy porn, cigarettes and scratch tickets, my money will most likely be spent on completing my Pokemon card collection (I only collect first and second gen. because lets face it all the others suck), or filling my bookshelf with more manga, or heck maybe even buying a few Dr. Seuss books I don't have. Trust me turning eighteen is totally wasted except in my ability to vote, drive as many people as there are seat belts in my car and my ability to stay out past midnight without breaking the law.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Dad-isms
Everyone has phrases they say all the time. Here are a few of my Dad's most famous statements:
1. "You might learn somethin'."
Usually headed with a "sit down" or "come here", my dad uses this whenever he is watching, doing, or talking about anything he finds interesting and you happen ask him what he's doing.
2. "That's as useful as tits on a boar hog!"
Used whenever my dad thinks anything is useless.
3. "I can read the horses ears."
Said whenever my dad thinks someone is agitated about something.
4. "Hellope?"
How my dad answers the telephone.
5. "I need your help with something. It will only take a few minutes."
Can mean: "I need your help moving this incredible heavy antique." "I need you to help me do this obnoxious/tedious job that will take at least twenty minutes probably more." "I need your help and it will take just a moment, but I will have you stand/sit there while I lecture you about history or something else you don't care about."
6. "What did you say?!"
He has blasted to bits his ear drums through reenacting and other loud activities (most involving guns). Never actually has hearing problems when you say something your not supposed to.
7. "It's Scarlett O'Hara time!"
This is a song my dad made up and sings whenever anyone pouts. He just repeats that line to a tune until whoever's pouting stomps off or laughs.
8. "I got to go pee, because I drank to much tea."
Another one of my dad's songs. This one is reserved for long car rides when you say you need to use the restroom. Although on occasion he will sing it when you get up to use the restroom in the middle of dinner.
These are just few or his many catchphrases. I'm pretty sure he has a few more farm metaphors, but as of right now I can't think of them.
1. "You might learn somethin'."
Usually headed with a "sit down" or "come here", my dad uses this whenever he is watching, doing, or talking about anything he finds interesting and you happen ask him what he's doing.
2. "That's as useful as tits on a boar hog!"
Used whenever my dad thinks anything is useless.
3. "I can read the horses ears."
Said whenever my dad thinks someone is agitated about something.
4. "Hellope?"
How my dad answers the telephone.
5. "I need your help with something. It will only take a few minutes."
Can mean: "I need your help moving this incredible heavy antique." "I need you to help me do this obnoxious/tedious job that will take at least twenty minutes probably more." "I need your help and it will take just a moment, but I will have you stand/sit there while I lecture you about history or something else you don't care about."
6. "What did you say?!"
He has blasted to bits his ear drums through reenacting and other loud activities (most involving guns). Never actually has hearing problems when you say something your not supposed to.
7. "It's Scarlett O'Hara time!"
This is a song my dad made up and sings whenever anyone pouts. He just repeats that line to a tune until whoever's pouting stomps off or laughs.
8. "I got to go pee, because I drank to much tea."
Another one of my dad's songs. This one is reserved for long car rides when you say you need to use the restroom. Although on occasion he will sing it when you get up to use the restroom in the middle of dinner.
These are just few or his many catchphrases. I'm pretty sure he has a few more farm metaphors, but as of right now I can't think of them.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
SURPRISE! I Was in The Neighborhood So I Stopped By For A Quick Snack.
People are often surprised. It can simply be someone came in a room too quietly and freaked you out when they said something. Or it can be something such as you hear some clanging around and find a bear sitting in your garage eating trash. The latter is what happened to my family on Thursday night. The garage door was left open and Mr Bear decided it was dinner time and berries just wouldn't cut it.
Let it be known that my family's garage is by far not the most organized nor the easiest to navigate. This bear was hungry enough to climb over an antique, cast iron bath tub just to get to the trash cans in the back. Well when my parents discovered he was in the garage they of course had to get him out, so they scared him off. He then scrambled back over the bathtub in a very Winnie the Pooh type fashion and proceeded to walk up our sidewalk. Now you can't have a bear on the sidewalk, so my dad fired his rifle. At the gun blast the bear then booked it up the hill.
Whenever our family comes to visit they always state how lucky we are that we get to see so much wildlife and truth is we are. But the luck sort of runs out when you happen to be close enough to give a bear a hug.
Let it be known that my family's garage is by far not the most organized nor the easiest to navigate. This bear was hungry enough to climb over an antique, cast iron bath tub just to get to the trash cans in the back. Well when my parents discovered he was in the garage they of course had to get him out, so they scared him off. He then scrambled back over the bathtub in a very Winnie the Pooh type fashion and proceeded to walk up our sidewalk. Now you can't have a bear on the sidewalk, so my dad fired his rifle. At the gun blast the bear then booked it up the hill.
Whenever our family comes to visit they always state how lucky we are that we get to see so much wildlife and truth is we are. But the luck sort of runs out when you happen to be close enough to give a bear a hug.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Useless Facts
Everyone knows at least one useless fact that will most likely never benefit them in anyways, but they still enjoy saying it whenever they get a chance. It is people who happen to know way to many of these these things that end up on game shows and win tons of cash. I know my fair share of pointless facts, but they tend to be all centralized. If I were to end up on a game show most of the questions would have to be about comic books or cartoons otherwise I'd go home having completely wasted my time.
Most all the random facts i know will never come up in normal conversations and some of them are just random facts made up by me and my friends. Some of which are:
1. Singing makes you teleport.
2. ABS! doesn't exist on certain dimensional planes.
3.Super Jack The Ripper and Castration Superman are the worlds two most ruthless supervillians.
4. There is always a cape that is appropriate for your purposes.
5. All French teachers have signed a secret decree to be oblivious to what goes on in their class.
6. How to properly grade a baby.
7. How to blow someone up from the inside using gun powder and matches.
8.Only people who actually use their locker will get one that everyone stands in front of to make out.
9. A cramp in your toe can keep you from doing many things, including going to Hell.
Most all the random facts i know will never come up in normal conversations and some of them are just random facts made up by me and my friends. Some of which are:
1. Singing makes you teleport.
2. ABS! doesn't exist on certain dimensional planes.
3.Super Jack The Ripper and Castration Superman are the worlds two most ruthless supervillians.
4. There is always a cape that is appropriate for your purposes.
5. All French teachers have signed a secret decree to be oblivious to what goes on in their class.
6. How to properly grade a baby.
7. How to blow someone up from the inside using gun powder and matches.
8.Only people who actually use their locker will get one that everyone stands in front of to make out.
9. A cramp in your toe can keep you from doing many things, including going to Hell.
Monday, August 29, 2011
How to Dodge Flying Objects
At one point or another everyone ends up having something thrown at them. Whether it be accidentally or intentionally. Here are some tips to avoid getting hit with the thing.
1.Never insult anyone who has a good throwing arm.
2. Never Insult someone who is standing next to an object that can easily be thrown.
3.Learn to duck.
4.Learn to jump.
5. Learn to sidestep.
6.Don't throw something first.
7. Just don't insult anybody or make anybody mad. I know this is hard, but believe me the blood saved will make it all worth it (in most cases).
1.Never insult anyone who has a good throwing arm.
2. Never Insult someone who is standing next to an object that can easily be thrown.
3.Learn to duck.
4.Learn to jump.
5. Learn to sidestep.
6.Don't throw something first.
7. Just don't insult anybody or make anybody mad. I know this is hard, but believe me the blood saved will make it all worth it (in most cases).
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Bear-a-lope
Everyone has heard of a jack-a-lope, the cute little rabbit with antlers. But very few people have heard of the bear-a-lope. It is an above average sized bear with antlers on top of its head. The last reported sighting was in my back yard by my cousins. Since the bear-a-lope population seems to be returning here are a few things you should know in case you ever encounter one.
1. Where dirty or smelly clothes when hiking. Bear-a-lopes are naturally repelled by the scent of human body odor.
2. If you encounter a bear-a-lope run away as fast as you can the whole time while screaming loudly.
3. As you run away it is helpful to throw food to distract the bear-a-lope from you, but don't throw inedible items because this will cause the bear-a-lope to chase you in an effort to return the object.
4. Climb a tree if there happens to be one nearby. Bear-a-lopes can't climb trees because their antlers get caught on the branches.
5. Never play dead. A bear-a-lope will eat you thinking that you are an easy snack.
6. If a bear-a-lope wraps it's paws around you it probably just wants a hug and will not let go of you until you give it one.
Bear-a-lopes are generally gentle creatures, but they can cause some serious harm. They are always looking for a snack or a hug so beware when one gets close.
1. Where dirty or smelly clothes when hiking. Bear-a-lopes are naturally repelled by the scent of human body odor.
2. If you encounter a bear-a-lope run away as fast as you can the whole time while screaming loudly.
3. As you run away it is helpful to throw food to distract the bear-a-lope from you, but don't throw inedible items because this will cause the bear-a-lope to chase you in an effort to return the object.
4. Climb a tree if there happens to be one nearby. Bear-a-lopes can't climb trees because their antlers get caught on the branches.
5. Never play dead. A bear-a-lope will eat you thinking that you are an easy snack.
6. If a bear-a-lope wraps it's paws around you it probably just wants a hug and will not let go of you until you give it one.
Bear-a-lopes are generally gentle creatures, but they can cause some serious harm. They are always looking for a snack or a hug so beware when one gets close.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Wonderful World of Dork Sports
So school starts in a little less than a week. This means that laptag season is coming to a close and the season for volley carton and tote kinder begins. Here are the official rules for the sports we play.
Laptag
Must have at least five players otherwise don't even bother playing.
One person stands in the center and everyone else pairs up. Once you have a partner, you sit one partner in front of the other. The person in front will be trying to tag the person who stands in the center while the person in back tries to stop them from doing so. The person in the center will call the people who are in front to come and tag him/her.
When the person in the center gets tagged, the round is over and the person that tagged them is that person's partner and the person that was partners with the tagger is now in the center. All the people who are paired up now switch places. The person who was in back is now in front and vise versa.
Warning: This game can get seriously violent when people get into it. So protect your face.
Volley Carton
Can have any number of players, but if you have at least two it's actually fun.
All you need is an empty school lunch sized milk carton.
All players sit in a circle. One person tosses the carton up and everyone tries to keep it from hitting the ground.
That's all there is to it. There is no actuall way of winning the game, but it is quite likely you might get hit if you are the one to let it hit the ground.
Warning: When diving be aware of you surroundings.
ABS!!!
This is one of the strangest sports we play.
The first stage of this is simply abs. When someone lifts up their shirt just far enough that you can see their stomach while they yell, "abs," you must run backwards until you collide with the next solid object. If the person you are absing does abs at the same time a you the original abs was canceled out. This brings us to stage two.
Stage two is unicorns. You turn around and expose your lower back while yelling, "unicorns" and it has the same effect as abs. If two people unicorn at the same time the unicorn is canceled out and you move on to stage three.
Stage three is pelvic thrust. You turn back around and face you opponent. You do a pelvic thrust (if you don't know what that is watch Rocky Horror Picture Show) while yelling, "pelvic thrust" once again having the same effect as abs. If two pelvic thrusts are done simultaneously then the pelvic thrust is canceled and you start over back at abs.
Warning: This game looks and sounds very strange to passersby so beware.
Tote Kinder
The name of this sport is German for "Dead Children." It was named this after the vice principle yelled at us to stop playing it.
Can be played with two or more people.
The object of this game is to either knock down you opponent(s) or remove their shoes.
The only guidelines are:
1. You can't use your hands.
2. If you get knocked down or loose a shoe you are out.
3. You are not allowed to retie or reposition your shoes once the came has begun.
Warning: While playing this game we have been accused of dancing as well as gotten it banned to the point where if any teacher sees us playing it they are supposed to send us straight to the office.
Soccer Carton
Need at least two players.
This is a spin off of volley carton. It's usually played in the hallway where we choose two doors as goals.
The same rules of normal soccer apply. The only difference is not even the goalie can use their hands.
Warning; Teachers don't really like it if you play soccer outside their classroom door.
The Letter Game
Need two players or more.
Not so much a sport as an excuse to punch each other.
One letter from the alphabet is chosen. If any of the players pronounce this letter aloud they get punched in the arm by the other players.
This game is usually only played by my friends during CSAP week.
Warning: You will get massive bruises on your arm(s).
Laptag
Must have at least five players otherwise don't even bother playing.
One person stands in the center and everyone else pairs up. Once you have a partner, you sit one partner in front of the other. The person in front will be trying to tag the person who stands in the center while the person in back tries to stop them from doing so. The person in the center will call the people who are in front to come and tag him/her.
When the person in the center gets tagged, the round is over and the person that tagged them is that person's partner and the person that was partners with the tagger is now in the center. All the people who are paired up now switch places. The person who was in back is now in front and vise versa.
Warning: This game can get seriously violent when people get into it. So protect your face.
Volley Carton
Can have any number of players, but if you have at least two it's actually fun.
All you need is an empty school lunch sized milk carton.
All players sit in a circle. One person tosses the carton up and everyone tries to keep it from hitting the ground.
That's all there is to it. There is no actuall way of winning the game, but it is quite likely you might get hit if you are the one to let it hit the ground.
Warning: When diving be aware of you surroundings.
ABS!!!
This is one of the strangest sports we play.
The first stage of this is simply abs. When someone lifts up their shirt just far enough that you can see their stomach while they yell, "abs," you must run backwards until you collide with the next solid object. If the person you are absing does abs at the same time a you the original abs was canceled out. This brings us to stage two.
Stage two is unicorns. You turn around and expose your lower back while yelling, "unicorns" and it has the same effect as abs. If two people unicorn at the same time the unicorn is canceled out and you move on to stage three.
Stage three is pelvic thrust. You turn back around and face you opponent. You do a pelvic thrust (if you don't know what that is watch Rocky Horror Picture Show) while yelling, "pelvic thrust" once again having the same effect as abs. If two pelvic thrusts are done simultaneously then the pelvic thrust is canceled and you start over back at abs.
Warning: This game looks and sounds very strange to passersby so beware.
Tote Kinder
The name of this sport is German for "Dead Children." It was named this after the vice principle yelled at us to stop playing it.
Can be played with two or more people.
The object of this game is to either knock down you opponent(s) or remove their shoes.
The only guidelines are:
1. You can't use your hands.
2. If you get knocked down or loose a shoe you are out.
3. You are not allowed to retie or reposition your shoes once the came has begun.
Warning: While playing this game we have been accused of dancing as well as gotten it banned to the point where if any teacher sees us playing it they are supposed to send us straight to the office.
Soccer Carton
Need at least two players.
This is a spin off of volley carton. It's usually played in the hallway where we choose two doors as goals.
The same rules of normal soccer apply. The only difference is not even the goalie can use their hands.
Warning; Teachers don't really like it if you play soccer outside their classroom door.
The Letter Game
Need two players or more.
Not so much a sport as an excuse to punch each other.
One letter from the alphabet is chosen. If any of the players pronounce this letter aloud they get punched in the arm by the other players.
This game is usually only played by my friends during CSAP week.
Warning: You will get massive bruises on your arm(s).
Monday, August 15, 2011
Laws of Facial Hair
Despite what people say unacceptable facial hair is the number one problem in the world. There should be a facial hair police. Here are the guidelines created by me and my friends about what facial hair is acceptable and what isn't.
It's acceptable if:
1. It makes you look like:
A Dictator
A Pirate
A Ship Captain
Jesus
A Wizard
A Potential Dictator
Abraham Lincoln
A Pharaoh
2. You are:
A Wizard
Santa
Tom Seleck
All other facial hair is unacceptable. If you happen to be in the process of growing your facial hair to look like a certain acceptable form of facial hair then you should be required to hold an unacceptable facial hair permit.
It's acceptable if:
1. It makes you look like:
A Dictator
A Pirate
A Ship Captain
Jesus
A Wizard
A Potential Dictator
Abraham Lincoln
A Pharaoh
2. You are:
A Wizard
Santa
Tom Seleck
All other facial hair is unacceptable. If you happen to be in the process of growing your facial hair to look like a certain acceptable form of facial hair then you should be required to hold an unacceptable facial hair permit.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Purgatory
Fifty bucks says that purgatory is just one massive DMV. You just sit there and wait for your chance to prove that you can go somewhere.
Today I spent two hours in purgatory in order to get my license. Despite waiting, I learned a couple somewhat interesting and random facts.
1. Gold fish have 96 chromosomes.
2. Never read Jaws before traveling to the ocean.
3. Human plasma is yellow.
4. Tornadoes are most likely to occur from 5-6pm.
5. Tornadoes are least likely to occur from 4-5am.
6. Mello Yellow (the soda) says on the bottle "Doesn't Contain Juice" when in the ingredients it has orange juice concentrate as the third ingredient.
7. My dad can find a fellow history buff to talk to anywhere.
8. If you have to catch a flight, but you have to pee, hold it.
9. Ex hippies always have something interesting to say.
I learned part of this from a lady that sat next to me, part from the marquee they have filled with trivia questions and statements trying to convince you to be an organ donor, part from being bored and reading the ingredients on my soda, and part from just sitting next to my dad.
After all this, I was then called for my driving test. I passed and am now a licensed driver in the state of Colorado.
Today I spent two hours in purgatory in order to get my license. Despite waiting, I learned a couple somewhat interesting and random facts.
1. Gold fish have 96 chromosomes.
2. Never read Jaws before traveling to the ocean.
3. Human plasma is yellow.
4. Tornadoes are most likely to occur from 5-6pm.
5. Tornadoes are least likely to occur from 4-5am.
6. Mello Yellow (the soda) says on the bottle "Doesn't Contain Juice" when in the ingredients it has orange juice concentrate as the third ingredient.
7. My dad can find a fellow history buff to talk to anywhere.
8. If you have to catch a flight, but you have to pee, hold it.
9. Ex hippies always have something interesting to say.
I learned part of this from a lady that sat next to me, part from the marquee they have filled with trivia questions and statements trying to convince you to be an organ donor, part from being bored and reading the ingredients on my soda, and part from just sitting next to my dad.
After all this, I was then called for my driving test. I passed and am now a licensed driver in the state of Colorado.
Monday, August 8, 2011
The Law of 3s
People don't seem to know when to give up. As far as I see it, if you don't get any closer after three tries your wasting your time. If at first you don't succeed by all means try again, but when you've tried three times and have gotten no farther then you're not going to get any farther then you did before. There's a difference between will power and just being stubborn.
When people start asking someone to do something they tend to keep asking until they get the answer they want. If the person who is being asked is stubborn, once you get past three tries you don't stand a chance of getting a yes. They will stop even considering your question and will just start denying you on principal.
If that girl you like won't say yes after three tries she's not interested. Coming up with flashier or more creative ways of asking her will not make her anymore likely to say yes. You'll just start to look like a creep.
When you're trying to beat a game, if you play the same level three and get no closer to beating it give up. At least for the moment being you're not going to get any better at it by being killed by the same alien thirty times. Take a break come back in a couple hours or better yet a couple days. Chances are when you sit back down after doing something else you'll no longer be frustrated and can blast that alien to bits without a second thought.
If by the third time you don't get any closer give up, take a break and try again later. Chances are you might get somewhere if you take a break for a little while.
When people start asking someone to do something they tend to keep asking until they get the answer they want. If the person who is being asked is stubborn, once you get past three tries you don't stand a chance of getting a yes. They will stop even considering your question and will just start denying you on principal.
If that girl you like won't say yes after three tries she's not interested. Coming up with flashier or more creative ways of asking her will not make her anymore likely to say yes. You'll just start to look like a creep.
When you're trying to beat a game, if you play the same level three and get no closer to beating it give up. At least for the moment being you're not going to get any better at it by being killed by the same alien thirty times. Take a break come back in a couple hours or better yet a couple days. Chances are when you sit back down after doing something else you'll no longer be frustrated and can blast that alien to bits without a second thought.
If by the third time you don't get any closer give up, take a break and try again later. Chances are you might get somewhere if you take a break for a little while.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Ways in Which I Get Injured
Being a klutz is one thing most kids grow out of once they grow into their feet. I either have outgrown my feet or some invisible creature is really enjoying themselves. Despite years of ballet, figure skating, Scottish dance, and gymnastics as a small child, I seamed to have avoided all grace attempts made by my parents. My two sisters however managed to bypass the wonderful world of Klutz. I am living proof that putting your daughter in ballet as soon as she can walk will not make her any less clumsy.
Ways in which I've been injured:
1. Broke my right collar bone by falling out of my booster seat to the left side.
2. Broke my left collar bone by crashing into the stove which was on my right side.
3. Pulled my shoulder out of it's socket by picking up a wool blanket
4. Sprained my ankle on the fourth of July and don't have a clue how it happened.
5. Did a perfect trip fall and cartoon slide on my face down the ramp in the school auditorium.
6. Got elbowed in the face playing laptag (see Slang) at my seventeenth birthday party and broke my nose.
7. Accidentally got punched in the face while sitting on my friends couch at his eighteenth birthday party. This re-broke my nose and straightened it after I broke it at my seventeenth birthday party.
8. Dislocated my collar bone playing volley carton (see Slang).
9. Walked into the same pole three days in a row all three times while my friend was telling me to watch out for it.
10. Fell down the stairs on Christmas morning while carrying my cat. (resulted in a bruised butt as well as several claw marks)
11. While climbing on the bathroom sink to get something I couldn't reach in the medicine cabinet, I fell off and scraped my stomach on the corner of the sink.
12. While climbing a tree, the branch broke and I slid down the tree ripping my pants, underwear and shirt on the jagged nub of a branch that was left.
13. Received a black eye from the table when my dad tried to push in the chair I was sitting on. I was sitting on the edge and it flipped forward causing me to smack my face on the corner of the table.
14. Was sitting outside having a picnic with my family and when it started to rain. A rain drop fell into my cup right as I took a drink causing lemonade to splash into my eye.
15. On the fourth of July a piece of a firework landed on my foot catching my shoe on fire. The guy next to me stomped on my foot and put the fire out.
16. My hair caught fire when I got to close to a candle while the power was out. (one of the reasons I don't have long hair anymore)
17. Hit the oven mitt off the top of the oven when taking out a lasagna, thus lighting it on fire.
18. Hit my bare hand off the top of the oven while taking foil off the top of a lasagna.
19. Almost dropped the lasagna, but gained control of it without having to catch it with my bare hand. I then sat it down on the counter and accidentally bumped my bare hand on the corner of the pan.
20. While playing with my cat her claw went up my nose and ripped through the outside of my nostril.
21. Burned my hand by accidentally grabbing the hot part of the hotdog roaster.
22. The legs of the stool I was sitting on suddenly gave way launching me backwards into the closet door which I then broke with my freakishly hard head.
23. Crashed into my friend, flipped over her shoulder and landed head first on cement. I received a lump on the head and the cement was cracked.
24. Broke my glasses by putting my hand on the side of my head during math class. (not technically an injury, but still quite ridiculous)
25. Got pegged in the face by a basket ball three times in one fifteen minute game of catch. (resulted in broken glasses)
26. Sprained my pinky on a friends jacket while playing tag.
27. Bruised my ribs when a friend flopped on my stomach.
28. Crashed into my grandpa's station wagon while sledding.
29.Crashed my bicycle while trying to teach my little sister how to ride. (resulted in her never trying to ride one again)
30. While playing kickball during gym class I got elbowed in the jaw and was sent skidding back a good three feet. Thanks to the sprained jaw I received, I can no longer chew gum. Also my jaw can only open half as far as before and it clicks when I do so.
31. Jammed my knee cap by smacking my knee off of the trunk in my algebra teacher's classroom.
32. Scraped the side of my neck on a branch while falling out of a tree (oddly enough received no other injury).
33. Older sister accidentally slammed a car door on my fingers.
34. Took a chunk of flesh out of the side of my foot by stepping on the edge of a broken bolt on my grandma's doll buggy.
35. Stepped on a rusty coat hanger which went into my foot a good inch.
36. I constantly hit my head off the cupboard above the stove. It's at the perfect location where I collide with it at least once a week.
37. I have a lightning bolt scar on my right pinky because during a water fight my sister accidentally shoved a broken glass into my finger when I stuck my hand up to keep from getting splashed in the face.
38. I did a belly flop on my deck by falling off the railing I was trying to sit on.
39. I had to run to catch the bus with a brake drum in my bag. It was banging against my knee which swelled up to twice its size. (I had the brake drum because I was supposed to use it as a musical instrument in a band competition the next day.)
40. Slid into a nearby wall while playing Duck Duck Goose. (Note: This didn't occur when I was little, but only a few weeks ago at my friends eighteenth birthday party.)
I have injured myself many more times but these just happen to be the most ridiculous of them. I of course do everyday clumsy thing such as break dishes, stub my toe, trip, etc. If I were to list all my injuries we'd be here for quite a long while seeing as I injure myself in minor ways almost everyday.
Ways in which I've been injured:
1. Broke my right collar bone by falling out of my booster seat to the left side.
2. Broke my left collar bone by crashing into the stove which was on my right side.
3. Pulled my shoulder out of it's socket by picking up a wool blanket
4. Sprained my ankle on the fourth of July and don't have a clue how it happened.
5. Did a perfect trip fall and cartoon slide on my face down the ramp in the school auditorium.
6. Got elbowed in the face playing laptag (see Slang) at my seventeenth birthday party and broke my nose.
7. Accidentally got punched in the face while sitting on my friends couch at his eighteenth birthday party. This re-broke my nose and straightened it after I broke it at my seventeenth birthday party.
8. Dislocated my collar bone playing volley carton (see Slang).
9. Walked into the same pole three days in a row all three times while my friend was telling me to watch out for it.
10. Fell down the stairs on Christmas morning while carrying my cat. (resulted in a bruised butt as well as several claw marks)
11. While climbing on the bathroom sink to get something I couldn't reach in the medicine cabinet, I fell off and scraped my stomach on the corner of the sink.
12. While climbing a tree, the branch broke and I slid down the tree ripping my pants, underwear and shirt on the jagged nub of a branch that was left.
13. Received a black eye from the table when my dad tried to push in the chair I was sitting on. I was sitting on the edge and it flipped forward causing me to smack my face on the corner of the table.
14. Was sitting outside having a picnic with my family and when it started to rain. A rain drop fell into my cup right as I took a drink causing lemonade to splash into my eye.
15. On the fourth of July a piece of a firework landed on my foot catching my shoe on fire. The guy next to me stomped on my foot and put the fire out.
16. My hair caught fire when I got to close to a candle while the power was out. (one of the reasons I don't have long hair anymore)
17. Hit the oven mitt off the top of the oven when taking out a lasagna, thus lighting it on fire.
18. Hit my bare hand off the top of the oven while taking foil off the top of a lasagna.
19. Almost dropped the lasagna, but gained control of it without having to catch it with my bare hand. I then sat it down on the counter and accidentally bumped my bare hand on the corner of the pan.
20. While playing with my cat her claw went up my nose and ripped through the outside of my nostril.
21. Burned my hand by accidentally grabbing the hot part of the hotdog roaster.
22. The legs of the stool I was sitting on suddenly gave way launching me backwards into the closet door which I then broke with my freakishly hard head.
23. Crashed into my friend, flipped over her shoulder and landed head first on cement. I received a lump on the head and the cement was cracked.
24. Broke my glasses by putting my hand on the side of my head during math class. (not technically an injury, but still quite ridiculous)
25. Got pegged in the face by a basket ball three times in one fifteen minute game of catch. (resulted in broken glasses)
26. Sprained my pinky on a friends jacket while playing tag.
27. Bruised my ribs when a friend flopped on my stomach.
28. Crashed into my grandpa's station wagon while sledding.
29.Crashed my bicycle while trying to teach my little sister how to ride. (resulted in her never trying to ride one again)
30. While playing kickball during gym class I got elbowed in the jaw and was sent skidding back a good three feet. Thanks to the sprained jaw I received, I can no longer chew gum. Also my jaw can only open half as far as before and it clicks when I do so.
31. Jammed my knee cap by smacking my knee off of the trunk in my algebra teacher's classroom.
32. Scraped the side of my neck on a branch while falling out of a tree (oddly enough received no other injury).
33. Older sister accidentally slammed a car door on my fingers.
34. Took a chunk of flesh out of the side of my foot by stepping on the edge of a broken bolt on my grandma's doll buggy.
35. Stepped on a rusty coat hanger which went into my foot a good inch.
36. I constantly hit my head off the cupboard above the stove. It's at the perfect location where I collide with it at least once a week.
37. I have a lightning bolt scar on my right pinky because during a water fight my sister accidentally shoved a broken glass into my finger when I stuck my hand up to keep from getting splashed in the face.
38. I did a belly flop on my deck by falling off the railing I was trying to sit on.
39. I had to run to catch the bus with a brake drum in my bag. It was banging against my knee which swelled up to twice its size. (I had the brake drum because I was supposed to use it as a musical instrument in a band competition the next day.)
40. Slid into a nearby wall while playing Duck Duck Goose. (Note: This didn't occur when I was little, but only a few weeks ago at my friends eighteenth birthday party.)
I have injured myself many more times but these just happen to be the most ridiculous of them. I of course do everyday clumsy thing such as break dishes, stub my toe, trip, etc. If I were to list all my injuries we'd be here for quite a long while seeing as I injure myself in minor ways almost everyday.
Friday, August 5, 2011
The Art of Avoiding My Family
During the three months of summer my house becomes infested with aunts, uncles, and cousins. The first of them arrive around the last week of school and the last of them leave 2-4 weeks before school starts. This leaves me with barely enough time, space or sanity to get ready for the on coming school year. To keep my sanity and avoid fights I have this system.
Step 1: Play music only you like. If you play music that your relatives can't stand they naturally avoid the area. The key to this is to play it quiet enough that it can't be heard all over the house, but loud enough that you can only hear people talk to you from the room your stationed in. If you set the volume just right your relatives will not come in to talk to you. When they want something of you they'll try to get your attention by other means which are easily ignorable. If it's important enough they will enter your room anyways to get your attention. (Having to actually go into your room can make them quite angry at times so beware when using this technique.)
Step 2: Avoid entering rooms where there are people. This is by far the most difficult. Since the art of teleportation is imperfect and most of us aren't ninjas this becomes the most difficult part. Most houses have it where you have to go through certain rooms to get to others. The problem with entering rooms with other people in them is that since you are in sight they remember things they wanted to ask you or have you do. By entering these rooms you can get caught in unwanted conversations or lectures and you can end up a lackey, getting drinks for someone because they saw you enter the kitchen, taking out the trash, etc.
Step 3: Don't enter or stay in any room where an argument is brewing. If you are already in a room when you sense an argument starting get out ASAP. You don't want to be stuck in a room with a fight in progress. Eventually someone will ask your opinion on something, thus dragging you in against your will. You can sense a fight brewing if voices start to get raised, they start clenching their fists, etc. The other part to this is to not enter a room where an argument is in progress. You can make an argument worse by entering at the wrong moment. In some cases you will get dragged in and there's a good chance you won't be coming out unscathed.
MAC (my dad's sister) has an uncanny ability to enter an argument at the worse possible moment. Instead of just leaving arguments alone or even trying to defuse them, she will step part way into the room make a passive aggressive comment that has very little to do with the argument and step out increasing the anger of the people fighting. THIS IS A BAD IDEA DON'T EVER DO IT!
WARNING: These techniques have only been proven to work on my family so use caution when attempting on yours.
Step 1: Play music only you like. If you play music that your relatives can't stand they naturally avoid the area. The key to this is to play it quiet enough that it can't be heard all over the house, but loud enough that you can only hear people talk to you from the room your stationed in. If you set the volume just right your relatives will not come in to talk to you. When they want something of you they'll try to get your attention by other means which are easily ignorable. If it's important enough they will enter your room anyways to get your attention. (Having to actually go into your room can make them quite angry at times so beware when using this technique.)
Step 2: Avoid entering rooms where there are people. This is by far the most difficult. Since the art of teleportation is imperfect and most of us aren't ninjas this becomes the most difficult part. Most houses have it where you have to go through certain rooms to get to others. The problem with entering rooms with other people in them is that since you are in sight they remember things they wanted to ask you or have you do. By entering these rooms you can get caught in unwanted conversations or lectures and you can end up a lackey, getting drinks for someone because they saw you enter the kitchen, taking out the trash, etc.
Step 3: Don't enter or stay in any room where an argument is brewing. If you are already in a room when you sense an argument starting get out ASAP. You don't want to be stuck in a room with a fight in progress. Eventually someone will ask your opinion on something, thus dragging you in against your will. You can sense a fight brewing if voices start to get raised, they start clenching their fists, etc. The other part to this is to not enter a room where an argument is in progress. You can make an argument worse by entering at the wrong moment. In some cases you will get dragged in and there's a good chance you won't be coming out unscathed.
MAC (my dad's sister) has an uncanny ability to enter an argument at the worse possible moment. Instead of just leaving arguments alone or even trying to defuse them, she will step part way into the room make a passive aggressive comment that has very little to do with the argument and step out increasing the anger of the people fighting. THIS IS A BAD IDEA DON'T EVER DO IT!
WARNING: These techniques have only been proven to work on my family so use caution when attempting on yours.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Slang
Every culture has their own slang. Me and my friends are not exceptions to this rule. Just like anyone else, we use slang on an everyday basis.
ABS!!!: One of the many hallway games we play. If you get absed you have to run in the opposite direction of the person the who absed you until you hit a solid object.
The Crazies: My dad's side of the family. (see MAC and MAM)
Hedgedog: combination hedgehog and dog (what Spyke is known as)
Laptag: One of the most intense games we play. A cross between wrestling, running for your life and tag. Has the highest injury rate of all the games we play. Only one of our games not played in school.
The Letter Game: One letter is chosen and you are not allowed to use the letter in conversation. If you slip up and use this letter you will be slugged violently in the arm by each of the other participants.
MAC: Simply means Mad Aunt C- (I won't say her actual name, but feel free to fill in the blank with any C name of your choice.) My dad's oldest sister.
MAM: simply means Mad Aunt M- (I won't say her actual name, but feel free to fill in the blank with the M name of your choice) One of my dad's older sisters. There is no worse insult in my family than being compared to her.
Soccer Carton: A spin off of volley carton. Often played in the school hallway between the Drama workshop and the auditorium. Same rules apply as soccer. Except not even goalies use their hands. Usually played after lunch during passing period.
Tote Kinder: A sport created by Spyke, Watson, Veg and I. (those are my three closest guy friends and yes they are actual people not animals, toys or food). Created during CSAP week at school, it is one of the most intense passing period sports ever created. You attack each others feet trying to either knock them over or remove their shoe using only your feet.
Vamgo: A vampire gopher
Volley Carton: Our favorite lunch time game. Using someone's (usually mine) empty milk carton we will bop it around the air trying to keep it from hitting the ground.
ABS!!!: One of the many hallway games we play. If you get absed you have to run in the opposite direction of the person the who absed you until you hit a solid object.
The Crazies: My dad's side of the family. (see MAC and MAM)
Hedgedog: combination hedgehog and dog (what Spyke is known as)
Laptag: One of the most intense games we play. A cross between wrestling, running for your life and tag. Has the highest injury rate of all the games we play. Only one of our games not played in school.
The Letter Game: One letter is chosen and you are not allowed to use the letter in conversation. If you slip up and use this letter you will be slugged violently in the arm by each of the other participants.
MAC: Simply means Mad Aunt C- (I won't say her actual name, but feel free to fill in the blank with any C name of your choice.) My dad's oldest sister.
MAM: simply means Mad Aunt M- (I won't say her actual name, but feel free to fill in the blank with the M name of your choice) One of my dad's older sisters. There is no worse insult in my family than being compared to her.
Soccer Carton: A spin off of volley carton. Often played in the school hallway between the Drama workshop and the auditorium. Same rules apply as soccer. Except not even goalies use their hands. Usually played after lunch during passing period.
Tote Kinder: A sport created by Spyke, Watson, Veg and I. (those are my three closest guy friends and yes they are actual people not animals, toys or food). Created during CSAP week at school, it is one of the most intense passing period sports ever created. You attack each others feet trying to either knock them over or remove their shoe using only your feet.
Vamgo: A vampire gopher
Volley Carton: Our favorite lunch time game. Using someone's (usually mine) empty milk carton we will bop it around the air trying to keep it from hitting the ground.
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